INTERVIEW # 36

 Happy birthday Jesus I guess as it's Christmas Day and reportedly the day of his birth which seems appropriate to interview one of the witnesses to this supposed event. Welcome Shepherd number one!

SHEPHERD NUMBER ONE: Yer, ta guv. How can I help you?

THE CURMUDGEON: Well Shepherd number one, you do know that it's Christmas Day and you ...

SHEPHERD NUMBER ONE: ... you tryin' to be funny guv?

THE CURMUDGEON: What? No ... I ... er

SHEPHERD NUMBER ONE: Just because I'm a lowly shepherd you think I don't know what day of the bloody week it is. I've got a mind to ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... sorry Shepherd number one. I didn't mean anything by it I ... look, can I drop the Shepherd number one thing? What's your name anyway?

SHEPHERD NUMBER ONE: Ha - it's about time you asked that. Shepherd number one is so insulting. My name is Asher.

THE CURMUDGEON:Asher?

ASHER: Yes, Asher.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK Ash, let's start again.

ASHER: Asher.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK Asher, let's start again. 2025 years ago you were there when Jesus ... what were you doing there?

ASHER: I was abiding the fields and the sheep mate. Like, with my mates mate. I ...

THE CURMUDGEON:...Ha ha - sorry to interrupt Ash ... er, Asher but that reminds me of what Peter Cook once said in a comedy skit. I can't remember the details but he said something like "I can't abide shepherds ... ha ha ...

ASHER: ... finished?

THE CURMUDGEON: Um, yes, sorry about that.

ASHER: (Twit) You're just lucky that Zebulon's not here. He doesn't hold with you fancy-pants making fun of us shepherds.

THE CURMUDGEON: Zebulon? Who's Zebulon?

ASHER: Shepherd number two to you you sonny Jim.

THE CURMUDGEON: Oh - er, I forgot that there were more of you. Who were the others?

ASHER: Justus, Nicodemus, Joseph, Barshabba and Jose.

THE CURMUDGEON: Jose?

ASHER: Yes Jose but he was just with us for work experience he came from a place far away on the other side of the world.

THE CURMUDGEON: The Antipodes?

ASHER: No, Spain. Benidorm I think. Man, could Jose drink. I could tell you some stories about how ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... er, maybe later Asher, maybe later. What I want to know is, at the birth of Jesus, who else was there?

ASHER: Ah, I thought you'd get around to that although no-one's asked me before. Not important enough I suppose . Well, apart from me Zebulon, Justus, Nicodemus, Joseph, Barshabba and Jose, there was a donkey, a sheep - (not one of ours), a cow, some chickens, a cat I think and ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... Yes, yes, yes but any people?

ASHER: Well there were some angels but I'd hardly call them people. People without genitals I suppose ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... You're sounding a bit like Richard but, carry on ...

ASHER: .. some kind of bird that had lights shining out of every orifice, an old geezer named Simon or Simeon, some pious bint named Elizabeth - a real stuck-up cow, and an old dame named Anna.

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, yes, yes ... anyone else?

ASHER: Um, let me think... oh yeah there was someone else ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... Yes, yes, yes, who ...

ASHER: ... A sad looking joker who was looking after the donkey. He didn't half look unhappy and was muttering to himself. Joseph I think they said his name was.

THE CURMUDGEON: Oh, and no one else?

ASHER: No, no that's it.

THE CURMUDGEON: And not another woman? A hot one? No-one named Mary Magdalene?

ASHER: Nah mate. I would've remembered.

THE CURMUDGEON: Bummer!

ASHER: What's that?

THE CURMUDGEON: Nothing. I've got to go now.

ASHER: Bloody journalists!