INTERVIEW # 37

According to the Gospel of Matthew (27:62-66), Roman soldiers were placed at Jesus’ tomb to prevent the body from being stolen. After an angel appeared and the resurrection occurred, they were bribed by chief priests to lie and claim they fell asleep.

Well "who was telling the truth?" I ask.

According to the account in Matthew 28:11-15, the Roman guards were telling the truth about the miraculous events (an empty tomb and the presence of an angel) to the chief priests, who then bribed the guards to lie. The priests instructed them to claim the disciples stole the body while they slept.

The Guards' Story: Some of the guard reported "all the things that had happened" (likely the resurrection/empty tomb) to the chief priests.
The Priests' Story: The chief priests, fearing the implications of a resurrection, paid the soldiers a "large sum of money" to lie and say the disciples stole the body, promising to protect them if Pilate found out they failed in their duty.
The Truth: The Bible indicates the guards were compelled to lie by the priests, making the priests' story of theft an engineered conspiracy to hide the resurrection.
Historical Context: If they were Roman soldiers, admitting to falling asleep on duty (which the lie required) was punishable by death, suggesting that it they were coerced by the bribe and the priests' promise of protection it must have been a hell of a big bribe.

Some things don't add up in this.

Either there really was an angel and the chief priests knew this which beggars the question - "how come the priests didn't automatically take the side of Jesus, God and the angels given that such proof would have been so powerful or, if there was no angel then why would the soldiers have lied about that initially unless to get a bribe. Maybe Robert and his gang know but they don't seem to be telling us.

As we haven't had an interview for a while (and I know you readers like the interview series) I thought it opportune to bring in some of the actors who featured in this who have never been consulted before ... yes, the soldiers (or two of them anyway).

Let me introduce to you to Centurion Spurious Bogusmis and Optio Riccardo Agrippa (aka a gripper by his so-called friends) who were on guard duty that weekend accompanied by a host of other soldiers of various ranks who for some reason don't want to be identified. Well, bugger that we at The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ think so here are their ranks and names:

Praefectus Castrorum Festerus Scrotum
Tribune Angusticlavii Biggus Bummus
Primi Ordine Maxximum Gayuss
Pilus Prior Littlus Pricus

Fuck 'em we say.

The Curmudgeon: Welcome Centurion Spurious Bogusmis  and Optio Riccardo Agrippa to The Curmudgeon's Interview Series #37.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Ave and thanks The Curmudgeon

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Yer, ta The Curmudgeon

The Curmudgeon: No problems guys and bonum est tam bonos et probos viros hic habere, et, liceat mihi dicere, vos in illis uniformibus pulchre spectatis.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Er, thanks I think Curmudgeon but just to let you know we aren't gay - the little short skirts they make us wear and the sculpted vests aren't our choice they were designed by the head honcho Legatus Legionis Benedictus.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Yer, ta Curmudgeon.

The Curmudgeon: Ha ha - I see what you mean and once seen never forgotten - um, Centurion Spurious Bogusmis - would you mind not uncrossing your legs there ... that's better.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Can we call you 'TC' Curmudgeon?

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Yer, ta TC

The Curmudgeon: Sure, no problem. How about I call you guys 'Spurious' and  'Tugger'?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Fine by me TC but I think Agrippa would prefer his nickname 'Gripper' than 'Tugger'

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Yer, ta TC

The Curmudgeon: Ha ha - I see what you mean - Gripper it is then. Say Spurious, he doesn't say much does he.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: No, not really, he's only an optio and quite frankly never made it into the 'P' classes at school. That and the fact that  he had an accident once trying to play a double bass and a violin at the same time.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Yer, ta Spurious.

The Curmudgeon: Oh dear. A case of domesticus violinus was it?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: I was led to believe that you do good jokes TC ...

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Yer TC.

The Curmudgeon: ... um (embarassed) ... sorry about that - sorry Gripper. Moving on - being Easter Sunday I thought it might be a good idea to ask you what happened back then and how you were involved.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Gee thanks TC. You know, no-one has ever asked us for our side of things - they just assumed that we were venal and or stupid.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ...

The Curmudgeon: (looking sideways at Optio 'Gripper') Yeah, I wondered about that. Reading up on the events I note that the request for guards actually came from the Jewish chief priests, but was authorised by Pontius Pilate, who said, "You have a guard".

