NEW POST - THE FOOD CURMUDGEON

 

LESS IS MORE MATEY!

GUESS WHO?

... Yeah, that guy again.

A couple of posts ago I put in a picture of Burton Cummings from the band The Guess Who because I thought it looked a bit like Richard. 

Well, blow me down if I didn't find another one that reminded me of another pic of Richard.

Creepy eh?

INTERVIEW # 34

 Easter is next weekend and Robert's been writing about Palm Sunday which was celebrated yesterday.

Palm Sunday as most Christians know is kind of like a pointer towards the crucifiction and resurrection of Jesus Christ a week later.

Another celebrated earlier event, by about 6 days is the resurrection of Lazarus of Bethany.

Lazarus of Bethany

His 'resurrection' has been a subject of controversy for a couple of millennia with believers saying that Jesus brought him back to life four days after he died and was entombed. Skeptics suggest that he hadn't died and was just locked up in a cave until Jesus called him out. Conspiracy theorists believe that the whole thing was a jack-up organised between Jesus, Lazarus and his sisters as some way of giving Jesus credibility as the Messiah. Who knows - Jesus himself was done away with later and apparently Lazarus didn't go on a speaking tour to tell everyone what really happened.

It's time that we learnt some things from Lazarus himself so we asked him to come in and spill the beans.

THE CURMUDGEON: Hi Laz how are you going?

LAZARUS: Oh mustn't grumble TC although to be honest today always brings back bad memories for me.

THE CURMUDGEON: Really Laz? I thought that being brought back from the dead would have been a memorable day and one that you'd want to celebrate.

LAZARUS: Yeah, well, talking of celebration TC, have you looked closely at that pic of me?

THE CURMUDGEON: Now that you mention it Laz, you're looking a bit green about the gills if you don't mind me saying. Was that because you'd been dead for four days?

LAZARUS: Ha ha - no TC. I had the most powerful hangover like you wouldn't believe. That was on top of having been a bit crook for a week before that. Flu I think.

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, I read somewhere that you'd been sick. In the Gospels I think ...

LAZARUS: Not the Gospels plural TC - it was only John that covered the story and that came later.  Matthew, Mark and Luke, who were around at the time, never made a mention of it. No card. No flowers. Bloody nothing.

THE CURMUDGEON: Jesus wept!

LAZARUS: Yes, so John said and that's one of the few comments he made about it too. I tell you - I'm very disappointed. John 11:35.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK. Why'd you get so pissed then?

LAZARUS: Look, you know that Jesus and I were supposed to be mates right?

THE CURMUDGEON: Were you? I didn't know that.

LAZARUS: Yeah. Jesus was a bit of a pussy hound. You've heard about him and Mags right?

THE CURMUDGEON: Mags?

LAZARUS: Come on TC, don't be coy. I've read your interview with Jesus when he told you about knocking Mags up. Mags. Mary Magdalene. You know - Mags.

THE CURMUDGEON: Ha ha Laz, yeah, just fucking with you there. Yes in Interview #8 with Judas Iscariot and Interview #17 with James The Lesser we did talk about Jesus and The Magdalene ...

LAZARUS: "The Magdalene"? Whoeee! Get you. I just called her Mags.

THE CURMUDGEON: (blushing) Look. Mary (the) Magdalene was nice OK. I sort of you know, liked her when I was reading the bible back when I was a Catholic. I preferred her pictures to those of Jesus's mum who was always a bit stuck up ... look Laz, we're getting off topic here. You were saying that Jesus and you were mates.

LAZARUS: Oh yeah we were but I think that he was just hanging around because he fancied my sisters - you know, Mary and Martha.

THE CURMUDGEON: There were a lot of Marys around then, it must have been confusing Laz.

LAZARUS: And Marthas. You couldn't move for Arthurs and Marthas ha ha ...

THE CURMUDGEON: Arthurs?

LAZARUS: Um, it was a joke TC, an old one.

THE CURMUDGEON: Never mind. It'll soon be taken up by the Wainuiomartians. They like old jokes. Anyway, was Jesus there when you were getting pissed?

LAZARUS: No. He said he was coming but didn't turn up. Martha was livid. She'd sent him a message that I was ill but he delayed coming to my bedside. I think he was hoping that I'd die so that he could pull a stupendous stunt to boost his own reputation and get people to believe! John mentions this in his bloody skinny report in verses 14-15: “Then Jesus told them plainly, ‘Lazarus is dead. For your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.’” WTF?

THE CURMUDGEON: Well, I'm confused. Did you die or didn't you?

LAZARUS: I didn't die TC. It was some sort of scam dreamed up between Jesus and Martha and probably Mary as well. They cooked up an idea that I'd be 'at death's door' and he'd turn up, lay his hands on me - (not like that TC - that's the Marist Brothers you're thinking of, Jesus was straight regardless of those gay images that Robert puts on his blog) - and cure me like he did with those lepers. Somewhere along the way one of them thought that upping the game was in order so decided it'd be better that I 'die' and Jesus could come along later and 'resurrect' me.

THE CURMUDGEON: Ha - the power of marketing eh. It's like a ratchet where ...

LAZARUS: ... rat shit is right TC. I tell you. I felt like I'd been given rat poison when I woke up.

