LONELY PLANET GUIDE TO NUOVA LAZIO UPDATE

My editor got all excited the other day about the new report for the world's leading country which highlighted the world's most beautiful toilets, the most beautiful women and the most handsome men.
She re-read my June 2010 Nuova Lazio travel guide report and asked requested ordered me to go back to Nuova Lazio to update the report.

See :

LONELY PLANET GUIDE TO NUOVA LAZIO

It's been nealy six years since my beloved and I made the trip there to confirm flattering reports made by someone named Richard (of RBB). The truth was somewhat of a shock which many visits to counsellors, therapists and EST sessions have almost remedied.

My beloved said to me:

"Not on your life Matey. I'd rather go up the bloody Amazon on a rubber tyre than do that trip again"

I took that as a no so I packed my bag and went alone making sure that I'd only take something that I wouldn't miss when Nuova Lazio Airlines lost my bag, and, if they didn't lose it then something I could easily carry whilst running.











Being an experienced traveller was of no assistance to my first trip to Nuova Lazio but this time I was prepared for the worst. I found my late father's war memorabilia and dug out his old tropical outfit which included mosquito nets, mercaptran tablets, elephant gun, reinforced underpants and haemorrhoid cream. I was ready.




The flight, arrival and transfer were not much better than the first time except that I avoided the offer of 'public' transport or indeed any form of transport (my memory of Rueben was still unsettling) and hiked my way over the gorse covered hills to the hidden valley beyond.

Time seemed to go backwards.

The editor said to look out for the Beautiful Toilets that may exist so, as I needed to go after the long trek that was my first port of call.

The first (and only) one I found was to be had in the centre of the (in)famous Nuova Lazio mall.

Not wanting to be too scathing I looked for favourable descriptions for my update.

"Fresh, open air ambiance"
"Automatic cleaning" - (it rains a lot in Nuova Lazio)
"Unisex"
"Handicap friendly" (although the guy with the crutches seemed to be having some difficulty).

Doing my business quickly and getting away I thought to myself that the lack of walls and a roof did in fact make me feel safer than being inside in this town.

I proceeded to the other items on the check list that the editor gave me.

 Beautiful Women

I hadn't seen any in the 'beautiful toilets' if indeed any of the users were actually women so I decided to wander around the mall.
I noticed that the cleaner cum security person who had been on duty here on my first visit was no longer working. As a consequence the mall seemed tidier and a lot safer. "Thank that mythical place that Christians believe in for small mercies" I thought.

After looking for and at some members of the fairer sex and receiving some worrying 'come-ons'
I discovered these two.

To be honest they were the best examples and time was getting on so I photographed and logged the image.

Due to my earlier experience I'd been careful to make my plans not to stay over in Nuova Lazio or dine there so knew I had to hike out pretty soon to catch my exit flight.

I still had to find an example of the Handsome Man that the main report in the Guide had highlighted.
I had just about given up when fortunately I was struck on the back of the head and fell to the ground.

"giz us ya wallet" said a crazed and drunken neanderthal.

As I fumbled to toss some travellers cheques towards him I took the opportunity to take a snapshot of him with my phone while he wasn't looking too closely. His eyes were glazed over so I guess that's why he didn't realise I had a cell-phone but I stuck it down the front of my trosers just in case.

"This'll have to do" I thought and took off over the hills and away, never to return.