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: That's right. Those smarmy priests had a plan and even though they could have done the job themselves they seemed to want me and the boys there.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ... Yer and one of them put his hand up my pteruges. Bloody pedo.

The Curmudgeon: Mmm - there's still a lot of that about. Did you know that based on a 2022 report submitted to the Royal Commission on Abuse in Care, 14% of New Zealand Catholic diocesan clergy (182 out of 1,274) were accused of abusing children and adults between 1950 and 2022? These allegations involved various forms of misconduct, with almost half reported as involving sexual harm, often occurring in schools and institutions.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Bloody pedos.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ...

The Curmudgeon: I wondered about that request from the priests but don't quite get why Pontius approved it.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: It was the Seal TC.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ...

The Curmudgeon: The seal?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: No, the Seal.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ...

The Curmudgeon: Oh, I see - an official Seal.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: (Under his breath: It took you some time) The guards were tasked with protecting a Roman Seal placed over the tomb, which would have meant severe punishment (including death) for failure.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ... Where's the bog?

The Curmudgeon: Mmm? Oh, down the passage to your left.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: So we weren't going to bloody stuff up that duty I tell you.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ... Have you any coffee?

The Curmudgeon: (Jeez) Yes, help yourself in the kitchen. There's some extra strong stuff in the big jar.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Those smarmy priests though played a double bluff game. They spread the rumour based on some silly old religious nonsense that some angel came down from heaven and opened up the tomb to let Jesus out.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Good coffee TC. I need the bog again though.

The Curmudgeon: (Sheesh!) You know where it is it's ...

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Nah, that one's blocked now. Have you got another one?

The Curmudgeon: (Bloody hell!) Yes, downstairs off that small room to your right.

The Curmudgeon: I read in Matthew 28:4 reports that the guards were so afraid of the angel that they "shook and became like dead men".

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Yeah right. It's Roman soldiers you're talking about not bloody boy scouts or the Garden Road gang. There's no way some winged nonce in a nightie was going to scare us even if it did exist.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Yer right TC.

The Curmudgeon: But the priests didn't want anyone to know that an angel saved Jesus and let him out. What was that about?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: It was the double bluff TC. They made that silly story up and the other story saying that we fell asleep and didn't see Jesus's pals take his body away so when we woke up we made up the angel story.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ...

The Curmudgeon: Yes but ...

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: ... It really was a triple bluff TC. The priests then said that they bribed us to say that we fell asleep and didn't see an angel or the pals taking Jesus away. See?

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: ...

The Curmudgeon: No ...

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Well maybe a quadruple bluff then. Look TC. We were soldiers bound by Roman law. We had to protect the Seal no matter who or what was behind it. If we let someone in or out it was punishable by death. If we went to sleep it was punishable by death. If we took a bribe it was punishable by death. If we saw some non Roman god or angel and said so it was punishable by death. We couldn't win any which way. See?

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: I'm hungry.

The Curmudgeon: OK, so what happened next?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: They killed us.

The Curmudgeon: What! Who killed you?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Pontius Pilate on recommendation by the priests.

The Curmudgeon: How, what, why ...?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: They crucified us of course. No-one wanted the real truth to get out.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: zzzzzzzzzzz

The Curmudgeon: What! What real truth?

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Don't you read your own or The Religious Curmudgeon's blogs TC? Remember Interview #8? Look here's a link for you: INTERVIEW # 8

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: zzzzzzzzzzzz

The Curmudgeon: Oh, thats right. Jesus didn't die at all. It was all a cooked up plan.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: A cocked up plan if you ask me TC

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: zzzzzzzzzz

The Curmudgeon: Truth is stranger than fiction I guess.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: The truth is out there TC.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: zzzzzzzzzz

The Curmudgeon: I think I've heard that before.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Agent Fox Mulder from The X-Files. I gave him that line.

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: Where's the bog again?

The Curmudgeon: This is doing my head in but thanks for coming along Centurion Spurious Bogusmis but next time, leave Optio Riccardo Agrippa at home wherever that is.

Centurion Spurious Bogusmis: Thanks TC. It was good to have the opportunity to put our side of the story across. Ave!

Optio Riccardo Agrippa: zzzzzzzzzzzz

RICHARD WAS WRONG ...

 ... Well, there's nothing new there.

He's been banging on for ages about there being raccoons in Thorndon.

He's wrong.

Here's the proof:

Photo taken from front window.

They seem to be cats.