THE CURMUDGEON: Now let me get this right. Bear with me Laz.  You were sick but not dying - a bit of the old 'man flu'. Jesus didn't turn up as you expected for the 'laying on of the hands'?

LAZARUS: That's right and yes, I was involved in that bit. Jesus said that he'd 'see me right' once he was crowned and all that.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK, but, unknown to you Jesus, Martha and maybe Mary - your sisters- had cooked up a plan for you to 'die'. How did they do that?

LAZARUS: The sisters and I were party animals TC. We liked a bevvy or three so, when I was feeling a bit better from my cold ... sorry, my flu, we had a bit of a knees up. A bender really. Those cleanskin amphoras are dangerous TC. You just don't know how strong the wine is. I suspect however that Martha put something else in my drink - you know, a Mickey or something.

THE CURMUDGEON: A micky?

LAZARUS: No, a Mickey - you know a ' Mickey Finn'. Rohypnol. Ketamine, MDA. Date rape drug - something that knocked me out sort of like putting me in a coma.

THE CURMUDGEON: Oooo ... I'm beginning to see Laz.

LAZARUS: Jesus! Sorry, Jeez! Sorry, Sheesh! It took you long enough TC. How were you brought up? Cloistered in Catholic schools ... oh yeah .. carry on.

THE CURMUDGEON: So your sisters, in collusion with Jesus, put you in some sort of comatose state,  declared you to be dead and interred you in a cave with a rock covering the door ..."

LAZARUS: That's right.

THE CURMUDGEON: I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging here ...

LAZARUS: ... Sheesh! That's right. They drugged me, interred me and, when Jesus arrived they told him I was dead and buried giving him the chance to say ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... Not before Martha said to Jesus: " I believe you’re “the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world” (JOHN:11:20-27).

LAZARUS: That's right and Jesus said ‘Where have ye laid him?’ They said unto him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus wept” (11:33-35).

THE CURMUDGEON: 'Jesus wept'! is right.

LAZARUS: Yeah and Jesus “cried with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”. Woken at last and with a pounding headache I came out finding mys hands and feet bound with strips of cloth, and my face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to the (carefully staged) crowd, "Unbind him, and let him go.’”  And there you have it.

THE CURMUDGEON: Bloody Hell!

LAZARUS: Yeah. I guess I'll see you there TC when I've finished with my wandering.

THE CURMUDGEON: Will Richard be there?

LAZARUS: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  ....

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  ha 

LAZARUS: And Mr Linford ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... You're a hoot Laz. Look if you give up wandering and don't fancy going to Hell why don't I join you in Wainuiomata with Richard or, the 'Nui' as he calls it. It couldn't be worse.

LAZARUS: That sounds like a plan. See you there.

That wraps it up folks. I've had my two glasses of wine and now am about to cook my dinner - shrimp stir fry with noodles - Singaporean style. Selamat jalan!

THE CASE OF THE VANISHING WINDMILL

 

Robert was worried.

The garden windmill he'd bought and installed was missing.

Once looking like this

Now looking like this

"That's strange" he thought out loud.

"What is?" came a voice from the Kowhai tree above him.

Robert looked up and could just discern a bird - a dove maybe - it was hard to see clearly because the sun was behind the  tree and made it appear that the bird was glowing.

"Are you talking to me?" asked Robert, feeling a little foolish talking to a strange bird. He was out of practice talking to birds, particularly strange ones.

"Of course I'm talking to you Robert, there's no-one else here" said the bird.

Robert fell to his knees, clasped his hands together and, in a beseeching voice called out to the bird who he assumed was The Holy Ghost - the third 'person' in The Holy Trinity which defines one God existing in three, coeternal, consubstantial divine persons.

 "Um, er ... go ... Chri ... Je ..." Robert stammered. He knew from his Catechism that The Holy Trinity was God existing in three, coeternal, consubstantial divine persons. There was no argument in his mind about that. The only problem was that while he prayed to the Virgin Mary and addressed Jesus when he was in the tabernacle at his Catholic church, he'd never addressed The Holy Ghost before and didn't quite know what the correct form of address should be. 'Mary' was easy - well, not 'easy' as she was and is a virgin after all. 'God' was god - that wasn't a problem. 'Jesus' was easy to remember and say even with his full title of Jesus Christ. The Holy Ghost though is a bird. You can describe The Holy Ghost as a bird or more specifically a dove but when addressing it what term do you use? Hello Bird sounds a bit disrespectful and Hello The Holy Ghost is cumbersome and doesn't easily roll off the tongue.

The Holy Ghost being part of that holy triumvirate and sharing in the all-knowingness stuff discerned what was bothering Robert. It said "No worries Rob. You can just call me Bruce if you like. The others do. As I look after all of the administrative functions of the Trinity they often just introduce me as Bruce from the office or Bruce from IT or most often Bruce from accounts. It doesn't bother me".

"Dear Bruce, thank you from me a poor sinner who ...". Stammered Robert. 

"Hey! Fair suck of the sav Rob - you can cut all that out and tell me what you thought was strange earlier."

"Oh, my windmill has gone. Someone's nicked it" sobbed Robert "It's not fair."

