GIZ A JOB

I can do that.

We heard today that the pope has resigned.

"KAMERAD, KAMERAD"

Understandably really for someone in his 80's. He should have 'kameraded' years ago.

I was thinking though that I wouldn't mind that job. I'd have to push through some papal decrees about celibacy and speaking Italian and stuff but generally I reckon I could wing it.

The Vatican share price has no doubt hit the floor.

Papal Industriesdown 100% on announcement

I was an altar boy so know that a surplice goes over a cassock and can say things like "In nomine patris et fili et sancti amen" and stuff like that and if pushed can sing a pretty mean Tantum Ergo.

I also know how to play Cardinals:

What’s needed: A pint glass of usually beer.

 The objective: Finish the glass in six tries, and leave no backwash.

The game: Grab the pint glass with your thumb and forefinger and hoist. "Here's to Cardinal Puff for the first time tonight." Consume some. Tap the glass, once on the bar top, then set it down. With the fore finger of each hand, tap the bar top (alternating left/right), tap the underside of the bar top, then the bar bottom (or table, alternating left/right), tap each thigh top, tap each foot, sit up, then down once. Grab the pint, hoist aloft using thumb, index and forefinger and toast "Here's to Cardinal Puff Puff, for the second time tonight." Consume two times, tap the glass twice on the bar top, and use two fingers and repeat the first step (tap, tap, etc...) On the third try, you will say; "Here's to Cardinal Puff, Puff, Puff, for the third and final time tonight." Hoist the glass using thumb, and three fingers and consume all remaining brew in three separate drinks (making sure there is virtually NONE left in the glass). With three fingers, repeat tapping sequence (three times each, obviously). Upon finishing tapping sequence and sitting sequence, you will grab the glass with an inverted grip and proclaim "Once a Cardinal..." you then invert the glass (mouth down) and set it down on a paper towel or napkin so as to monitor any excess liquid not drank during your 6 drinks. Then you will grab the glass again with an inverted grip and proclaim "always a Cardinal" while inverting the glass to where it is once again upright (mouth up).

IMPORTANT -There should be no liquid from the glass on the bar from the inverted pint (other than glass condensate), however, if there is  -Drink. Repeat the whole process again! If there is none, the ruling Judge shall ask the subject; "Are you a Cardinal?" To which the subject shall reply; " Is the pope a catholic?" -Any other answer is unacceptable and constitutes repeating the whole process again. If, in future times, you are approached and asked "Are you a Cardinal?" The only answer can be; "Is the pope a catholic?" The person asking the question may then challenge the person by saying; "Prove it." The person MUST prove they are by doing the whole process before you. They in turn, can ask the same of you.

To make the game more challenging, and up the anti... The basic level is Cardinal Puff, accomplished by one pint glass. The following is the rules for advancing in the ranks. :)

a. Cardinal - One pint glass

b. Bishop - Two pint glasses, the first glass fully consumed on round one, then parts two and three on glass two.

c. Arch Bishop - Three pint glasses, one for each part of the game.

d. Pope - A jug of beer.. In order to proceed up the ranks, you have to accomplish each step before it at one sitting.

 
I've never actually achieved cardinal status. I wonder if that old Cardinal Puff Puff - Richard has. He's got the advantage of speaking Italian too so if he's going for the job I'd better let the college of cardinals know about his bass bag and the blasphemies he constantly commits.