BETTER CALL HUMBERT

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring .....

Humbert was worried. Very worried (again).
A good friend acquaintance some old guy he once met, Richard (of RBB) had called him in the middle of the night. The old guy still hadn't worked out the time differences between New Zealand and USA.

Humbert: Yeah?

Richard (of RBB): Humbert? Is that Humbert? Humbert who sorted out my wine problem that time? Humbert who....

Humbert: Yeah, yeah it's Humbert. Who the hell ....hey, is that the old schoolteacher guy from Nuova Lazio?

Richard (of RBB): Yes, yes, yes, it's me, Richard .....hee hee heee, yes Richard. Of RBB...


Humbert thought that he sounded strange but then remembered the guys liking of chardonnay, Cheap chardonnay. He remembered the crap that he had bottled up and sent to him a year or so ago but of course that'd be long gone.

Humbert: You OK old feller?

Richard (of RBB): Yes, yes, yes .... I mean no, no, no. I've had a bit of a bad time a septimana stercore

Humbert: You mean like a shit week?

Richard (of RBB): Yes, a shit week.

Humbert: Then why don't you just say that and not use that bloody archaic language. We Americans can't understand that crap normally. Lucky that I was an altar boy.

Richard (of RBB): Well, yes, I had to delete all of the posts from my blog. They .........

Humbert couldn't understand what Richard was saying as he was blubbering, wheezing and drifting in and out of comprehension. And farting.

Richard (of RBB): ....and they were my babies...

Humbert: OK, OK,  I get it (I think). Why did you do this?

Humbert was reminded of a story he had heard of elderly people when they reached a certain age or suffered from dementia destroying old photographs and memorabilia.

Richard (of RBB): She made me do it the bitch. She bloody well made me do it. It's not fair, not fair....

Humbert: Who? Who's 'she'?

Richard (of RBB): Some IT person who was snooping around. Why can't people leave people like me alone. Why do they have to interfere. The cows, the cows. Why do they pick on me. What have I done to upset them? I never ever picked up a cap out of a urinal and put it on my head, never. Never - I don't think. Look out! The cows!

Humbert: Whaaaaa?

Richard (of RBB): She caught me looking up the girls dresses. Under the stairs. She told me off. Called me a dirty little pervert. Hit me, that big girl did. And pulled my ears. Said mmmumblemumble ....

Humbert: Hold on Richard. I'd better get over there.

Humbert could see that he had better do this quickly. This was serious. Very serious. He'd had problems with IT types before and had to take action to sort things out. With extreme prejudice. He thought he'd better contact his old pals The Curmudgeon and The Wine Guy to keep an eye on things until he got there.

Richard (of RBB): Th th th th thanks Humbert.

Yes, this was bad all right. The old guy was slipping into one of his alter egos in mid conversation.
Time was going to be short.

Humbert: Lock your door, turn off your cell-phone and computer and for god's sake only drink a decent chardonnay. And what the hell was all that about cows?