"Nothing ever is Rob" said Bruce "remember when you were six years old at Garden Road and your cap gun went missing?"

"Um, yes, vaguely " bubbled Rob "I was crying for ages and then saw Richard playing with it. He wouldn't give it back. He ..."

"There you go" said Bruce and flew off but not before depositing a big white and black crap on the top of Robert's head.

GRAMMAR BOY

Guess who?

Regular and even irregular readers of this blog will have noticed that an old ex-schoolteacher, Richard of RBB is a contributor. He writes posts of his own on his blog - the name of which eludes me - and bangs on about double bass, violin and sometimes trumpet and guitar playing. He gets a bit technical so it's a bit of relief when he alternates with posts about his lawn growing or the paint on his house drying.

He is a bit of a grammar Nazi and most of his comments on my and others' blogs are concerned with drawing attention to spelling mistakes or other minor grammatical transgressions. I thought that the following should be dedicated to him.

Grammar boy
Get your marker pen out
You got 'em writing lines waiting for you
Grammar boy
You got 'em scribbling out the posts
So don't bang on too much arcanely
For $25,000 you can look like a woman tonight
But $25,000 I don't think is enough

I think you can strike out, uh-huh
I think you can strike out
Oh, you really know how to deride it
I think you can strike out

Grammar boy
You've been grandpops for a while
With a crocodile smile
Grammar boy
You're a raving loon
And you're yesterday's news but,
For $37,000 you can look like your sister tonight
For $37,000 I think you'll look quite a sight

I think you can strike out, uh-huh
I think you can strike out
Oh, you really know how to deride it
I think you can strike out

So purge with your marker, now, and
criticise as you send them low
Squeal from your blisters
You get from crossing out lots of anomalies
And be aware
That there's not many there
Who want to take time to proofread for so few readers no more
Come on, who wants to take time to proofread for so few readers no more?
Would you want to take time to proofread for so few readers, maybe four?

Ladies and gentlemen, a warm and wet welcome with your willies for  the most pedantic group of the century, Ricky and the Hemocytozoons

Grammar boy
You have acted like a pill
And no doubt still will
Grammar boy
You've got old jokes to tell
When you see your old friends
For $49,000 you can look like a woman tonight
For $49,000 you might be less of a fright

I think you can strike out, uh-huh
I think you can strike out
Oh, you really know how to deride it
I think you can strike out

So purge with your marker, now, and
criticise as you send them low
Squeal from your blisters
You get from crossing out lots of anomalies
And be aware
That there's not many there
Who want to take time to proofread for so few readers no more
Come on, who wants to take time to proofread for so few readers no more?
Would you want to take time to proofread for so few readers, maybe four?

You can't fool 'em

Who wants to take time to proofread for so few readers no more

Don't you wanna try and take time to proofread for so few readers no more?

        Lyrics copied and buggered up from The Guess Who

NEW POST - THE WINE GUY

 

GOING DOWN

AN OLDIE BUT NOT NECESSARILY A GOODIE

 

Robert said this on his latest post:

"Catholic commentators Richard and Peter have probably forgotten what today is. Though both are baptized Catholics their minds are slowly going the way of old folk's."

It reminded me of one of Richard's feeble jokes suggesting that I should be a stand-up comedian ... or not:

I found this today - maybe these jokes will work in the 'Nui'.

 

A SENSE OF PROPRIETY

 

You just can't please some people.

Richard of RBB wanted to see proper posts so I wrote a post about 'proper' and said that more will follow. This didn't stop him complaining further though, writing a comment alongside a couple more from his illiterate alter egos:

The Old Girl has left on an airplane (not a jet plane) but I know when she'll be back again. This means that I've temporarily reclaimed the study.

As I'll still keep my laptop set up in the lounge for convenience of posting while watching television I thought that, to prevent any confusion, I'd alert the readers to posts that are written on the desktop Mac in the study. The more observant of you will have noticed an image in the top right corner - 'post + proper'. This will be shown for posts written in the study that are deemed to be proper. Got that? Good, let's proceed.

******************

Now, what to write?

I'll ignore any grammatical definitions of proper like proper nouns and such and leave that to the old pedantic ex-school teacher to concern himself with. He needs something to do now that he's semi-retired.

A 'semi'

I'll talk about propriety which as you should know, refers to the quality of being socially or morally acceptable. It encompasses proper behavior, etiquette, and adherence to social norms. Examples include behaving with modesty and decency, observing rules of polite social interaction, and ensuring actions are morally correct (from AI Overview on the web).

Social Acceptability:
Propriety often involves understanding and following unwritten social rules and expectations in a given situation. For instance, using appropriate language, dressing modestly, and refraining from disruptive behavior at a formal event are all examples of observing social propriety.

Moral Correctness:
Propriety also extends to ethical considerations and doing what is right and fair. This might involve avoiding actions that could be considered unethical, such as conflict of interest or exploiting others.

Sense of Propriety:
Some individuals are described as having a strong sense of propriety, meaning they are keenly aware of what is socially and morally appropriate and tend to adhere to it.

Examples in Sentences:
"She conducted herself with propriety at the wedding reception."

"The company questioned the propriety of the CEO's personal expenses."

