CULLING THE FRONT BENCH

The Old Girl, who is home and not working this weekend, decided to take to my garden. The nerve of the woman, she cast aspersions on my gardening abilities, identifying weeds growing amongst the tomatoes, the capsicum, the flax, the native grasses, the herbs and the flowers. Admittedly there were a few and of many varieties but I had identified most myself and was quietly keeping an eye on them.

I had given them names (not knowing their real botanical ones) and was intrigued as to how they grew and interacted with their surrounding plants. I had named them after Government front bench members, which, given their political motivations seems appropriate.

Here are some of them:

John Key (Shonkey)

The biggest weed of all, insidious in its apparent innocuousness but has managed to infiltrate the garden with a bunch of horrible associates.

My weeds that I have dedicated to him are:

Smilax

and,

Wandering Jew 

Bill English

Closely followed by this one. Malevolent with crocodile smile it has hidden barbs. Best handled at a distance of with heavy gloves.

My weeds that I have dedicated to him are:

Shepherd's Purse

and,

Alligator weed

Gerry Browlee

A big obnoxious weed that is hard to get rid of










My weeds that I have dedicated to him are:

Oil-seed Rape

and,

Cathedral Bells

Judith Collins

A little annoying weed that irritates









My weeds that I have dedicated to her are:

Stinging Nettle

and,

Trailing Torment

Anne Tolley

One that hangs around, doesn't really do anything but is annoying and will need to be addressed soon






My weeds that I have dedicated to her are:

Creeping Buttercup

And,

Nipple Wort

Christopher Finlayson

A particularly sharp weed that will scratch, sting and hurt if you are looking the other way





My weeds that I have dedicated to him are:

Hemlock

and,

Creeping thistle

Murray McCully

This one is not really obnoxious but really annoys when it sticks its head up.







My weed that I have dedicated to him is:

Scotch Thistle

Paula Bennett

A big, useless and unnecessary addition to the garden.







My weeds that I have dedicated to her are:

Toadflax

and,

Hornwort

Phil Heatley

A local weed, not particularly noxious and to be honest hardly noticed.







My weed that I have dedicated to him is:

Long-headed poppy

Steven Joyce

This is a big, soft and spreading weed, unctious - inoffensive but one that you really don't want to spread too much.







My weed that I have dedicated to him is:

Smooth Sowthistle

Wayne Mapp

Lastly, a bit of a weird one that just hangs around with nothing much to do. It doesn't get any bigger but refuses to die off as well.






My weed that I have dedicated to him is:

Apple of Sodom

An associate of the Government who seems to ingratiate himself into every nook and cranny. Thick-skinned with apparently endless lives this one is very hard to get rid of.




My weeds that I have dedicated to him are:

Ginger plant

and,

Gorse

Another weed I have but found it impossible to name after a Government Cabinet Minister is:

Honesty

I managed to get my weedeater going and, under instructions, eliminated all of my Front Benchers.

If only it were that easy in November.