NOISES OFF

Ring ring: Hello, Noise Control, Officer Coventry speaking

Miss O’Phonic: Hello officer…ha, ha, ha, ha ….excuse me laughing but when I say that I immediately think of the expression ‘Hello Sailor” and it conjures up memories of when I was…

Officer Coventry: Excuse me Madam but can you please tell me what you want.

Miss O’Phonic : ..ha, ha,…er…ahem..ha.ha,…sorry, yes I wish to complain about one of my neighbors.

Officer Coventry: Is this a noise complaint madam?

 Miss O’Phonic: Yes and no. I mean yes there is a problem when this neighbor makes his noise but sometimes it is even worse when he doesn’t make his noise.

 Officer Coventry: I’m not following you madam.

Miss O’Phonic:  Ha, ha, ha..oh dearie me, ha, ha, ha, that reminds me of ….no….ahem…you know that old expression ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop”…ha,ha,ha,ha,   ….makes me think again of sailors in the upstairs bedroom…ha, ha, sorry….

Officer Coventry: You mean the expectation of the noise happening is worse than the noise?

Miss O’Phonic:   Yes, that’s it . The noise is bad enough but when he goes quiet I lie awake …  ha, ha,  … er, lie awake worrying about what is going to come next.

Officer Coventry:  What is the noise Madam?

Miss O’Phonic:  It is hard to describe. It starts out as a scratching sound then develops into a kind of droning and then thee are some thumps. I’m telling you it is very creepy. I’ve never heard such sounds before and quite frankly I don’t want to hear them again.

Officer Coventry: When does this neighbor make these sounds?

Miss O’Phonic:  During the day it varies. Sometimes in the morning at about 6AM and then after 4PM in the afternoon.

Officer Coventry: Are you sure its not an animal. A cat or something?

Miss O’Phonic:  No, no, I did think that initially but he dumps his poor kitty cat outside when he is making the noises. I was thinking of ringing the SPCA.

Officer Coventry: Sounds like the cat is lucky

Miss O’Phonic: Ha, ha, ha, … don’t set me off officer….whoooo, ha, ha,

Officer Coventry: Madam. Madam, Madam! How long has your neighbour been making these horrible and obviously disturbing noises?

Miss O’Phonic:   Oh for years. I moved here 5 years ago and he was doing it then

Officer Coventry:  But it has taken you 5 years to complain.

Miss O’Phonic:  Well, I did think that he would stop and as I said he does go quiet at times so I have never really known if he has finished playing with himself ….whoooo, ha, ha, ha, there I go again…ahem, but I have been noticing a pattern.

Officer Coventry:  A pattern?

Miss O’Phonic:  No, a pattern

Officer Coventry:  ?

Miss O’Phonic:  At the beginning of the year, usually on New Years Day the noises are very bad.

Officer Coventry: Very bad?

Miss O’Phonic: Yes Very bad and also very long. He goes on for a couple of hours at least and this continues day after day. After a month he tapers off a bit which is a relief and by mid year the noises become drastically reduced with on some days nothing at all emanating from his house.

Officer Coventry: His house then, does he live alone?

Miss O’Phonic: No, he somehow has managed to get a woman to live with him. She is lovely and very quiet. I worry that she might have gone deaf from his noises. He also has some younger people coming to stay from time to time. They last a few days before being driven out by the noise I suppose.

Officer Coventry: OK,. When he goes quiet in the mid year for how long..?

Miss O’Phonic:  Until about November

Officer Coventry:  OK he goes quiet for a few moths what happens then?

Miss O’Phonic: He drinks

Officer Coventry:  He drinks?

Miss O’Phonic:  He drinks. I have counted up to eight empty wine bottles in his recycle bin on collection days.

Officer Coventry: 8 bottles? He must be rich

Miss O’Phonic: Well his name is Richard but the quality of the wine he drinks wouldn’t exactly make a pauper of him.

Officer Coventry:  Richard, Richard…mmm. What is his surname?

Miss O’Phonic:  Prowse.

Officer Coventry:  Prouse? Like the park

Miss O’Phonic: No, no he’s not that famous. Prowse -  like the blanket man.

Officer Coventry: Oh I see.

Miss O’Phonic:  Anyway, after a bit of a hiatus he comes back with a vengeance in about November and makes his noises for 3, sometimes 4 hours a day right up until the end of the year.

Officer Coventry: How many hours a year do you think?

Miss O’Phonic:  I keep a log. The year just gone I counted 302 hours

Officer Coventry: Jeez…I mean Jeepers! Don’t worry Miss O’Phonic I’ll see what I can do.

Miss O’Phonic:  Thank you Officer Coventry.