"When visiting a friend's house, it's important to observe the proprieties of a home visit."

That's pretty nice really and it makes me think that Robert and the Christians ...

Robert and the Christians

... (not those guys), would be better off just practising propriety and leave out all that confusing and arcane nonsense about god, the Trinity etc. It would save them a lot of time and trouble and they'd have greater success in recruiting people to their cause without appearing to be naive and/or deranged. 

 

A PROPER POST

 

Looking at those meanings of the word 'proper' I think that 1. BRITISH ̇ INFORMAL is the most appropriate for a 'proper' post written by me.

"Used as an intensifier, especially in derogatory contexts"

Already anticipation is building See this from our biggest contributor*

Well, that's it for now. I have to help The Old Girl get sorted for her trip. This involves climbing up into the attic or emptying out the shed to find boxes and bags containing "stuff that we'll not need for quite a while Matey" that she packed and asked me to store away only a couple of months ago.

* Although he did say, in a recent post that he has lost weight.

WHO KNOWS ...

... you might want to know what's been happening on the blogs today.

You do? OK, I'm surprised but - here goes.

Of course you would have read my blog posts so know that I'm employing an ancient pagan superstition of crossing my fingers hoping that our house-selling plans won't scuttle my holiday plan to the South Island.

Over at Robert's blog he seems to have invented some new spelling e.g. "We all have our own ajenders." and wrote a bizarre piece about his god being a wrestler like those on the WWF circuit. It figures really. What's of particular interest is that his god now, instead of just being some old geezer, appears as a seriously crazy person:

Not to be outdone or maybe, like a Republican politician kissing Trump's arse, Robert is looking to ingratiate himself with his god by appearing as a seriously crazy person himself:

It's all happening over there if you want to take your mind off of the scary political and economic world news that's making headlines.

"What's going on with Richard?" I hear you saying in my head. Well, in his words: "I've had worse." he said. We'll take his word for that and wish him the best. You might have noticed that he's created a new alter ego a half Italian plumber named Rick Tim Bagno who I hope for his sake has a plumbing business name with a little more pizazz or, at least, a Yellow Pages and website name like AAA Plumbers or something, otherwise no one in their right mind would contact him (other than the Green Party Bussy Boys I guess).

That's Friday nearly over folks. Good news though - The Old Girl is off down south for a couple of months so I get her office (my study) back so can write proper posts on 'the big computer'.

Stay tuned.

FINGERS CROSSED

 The Old Girl's off to Wellington tomorrow and from there to Christchurch until the end of June.

Who'll cook my tea?  MYSTERY

I've booked flights to go to Christchurch in late May. We plan to go to Aoraki Mount Cook but I haven't made the hotel accommodation bookings yet. I'm concerned that 'Murphy's Law' will intervene and, after I've made non-cancellation bookings that something will arise on the house selling front (we're selling the back of the house as well) meaning I won't be able to go.

We visited Aoraki a few times when we lived in Christchurch but haven't been there since 2000. I'm hoping that we will get there  and have decided to go walking several times a week to regain some fitness and stamina for some alpine walks (weather permitting). It's a stunning part of the country even without help from falling rocks (we witnessed avalanches on previous visits). The stars in the night sky are much more visible than any other part of the country I've been in.

We had a 'private viewing' of the house a few days ago. The visitors, looking for an old character house in the area, found ours to be too large. Hopefully, after some thought they might consider that sectioning off part of the house for Air B&B is practical and profitable. Fingers crossed.

DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING

 

There has never been a world leader before, of a theoretically responsible and democratic country, who made any statements (publicly) like Donald Trump did in that video above.

The man is disgusting and the sooner that he gets booted out the better. Very few countries would put up with it unlike than the stupid Americans with their ridiculous political system where gutless senators and Congress members cow-tow to their leader.

During a fundraising gala for House Republicans Trump mocked world leaders by saying “These countries are calling us up, kissing my ass.” He lied that many countries are lining up to make a deal. “Please, please, sir, make a deal. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything, sir,” he said mockingly.

Arsehole - and reportedly he has a dirty one as well, known to regularly shit his pants. I can't see anyone wanting to kiss that.

THE UNHOLY TRINITY

 There's been discussion on the blogs recently about Robert's Holy Trinity - the wholly made up nonsense about the nature of god which defines one god existing in three, coeternal, consubstantial divine persons God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.

God the Father, God the Son (Jesus Christ) and God the Holy Spirit, three distinct persons (hypostases) sharing one essence/substance/nature (homoousion).[4]The Trinity (Latin: Trinitas, lit. 'triad', from trinus 'threefold')[1] is the Christian doctrine concerning the nature of God,

- Wikipedia

The Fourth Lateran Council in 1215 codified this craziness and used those new and big words to bamboozle the masses at Mass who were also their sponsors, giving up a lot of their hard earned money to keep the old guys in frocks going in a manner that they liked to be kept in. The councillors decreed that it is the Father who begets, the Son who is begotten and the Holy Spirit who proceeds. Good luck in knowing what that means.

This doctrine is called Trinitarianism, and its adherents are called Trinitarians.

