IRISH STEW

 **BREAKING NEWS**

Just to hand is a leaked police report that I think readers should be made aware of.

WELLINGTON CENTRAL POLICE

SATURDAY 19 JULY 2025

Verbal Report transcript from Sergeant Paulus Constable and PC Ima Sergeant after apprehending a suspect behaving suspiciously in the Tea Aro area.

Sergeant Constable: At about 10am PC Sergeant and I noticed the accused, a Mr Prowse behaving suspiciously in the Te Aro area, specifically in Vivian Street, Cuba Street, Abel smith Street and Wigan Street. PC Sergeant, what did you notice?

PC Sergeant:  I at first noticed the suspect limping from ...

Sergeant Constable: Limping?

PC Sergeant: Yes, he was limping ... er, I don't wish to imply that he was a Chinese man .. if anything he looked German and ...

Sergeant Constable: Get on with it police constable.

PC Sergeant: Oh, yes, OK, I noticed the suspect limping along Wigan Street. He kept stopping to peer inside a parking garage before looking up to the 8th floor of an apartment building. I surmised that he was trying to peer through the windows ..

Sergeant Constable: Peer through the 8th floor windows from ground level police constable? That seems ...

PC Sergeant: I've checked his record sergeant and he was once apprehended, by a big girl, for looking up schoolgirls' dresses while lurking below the school stairs.

Sergeant Constable: The dirty bastard. I've got a good mind to ...

PC Sergeant: Also, sergeant, our records show that he has a younger brother who used to lurk in bushes in Garden Road and look through the windows of a neighbour's house.

Sergeant Constable: What! That's no laughing matter police constable.

PC Sergeant: I'm reliably informed sergeant that this younger brother chuckles a lot.

Sergeant Constable: Oh ho. Does he now? Well he'll be chuckling out of the other side of his mouth when we catch him. We'll ...

PC Sergeant: Um, sergeant, our main focus is this mister Prowse. Mister Richard Stephen Prowse D.O.B. (redacted so as not to shock anyone).

Sergeant Constable: OK police constable. Carry on.

PC Sergeant: I also noticed that the suspect was covered in blood - on his trousers (right leg) and on his hand (right hand). When asked about this he babbled some story about tripping over some rubbish bins at the rear of an old lady's house. I can only surmise that he was lurking and peering with nefarious intent sergeant.

Sergeant Constable: Thank you police constable. Surmise away.

PC Sergeant: Thank you sergeant. I then questioned the suspect as to what he'd been doing in Vivian Street before he lurked along Wigan Street. His response was rather confused which was strange as I'd only given him a few light taps on the head with my truncheon sergeant.

Sergeant Constable: As you should have done police constable. As you should have done. Carry on.

PC Sergeant: The suspect said that he'd been looking for a purple onion. I don't know what that meant sergeant and perhaps is some sort of code that perverts use.

Sergeant Constable: (Ahem) ... er, you are too young (and attractive) Ima to know about The Purple Onion which was a late night strip joint owned by Carmen who also owned Carmen's Coffee Lounge in Vivian Street 'back in the day'. The suspect might simply have been regressing.

PC Sergeant: That makes sense sergeant - more than the suspect did anyway who tried to 'regress' all over my shoes. I'm adding that to his list of charges.

Sergeant Constable: I think we've caught a dirty one here PC 31.

PC Sergeant: My police number isn't 31 sergeant, it's ...

Sergeant Constable: ... just a music joke Ima, just a joke.

PC Sergeant: Oh yes, I forgot sergeant. You come from the 'Nui'.