READING MATTERS

It's Easter weekend, an extended international public holiday event to celebrate the festival of Eastre, the Anglo-Saxon goddess who symbolises hare and egg. Eastre is often spelt Eostre, Oestre or Ostara. Ostara is also a northern European name for Astarte, which means “womb” and is another name for Venus, the goddess of love, passion, and creativity. The Christians of course stole this festival and attached their own gods to it. Nothing new there.

AI Overview on the internet says this:

Easter is officially about the resurrection of Jesus, but functionally, it’s a chaotic, sugary mashup of religious tradition and a fictional bunny delivering eggs. It’s a "movable feast" determined by the moon, making it a "spring fever" event involving chocolate, egg hunts, and peculiar traditions like Norwegian crime novels.

Richard is celebrating Oestre by fiddling with his big violin which I guess is shaped like a pregnant woman (the big violin not Richard) so that's in keeping with tradition.

Robert is missing and we may learn later that he was kidnapped by aliens or one of the gods he prays to. For his sake I hope it was his favourite, the Virgin Mary rather than something weird like the Holy Ghost.

As for me, we have guests staying so I'm under instruction to "stay close Matey and don't skive off. Also, don't make a mess".

I was going to skive off and write a nice long Easter-themed post for you but chickened out and found some previous Easter-themed posts I've written over the years. Here are links to some of them, by no means all, for your reading pleasure.

No need to thank me.

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

HERE

PLAYING (THE FOOL)

I had a busy day today: Out and about shopping because we have visitors here for the entire long weekend; going to SPARK to sort out my phone (getting the ring times extended from one and a bit to a maximum 5 rings before the damned thing cuts off and goes to voice mail); receiving the new clothes dryer and trying to work out how to register it, get installation instructions and set up its WiFi capability via a difficult App; and then doing housework - vacuuming and bathroom cleaning. Sheesh! I need a long holiday weekend to recover.

This afternoon though I did get away for a tennis lesson at the tennis club. When I returned I told The Old Girl that the instructor told me that I was a natural and should be on the circuit. "Yeah right" she said, "I think he said 'circus' not 'circuit'. Oh she of little faith. I did learn a few things though - basically that forever I've been holding my tennis racket with the wrong grip and standing wrong and leading off with the wrong foot and ... it'll be good to put what I've learned into practice next time I play.

"APRIL IS THE CRUELLEST MONTH" ...

... wrote T.S. Eliot in The Waste Land ... "breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain" but as I've posted on this before I'll save myself time by putting in this link to the post and you can still enjoy it. Enjoy: April is the cruellest month

April in the Northern hemisphere is associated with the season of Spring which is Autumn in our Southern hemisphere and Eliot's poetic device is to upend the seasons in his description but you will of course have noticed that.

Moving on - its a lovely day here in Thorndon but no doubt raining in the Hutt. 

I'd go for a long walk but have a sore foot for some reason. I'll trot along to the supermarket later which is a handy 5 minute walk away. This will have to make do for exercise unless I do some rowing, stepping and biking in the 'gym' this afternoon.

I did move the fridges, the wine racks and the bookshelf in the garage earlier to make room for the clothes dryer I bought yesterday (to be delivered tomorrow) so that was a bit of exercise (and no, I didn't hurt my foot doing this). This will make for a good post - with pictures - on Thursday afternoon for you.

"Man's Own country, studded with grim effigies marked Greed, Authority, Pride and Law – armour to be assumed for adult occasions. And humour: kindness: sacred and redeeming graces as I had seen them and loved them in the old policeman – how easily, how willingly extinguished! That night marked an end: the end of the golden weather".

          Bruce Mason 'The End of the Golden Weather' 

"SHELF AWARENESH" ...

... Sean Connery.

As promised here's the new post about the garage cupboards installation.

I know that you've been waiting patiently for this and Trent Horn apologises for the delay.

"Mea culpa"

First though - a recap, so here's a link to an earlier post on the subject: HERE

The installation guy came early this morning and has just left after putting in the bespoke cabinets.

Before:

After:

I told The Old Girl as she was leaving for work this morning that when she came home the cabinets would be installed and I'll have jammed all our stuff into them.

"Yeah right" she answered inferring that I won't get a say in what is going to go on the shelves.

Oh well, it'll make the garage/gym tidier.

 

NOW THERE'S A FUNNY THING ...