Funny enough, this doctrine of the Trinity is not clearly explained in the books of the New Testament other than a few odd mentions of a triadic understanding of God and they were probably inserted hundreds of years later and falsely attributed to the Gospellers. These casual mentions were picked up by early Christians in the second and third centuries who thought it was a good idea to add a bit of mystery to their religion particularly when they were trying to get potential followers to buy into a virgin birth, resurrection, ascension into heaven when converting prior traditions and scriptural documents.

There was no mention of it in the writings of the Old Testament. I doubt if the bullying, psychopathic maniac who was the old and original Bible god would have tolerated being split into three.

No doubt discussion on this will be on-going and will keep Robert in the blog fraternity for a while yet. Robert has a new supporter for ridiculous Catholic beliefs in Richard's new pal Rick Tim Bagno.

**************************

Now, what do Rick Tim Bagno, John Barron and Ron Vara   have in common? These three - The Unholy Trinity - are all made up entities.

Rick Tim Bagno was made up by Richard of Richard's Bass Bag to further his latent Catholic beliefs, inquisitiveness and yearnings.

Belief in the Holy Trinity.

One person (a god) is actually three entities. Father, son and holy spirit. That's a tough one to work out. Why can't there just be three gods? I asked a priest this question and he just said that some things are beyond the comprehension of us humans. Also, if the three entities have always been around, how come one of them is the son of another one? Maybe it's just a translation mistake, or something. Maybe it would be better if they were just called One, Two and Three. though I guess that suggests a hierarchy of 'command'.

          - Rick Tim Bagno 

John Barron was made up by Donald Trump who pretended to be him when calling major newspapers and magazines giving them an inside view of how wonderful Donald Trump is.

Trump used the pseudonym "John Barron" (sometimes "John Baron") throughout the 1980s, with its earliest known usage in 1980 and its last acknowledgment in 1990. According to The Washington Post, the name was a "go-to alias when Trump was under scrutiny, in need of a tough front man or otherwise wanting to convey a message without attaching his own name to it". Barron would be introduced as a spokesperson for Trump.

The pseudonym first appeared in a May 7, 1980, article where "John Barron, vice president of Trump Organization" spawned rumors of a $1 billion deal to buy the World Trade Centre: "I don't know if it's going to happen or not, but it is a possibility." In a June 6, 1980, New York Times article, "Barron" defended Trump's controversial destruction of sculptures on the Bonwit Teller flagship store (now the site of Trump Tower) that he had promised to the  Metropolitan Museum of Art. The pseudonymous vice president acted as Trump's spokesperson for three days in that case. Trump continued to pose as "Barron" on occasion for the rest of the decade. 

In May 1984, "Barron" lied to then-Forbes reporter Jonathan Greenberg about Trump's wealth and assets to get Trump on the Forbes 400 list. "Barron" stated to Greenberg that "most of the assets [of Donald's father Fred Trump] have been consolidated to Mr. [Donald] Trump." In April 2018, Greenberg retrieved and made public the original audio recordings of his exchange with "Barron", and stated that "Trump, through this sockpuppet, was telling me he owned 'in excess of 90 percent'" of Fred Trump's assets. Ultimately, Greenberg included Trump at the end of the Forbes 400 list at $100 million, one fifth of the $500 million which "Barron" was claiming as Donald Trump's net worth. According to Greenberg, Donald Trump was only ever worth just under $5 million, which was 5% of the net worth which was attributed to him by Forbes at the time and only 1% of what "Barron" was claiming. Greenberg has corrected the record by stating that, as revealed in court documents in proceedings years later, Donald Trump never owned any of Fred Trump's assets until 1999 after Fred's death, and even then, inheriting only his share of Fred's deceased estate, with Donald Trump's three siblings and some grandchildren beneficiaries inheriting their corresponding shares.
Some New York editors recalled that "calls from Barron were at points so common that they became a recurring joke on the city desk".

                    - Wikipedia

 

Ron Vara was made up by Peter Navarro and used as a 'famous economist' via comments, emails and other support statements to endorse his crazy economic beliefs in his body books.

Convicted criminal and White House advisor Peter Navarro may have won the House Cup by citing a book written by an expert who didn’t exist. (And no, it wasn’t noted econometrician Dr. Otto Yerass.) Rachael Maddow busted him on TV last Friday.

In his books, Maddow continued, Navarro often cited the work of a so-called economics expert named Ron Vara. “V-A-R-A, Ron Vara,” Maddow said. “Vara” shared a memo in Washington D.C. circles after Trump won the presidency. “At one point, Ron Vara wrote in the memo that Trump could, quote, ‘Ride the tariffs to victory,’ ” Maddow said. “The problem is, Ron Vara doesn’t exist. He never has. The economics expert that Peter Navarro has long cited to explain why he’s so gung-ho on tariffs, this person, Ron Vara, is a made-up person.”

“He is a fictional person. Peter Navarro invented Ron Vara as his expert source, so he could quote this expert source over and over and over again in his crackpot books,” she continued. “Who is Ron Vara? Ron Vara is an anagram of Navarro, which is his last name. I mean, my name anagrams to Macho Wattler, but I don’t see myself trying to talk you into doing what Macho Wattler wants, right?” Maddow said.

