CATHOLICS LOOK AWAY NOW - From Uncylopedia

Dogma

This article contains unquestionable divine truths.

Dogma is one of the best kept secrets of the Catholic Church. In order to get to Catholic Heaven (which beats Hindu Heaven hands down, but loses by a smidgin' to Mormon Heaven, and according to The Simpson is way funnier, less judgmental, and more drunker than Protestant Heaven) you must believe in dogma.

Here, in a nutshell, is the essence of Catholic dogma:

1. You must worship the cross.
2. Sex is bad and should make you feel guilty. Except when it's with kids, of course.
3. Money is bad and should make you feel guilty.
4. Altar boys are bad even though they make you feel good.

These two dogmas are the entire essence of the Catholic Church's teachings, and explains their position on everything from sex (it costs money) and abortion (it's from sex), and why you should put money in those little baskets they throw at you during Mass.

From this dogma, the Catholic Church has the Catholic Catechism:

• Pleasure is bad and should make you feel guilty.
• Food is bad and should make you feel guilty.
• Being born is bad (called original sin) and should make you feel guilty.
• Eating meat on Friday is bad and should make you feel guilty.
• Sleeping in, especially on Sundays when you don't have to go to work, is very bad and should MUST make you feel guilty.
• The Catholic Church is good and should make you feel happy.
• The Pope is very good and should MUST make you feel happy.

Modern theologians are in full agreement that if St. Paul had gotten laid, even by that Mary Magdalene chick, the Church today would be very different. And a lot more fun.

Karma

Catholics don't believe in karma. They believe, instead, that someone is watching to see if they are good or bad, making a list, and checking it twice. O.K., call it "instant karma", instead. Every December.

Wilma

Catholics are afraid of Wilma Flintstone: To them she is the Red-headed Whorebeast of the Apocalypse who shall slay all those who don't partake of her chewable vitamins. Some of her symbols (weird hair, stupid consort, pearl necklace) can be traced to the modern-day wiccan, Marge Simpson.

Mortal sins

Catholics believe that if you die with a "mortal sin" on your soul, you go straight to Hell.

• Playing with your food
• Playing with your self
• Feeding yourself
• Playing with the person next to you
• Feeding the person next to yourself in a playful manner
• Just playing in general
• Not cleansing yourself after you do the "Bad Touch"
• Wearing a condom, especially in Africa
• Failure to donate your money to the church, you selfish asshole
• Making sex
• Making sex for money
• Kitten Huffing^{[citation needed]}
• Adoption
• Getting a divorce from your obese, violent, faithless, lazy waste of a spouse without a fucking permission slip signed by the Pope
• Getting a divorce with a permission slip signed by the Pope^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}
• Eating pizza and drinking milk at the same time
• Smoking weed on the Sabbath
• Not smoking weed on the Sabbath
• Listening to a woman in church
• Using your driver in the middle of the Fairway
• Using your wood in the middle of a whore
• Putting your elbows on the table
• Tossing the Holy Hand Grenade on a count other than three
• Reading this article
• Denying that any of these is a mortal sin

The Catholic Church's position on sex is very firm. To sum it up in a quick easy-to-remember sentence: you will get sent to Hell if you have oral sex, anal sex, penis sex, vagina sex, phallis sex, vageena sex, premarital sex, sex with the steps in front of an altar, gay sex, finger sex, underwater sex, upside down sex, loud sex, sex with the lights on, sex on a pool table, protected sex, unprotected sex, semi-protected sex, or (AND MOST UNFORGIVABLY!) NAKED SEX. It's quite obvious that God prefers us never to have sex with anyone. Obviously, if he wanted us to procreate, he would just slap up some mudpies and make himself some more humans. Or, if he REALLY wanted children to be born, he would impregnate all the women himself, and thus, by this concise logic, it should be apparent that NO ONE should have sex EVER. Don't even try it.