 I was sitting down and lifted my foot to look at the sock I was wearing:

I was intrigued by the logo at the top - a sort of regal 'R' which I thought strange because the brand of the socks is Swanndri.

When I put both feet together and looked at the socks the penny dropped:

The other sock has an 'L' at the top so this must designate 'left' and the other 'right'.

How clever this is but it obviously doesn't work as the 'R' was on my left foot and the 'L' was on my right foot. What's that about?

*******************************

Anyway, on another matter concerning footwear, at Christmas-time I purchased some sturdy walking shoes from Mountain Warehouse. These are strong and well made and cost over $200. I wore them once and walked a few kms around town but they hurt my feet. I put this down to the fact that I was recovering from a broken toe at the time.

The other day I wore them for the second time, again walking about town but ended up with sore toes.

Looking closely at them I realised that I hadn't bought 'wide-fitting' shoes like the Sketchers I buy and, while there is nothing wrong with the shoes they are not suited to my feet.

Unfortunately I don't have the receipt for these to return them for credit or exchange so plan to give them away to an Op Shop. Before I do this however ,I'd like to offer them to Richard or Robert if they want them provided that they can wear a standard or narrow (not wide-fitting) shoe. Either of you please let me know before I donate them to charity.

They are size 11 UK or 12 US and have only been worn twice.

GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS

 

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PORSCHE AND A PORCUPINE?

With the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

 We live in a reasonably nice area with schools and embassies in the street. I'm not aware of there being any gang headquarters (other than the US Embassy) or yahoos living in our and surrounding streets but there are some nuisance types - rich bastards.

There are, living in the street and nearby, several idiots who drive expensive fast cars who from time to time travel way too fast up our narrow street which, as said has two schools and children and elderly people (mainly me) who cross the road.

Two in particular are a dark blue Maserati and a light grey Porsche. I posted on Facebook's Thorndon community site a query and a complaint about the Porsche and someone else has complained about the Maserati.

Yesterday as I drove down Hobson Street I was behind the grey Porsche which, out of character, was cruising slowly. The driver was looking for a car park which normally are easy to find for residents who have preferential parking but, being around the time of school pick-ups, most parks were occupied - legally or otherwise. The car turned right into a side street where the US embassy is and I decided to follow it. The driver found a park and I drove past and turned around at the end of the short dead end street. I drove back to the parked Porsche and stopped. The driver, a woman (flash blonde tart in her 40s) got out and I confronted her. I asked her, politely, if she would take more care in driving and with her speed especially in Hobson street where there are two schools. She expressed surprise and asked when she had been speeding. I told her that it wasn't just now when she was looking for a park but many times over the last couple of months where she has driven at excessive speeds. She seemed non-plussed and was quiet but then said that she was sorry and will watch it in the future.

Now she will probably ignore this 'fatherly' advice and was thinking that I was an old busybody but I feel that sometimes you have to make the effort. I'd feel ashamed if I hadn't and a kid or an OAP get's killed trying to cross the road some time in the future.

I have her number plate details now so, if I see that car speeding again I will send the details to the police.

OK, here's another corny joke for you that almost fits this post:

Q: Why did the Porsche go to school? 

A: To accelerate its knowledge.

THE SEVENTH WAVE

 

The term "seventh wave" most commonly refers to a long-standing maritime legend that waves travel in sets, with the seventh wave being the largest and most powerful. 

1. Maritime Folklore & Science The Legend: Sailors and coastal communities (such as in the Aran Islands) have long believed that every seventh wave is the peak of a cycle, traveling further up the beach and carrying more momentum than those before it.
Scientific Basis: While it is a myth that it is always the seventh wave, oceanographers note that waves do travel in "sets" or "groups". Due to constructive interference, waves in the middle of a set tend to be larger. If a set contains roughly 14 waves, the seventh or eighth often naturally becomes the largest.
Safety: The "seventh wave" serves as a warning for shore-dwellers to remain vigilant, as a larger mid-set wave can easily knock someone off their feet.

OK, got that?

The Old Girl, who is a bit more observant than me commented that I always sneeze seven times in quick succession in the morning.

Now I do know that I sneeze for some reason (it's better than itching) I hadn't actually counted before but do now. By and large she's right - I do sneeze seven times. I'm not sure if the seventh one is the largest and most powerful and doubt that it could knock someone off their feet but it might be worth cultivating especially if some visitor is itching and scratching near me.