          - Esquire

 We live in funny times alright. Like those first three - the Holy Trinity, the second three - the Unholy Trinity will continue to make-up, embellish and bamboozle unwary readers. It's much safer to stick with the good old, reliable and mainstream communication sites like - THE CURMUDGEONS INC.ⓒ which is here to serve you or, as our new motto says:

IT SERVES YOU RIGHT.

HE IS

 Richard astutely asked Robert why Robert's god is always depicted as an old man even though he/she/it is supposed to be everlasting.

Yes, I know it's nonsense but try telling a confirmed Christian that or, if you have plenty of breath to waste - a Catholic. The Catch 22 logic is nuts. The Catholic god consists of 3 entities - Father, Son and Holy Ghost - that are all the same person but none will confess to who came first, The Father, I guess because of the name adopts the look of an old guy and the Son, who supposedly is still the Father had to get born again later but still goes about looking like a 33 year old man. The Holy Ghost for some never explained reason goes about looking like a dove. A dove! You'd think with all the powers in his/her/its arsenal an eagle or a pterodactyl might be a bit more becoming - kind of like Gwaihir in The Lord of the Rings.

Ridley Scott at least had a go at depicting God as a boy:

I think I'll stick to The Lord of the Rings and TinTin books.

INTERVIEW #33

 It's time for a new interview and by chance we have a new kid on the block who's been clamouring for attention, or at least his creator has on his behalf.

I'm talking about a new Richard of Richard's Bass Bag creation named Rick Tim Bagno. This of course is another Wainuiomata type 'pun' that's about as punny as a prescriptivist owl and is a follow on from another rudely and crudely named character of his - Phillip E. Ness. All he needs now is a Vera Anne Gina and he'll have a matched set.

Anyway, I digress and so will invite Mr Bagno in for a chat.

The Curmudgeon: Welcome Rick Tim Bagno to The Curmudgeon's Interview series.

Rick Tim Bagno: Thank you The Curmudgeon. I've been following your blog closely and I must say that I'm most impressed.

The Curmudgeon: Must you?

Rick Tim Bagno: Huh ... oh, nice one, I like your jokes.

The Curmudgeon: Okey dokey - look, can I just call you Rick Tim or something? I have trouble with your surname and for some reason type 'Bango' or 'Bingo' or even 'Bongo'. If you knew me you'd know that I don't want to be disrespectful ...

Rick Tim Bagno: ... That's OK but I'm afraid that Richard wasn't properly paying attention when he named me. If he had he'd have noticed that saying my Christian names fast sounds like ... well, a certain part of one's anatomy that's best kept hidden. Can you call me Rick and can I call you TC?

TC: Ha ha Rick, sure, call me TC. You know that Richard was having what he considers fun though?

Rick: Fun?

TC: Oh, that's right you were conceived and born in the 'Nui'. You probably don't know what proper humour is.

Rick: Like a virgin. birth TC?

TC: Well, a bit late for that with your creator Rick. Now, if you'd been created by him back when he was in his late twenties ...

Rick: Huh? Oh, nice one TC.

TC: Yes but let's move on. I'm intrigued as to why Richard created you. He has you having a Kiwi mother and an Italian father doesn't he?

Rick: Yes, I don't know why. I think he has some kind of Italian fixation

TC: Like a Hyundai mechanic named Luigi?

Rick: Huh?

TC: Never mind Rick, never mind, It was a Northland joke. Richard is some sort of Italianphile but like you I don't know why.

Rick: And he wanted me to be a plumber. I'd have rather been a politician and have been following the USA politics closely.

TC: There are similarities Rick. Both plumbers and politicians are often up to their armpits in ... but, never mind. I can tell you though that in addition to his Italian fixation he is always banging on about bathrooms and toilets. Maybe that's why he named you Bagno.

Rick: Makes sense I guess but why relocate me to Auckland?

TC: Mmm ... the smell maybe?

Rick: HeyTC! Not fair. I follow my name and keep clean. I wash religiously and ...

TC: ... which brings me to another question Rick. What's with all this Catholic Church nonsense. Is it because you're half Italian - I assume the bottom half?

Rick: Ha ha - the oldies are the goodies that's for sure. No, I just like the words that the Catholic Church uses. Things like: transubstantiation; annunciation; catechumen; catechism; discernment; magisterium; resurrection; perpetual succour; revelation; veneration; take your trousers down -  words like that. With practice they can roll right off your tongue.

TC: Mmm - there's definitely a joke in there but ... as you get to know me you'll become aware that I'm not one to mock other people's beliefs. Carry on with that nonsense if you wish Rick

Rick: Er ... thanks TC. Look - I'm in a hurry to catch up with you other guys - that's why I've been asking Robert for advice on the religious nons ... stuff. Can you give me some clues on puns and humour to make my blog posts more interesting?

TC: I'll seric what I can do - did you see what I did there?

Rick: Um, yes I ...

TC: ... is that cleric? It's good that we metric. That's fabric. Do you need to go to the barbaric? It's nice atmospheric ...

Rick: ... I think that's enough of puns TC have you got something that'll get me in favour in the 'Nui'?

TC: Well, funny that you asked (see what ... never mind), there' s a new thing in the 'Nui'. It's known as a 'NOT' joke. It goes like this....