There is only one unforgivable sin that, when you die, will send you straight to Hell – being a dick on Uncyclopedia. Burn, baby, burn!

Fortunately, private investors such as eDulgences are interested enough in your sins to absolve them for you!

Finally, remember, too much Catholicism can make you go blind.

AN EXPLANATION

 The more observant reader will have noticed in the previous posts that I was grumpier than usual.

It's because I have a bloody sore foot.

Got That?

NO THANKS!

 As my foot was hurting after the visit to the blood lab I went down to Lambton Quay to take a bus home.

At the stop the bus I wanted to board stopped way short even as the driver had seen that I was hobbling.

At Thorndon Quay, after I ( and another person) pressed the button for my stop the driver ignored this and sailed past. I went to the front to ask him to stop and he just shrugged so I said "I can't bloody walk mate!"

He stopped the bus, not at a bus stop and I was able to get off and hobble a longer way to home.

No bloody "thank you driver" for him.

IDIOTS

Yes, there are a lot of those around but the ones I'm referring to here are the idiots who ride electric scooters on the road.

To be honest I get annoyed at them riding the damned things on the footpaths as well and would like to see them banned.

The idiots on the roads travel too fast for (their) safety and invariably don't wear safety helmets. What's wrong with them?

Today, while crossing, legally with the pedestrian lights on Bowen Street, a scooterist on the road ran through the red lights and nearly collected me and another pedestrian on the crossing.

Bastard! I hope he falls on his head sometime soon.

BUTTON PUSHERS

 

I walked, painfully to Awanui labs on The Terrace to provide a blood sample.

On my walk, in light traffic, I was annoyed by stupid pedestrians in front of me who pushed the 'cross' button at intersections and on pedestrian crossings and then, as there were no cars, crossed anyway so that the lights activated when the next poor bloody motorist came along and had to stop when there were no pedestrians crossing! 

Sheesh! They push my buttons.

I don't do this as I think like a motorist as well as a pedestrian so, if there's no traffiuc I cross without activating the button.

'ALLO 'ALLO

 I had a pleasant and helpful (I think) call from Richard today after I posted on my gout condition.

Doctor Richard prescribed Allopurinol to treat the condition as he said that he had good results from this after some kind of gout-type flare up a couple of years ago.

"I got big fat fingers" he said at which I was tempted to say "You'd have needed a bigger double bass" ...

... but I didn't. You know me - sensitive as anything.

Anyway, after the call I looked up Allopurinol on Google which told me that
Allopurinol is mainly used as a long-term daily treatment to prevent gout attacks or flares.

What are the side effects of taking allopurinol?

Allopurinol (commonly known by brand names like Zyloprim) can cause mild to severe adverse reactions. 
Common Side Effects
Gout flare-ups: Increased joint pain or swelling can happen during the first few months as the body adjusts and uric acid levels drop.
Stomach upset: Mild nausea, vomiting, indigestion, or diarrhea may occur, especially when first starting the medication.
Drowsiness: Some people feel sleepy, dizzy, or lightheaded.
Headache: Mild head pain can happen.
Skin irritation: Mild, itchy skin rashes can occasionally develop. 

Serious Side Effects
Stop taking allopurinol and contact a doctor or seek emergency care immediately if you notice these signs: 
Severe skin reactions: Any skin rash, hives, peeling, blistering, or mouth sores (which can signal life-threatening conditions like Stevens-Johnson syndrome).
Liver problems: Yellowing of the skin or eyes (jaundice), dark urine, upper right stomach pain, or extreme tiredness.
Kidney issues: Painful or bloody urination, or swelling in the feet and ankles.
Blood or infection signs: Unexplained bruising, bleeding gums, fever, sore throat, or swollen glands.
Allergic reactions: Sudden trouble breathing or swelling of the face, lips, or tongue. 

Ok, thanks for that.

Is this some kind of evil plan devised by Evil Doctor Richard to get everyone sharing his various conditions that he's told us of?

"Bwahahaha!"