• 
  

..THE FAT OF THE LAND

 

Beaudy!

I picked some vegetables this evening in preparation for the beef stir-fry I'm going to cook for dinner. That capsicum and the tomato look good. 

To be honest I haven't had a lot of success with my vegetable garden this season and, in the interests of full disclosure should show you a pic of the pick to scale:

Bummer!

To be really honest I haven't had much success in any of the seasons over the last 15 years except for growing a gazillion chilli peppers - red ones, green ones, Scotch bonnets etc. Now these are beaudy.

The above are from 2 seasons ago and are just a small sample of what I have in the freezer. They freeze well and last for ages. I'm using a couple of red ones in the stir-fry tonight.

As we (hopefully) might be moving soon I'd better get cracking and convert them into chilli jam. I've successfully made this before, see: CHILLI and GIVE IT AWAY

WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE PRATS?

This hasn't happened for a while as we very rarely go out to restaurants or to dinner parties nowadays but this video reminded me of how some people are prats:

 After I retired from full-time work and we still did go out to restaurants and to dinner parties (mainly before we lived permanently up north) I used to get annoyed at the inevitable question from people that I'd just met:

"And what do you do for a living."

Telling them that I was semi-retired never went over well with the prats who have to measure people by status, earnings or occupation. They have no reference points to categorise you with.

Eventually I'd settle for just saying that I was a kept man with The Old Girl keeping me in a manner that I like to be kept in. This usually brought a kind of confused half laugh before the interrogator moved on to someone worthwhile - and safer.

I wished that I'd made some shit up though like:

"I'm making my career in housebreaking and I'm getting really good at it. Where do you live may I ask? "

"I found that my drug habit was using up our savings too fast so I decided to sell the stuff instead. We're amassing a fortune now." 

"The SIS recruited me before I gave up full-time work and now I'm extremely busy but I can't talk about it. You shouldn't ask. Really, you shouldn't have asked." 

 

AUTOGRAPH

 

When we were young most of us had autograph books that were given to us as Christmas or birthday gifts. Some of us used them extensively but most kids, after getting their parents, old uncles and friends and siblings to write something funny or rude in them, lost the books or relegated them to the bottom of the cardboard box under the bed. 

I'd hazard a guess that nine times out of ten the kids' dad had written on the back page:

"By hook or by crook I'll be the last in this book."

I had a book that had that and some other nonsense in it. I also had some 'cool' signatures to go alongside the family ones. People like:

• Louis Armstrong
• The French Rugby League captain on the 1960 tour
• Colin O'Neill - NZ 'Kiwis' captain 1960s (and my rugby league coach)

I don't know where that autograph book is now. My brother pinched it sometime in the 60s and probably destroyed it because he was jealous.

Autographs then were kind of special and, like diary notes were a way to mark an event or a meeting. Nowadays the whole thing has been monetised to a ridiculous degree and the 'fun' has been taken out of it. Celebrities, in addition to being hounded by the paparazzi, are accosted by autograph and souvenir hunters.

I've been watching the  cricket T20 and ODI games and it annoys me to see kids, older kids and adults hassling players at the edge of the field to autograph their bats, balls, shirts etc. It's disruptive and often rude. I don't believe that all or most of it is for fun and a memory - it's monetising gone mad.

So there!

DOING IT WRONG

 The Old Girl and I have been together for 37 years and I thought we were going strong but Robert in his latest post says that we've been doing it wrong.

You know the sort of nonsense he writes, as fed to him by the local indoctrinator at his church. To save you reading that latest post here are some outtakes:

• Many Catholics seem to think adultery is alright. They are all the more guilty if they entice others into this sin too. 
• Actually many people have an abysmal understanding of Church teachings on marriage. Some think that the Church recognizes civil divorce even.
• I wonder how culpable these people are. Priests don't seem to cover it in sermons. More than likely half the parishioners are in such relationships. We have to be careful and not take this as him approving adultery.  
• As a rule of thumb, if you are Catholic you have to marry a Catholic in the Catholic church.
• Romantic love though is a fickle beast. Most of us don't live up to the ideal. We get it wrong then spend years trying to patch it up.

I'd better go and give The Old Girl the bad news.

STAR(t) WARS*

* We hope not.

The Prowse Brothers are doing a gig or a practice today or something. I hope that they don't fight again.

"Hey bro! I thought there were supposed to be 5 of us"

 Tiddlywinks, Chanook, Rowboat, Nanna and Darnit will hopefully get together again for the long awaited return. It's been a while - nearly as long as Rowboat's ... sorry, Robert's pal Jesus who promised to return for another performance.

I'm hoping to see the group perform if and when I get to Wellington. No doubt they will all have new and original material to play (not that there was anything wrong with the old tunes).

Stay posted!

WHAT'S IN A NAME?*

(It's) over at Richard's Bass Bag the latest news is that he's created a new character to help spread the Bass Bag Consortium's information. I would have thought one of these would have done the job:

The new guy in town is Richard Banjo Bingo Bongo Bango Bagno and he signs his name off as this:

Rick Tim Bagno

He looks like this ...

... and has created a blog with this heading:

Given that his name is already causing consternation and confusion in the blogging community I wonder if this guy, like the original Richard, should create some alter egos of his own.

Ric Tim Bongo

Ric Tim Banjo

Ric Tim Bango

Ric Tim Bingo

Hey! It's just a thought.

* Hugh Watt in 1972 was Deputy Prime minister and Minister of Labour. He might have (and no pun on his name in this case) have been anti-abortion for which the women at Victoria University gave him hell. I remember a Drama revue where I think about the only joke made (repeatedly) was people pretending to be deaf and saying "You What?" with images of Hugh Watt in the background. The women members of the cast kept running on stage naked shouting out "You what?" It wasn't even funny then but hey! It was 1972 and I was still 19 and hadn't seen naked women before then.

You What?

Yes, you're right, it was about as funny as those Wainuiomata 'Not', 'Dad' and toilet jokes.

"SON OF GOD, OH CARPENTER WILL YOU COME BACK AROUND? ...

... The blocks and beams are crumbling and the house is fallin' down."

When we finally get around to looking for an apartment to buy in Wellington we'll have to pay careful attention not only to the condition and safety of the building but also to government and council earthquake safety ratings and other regulations. These can change so a bit of professional advice will be needed.

Here's an example of what can go wrong: EGMONT STREET

In 2020 we took a lease on an apartment in that Egmont Street building. The apartment and the building seemed strong despite the earthquake warning notice posted on the front door. I feel sorry for the owners who have had to go for years now with uncertainty and changing requirements not to mention the financial penalties.

I've noticed from a quick look at Wellington apartments for sale that the body corporation or bodycorp rates differ wildly. We've owned apartments before in Auckland and are familiar with bodycorp arrangements. The different yearly costs have mostly been linked to the value of the apartment. In Wellington it seems that bodycorp costs differ mainly due to the earthquake safety rating of the building. It's the insurance cost that makes up the bulk of the costs. Instead of the $4k to $7k per yer that we've been used to, in Wellington yearly bodycorp costs can vary between $10k and $30k! 

We like older buildings and houses and the 1920s, 30s and 40s styles in Oriental Bay appeal. What won't appeal though is buying something that is unsafe or likely to bring with it a whopping great refurbishment bill further down the track - on top of ridiculously high bodycorp rates. Buying into a new, earthquake strengthened building is probably more sensible. That, or buying a townhouse without any bodycorp arrangements.

GETTING ON

We live and we die. That's the natural order of things.

It is, of course bad news when dying inevitably happens.We leave or are left behind by friends, loved ones and acquaintances who 'take' a bit of ourselves away. We all experience it although some experience it at a closer and deeper level than others.

Robert, in his latest post THOSE OF US WHO ARE LEFT recounts from both personal experience and the intimacies shared from conversing with others who have cared for and lost loved ones. This is well crafted and has a visceral and raw honesty element that goes beyond any trite observations and maudlin sentimentality. He writes about: feelings of guilt that we have at 'not doing more' (even when going beyond what would normally be required); of how onerous and tiring caregiving can be; of feelings of helplessness and uncertainty; but mostly of regret, emptiness and loneliness.

• We are the survivors. We went through the trauma of watching a loved one die. Some of us have done this twice. Maybe a son died then a husband. Maybe a wife then a daughter. 
• Caregiving became our world. Often we had no idea what to do or what the future held. We learnt as we went. Sometimes learning to do things others would think unimaginable.
• Eventually the end came. Mostly it was unexpected. Sooner than we expected. Sometimes it was inevitable, obvious.
• Like veterans we only speak of it among ourselves. We have a special bond , those that are left. We understand the flashbacks. The sudden spasm of tears. 
• The irony is that we would all do it again. Would it be easier a second time? I don't think so. But we would.

Powerful stuff that. That's bravery.

Me? I'd want to run away, to hide, to wait until it was all over but .... I know I wouldn't. We all have to 'get on' and do what's right and hopefully for the best.

Lynn was up most of the night having had an early morning call from a good friend, who lives in Scotland whose mother died last night. He had been caregiver for the last several years after she had a stroke. This followed on from losing his wife in 2015 (we attended the funeral in Glasgow). He put his career on hold while nursing his wife (they returned to Scotland from New Zealand in 2015 essentially for her to die amongst family) and later his mother and now he's at an age where it will be difficult and near impossible to pick up where he left off. Having sold up in Auckland 10 years ago and living on proceeds from the sale and other savings he won't be able to afford to return. He's one of those who are left. Lynn, through the night texted and emailed friends and contacts, arranged flowers and condolences and remotely held his hand.

Here's a post I wrote many years ago.

'GETTING ON'

 

FINDING SHIT OUT

Well fancy that (personally I don't), Richard's found another identity to populate his blog. It's some joker named Rick Tim Bagno who might be starting his own blog soon and linking to the Bass Bag Contortion.

"Boo! Ha ha - talk to you soon. Richard! Richie, I need a towel and hey! Can you scrub my back - again?"

It's nice for Richie ... sorry, Richard to have friends again since Robert abandoned him but I fear that Rick Tim is already showing too much interest in Robert and his previous posts so there might be tears soon.

The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ will keep you readers informed.