GETTING REAMED UP THE ARSE

Yes, I know that you think that the title of this post refers to the inexplicable election of Donald Trump as President of those United States of America (soon to be known as the Altered States of America) but you are wrong.

Yes, the guy above has certainly 'stuck it up the arse (or ass) of America this last week, and, from the safe distance of New Zealand we've still felt the unwanted intrusion but what I had on Friday was an even greater intrusion.

COLONOSCOPY!

My GP on my last visit a couple of weeks ago told me the results of the Waitemata Bowel Screen test I took.

She said that it was positive.

I looked relieved and started to say "good, I'm...." before realising that in this context 'positive' is not the result you want. She suggested a colonoscopy to check 'what's going on down there' and that I could go on a waiting list for the free hospital treatment that we are all entitled to.

The problem is that the Waitemata Bowel Screen test has identified hundreds of people who need to have a check on 'what's going on down there' and basically there aren't enough qualified specialists to run the tests. It requires proctologists and 'Misters' with a lot of other 'ologist' suffixes to be trusted with running little cameras up people's bottoms - not at all to be trusted to nurses, especially female nurses even those with many decades of experience so - a long waiting list. Go figure.

Fortunately I have Southern Cross medical cover which enabled me to 'jump the queue' for the medical procedure and I was able to secure an appointment within two weeks. Securing this appointment in such a quick time though is not without its costs. Southern Cross medical insurance costs us many thousands a year and I often wonder when I'll get a 'return'. The procedure costs about $3000. My insurance means that I get this for 'free' but have to pay an excess of $500. The Southern Cross consultant cheerily explained to me that once I pay the $500 excess then I won't have to pay that excess again for any other surgeries or medical emergencies over the next 12 months. 

Oh Joy.

So, the colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy involves ........... on second thoughts (that's not a reference to Second) .... you don't want to know.

The best thing about a colonoscopy (and I suppose any medical procedures) is the drugs.

In this case I think that it's Rohypnol or something similar. This is the 'Date Rape' drug of choice for perverts, rapists and 'men-about-town' out there.

I must admit it made me feel quite marvellous and to not be at all perturbed that some stranger(s) had inserted an invasive device up my back passage while I 'willingly' slumbered on.

I think that the procedure was positive ..., no negative ...no pos  ... fuck I don't know ... the doc (Mr) told me afterwards that it was OK and just confirmed that I had diverticlae which I knew anyway and that my GP would be in touch. I think that's what he said as I was still under the effect of the Rohypnol or whatever the yummy stuff he had given me so if he'd said "all is OK and I fondled your balls while I was down there" I probably would have  said "that's all right, you're welcome".

An aside: Marist Brothers and priests should put this drug into the drinking water at schools - it would save them and their new pope a lot of hassles.

Now I wait for confirmation from my GP but I think that my arsehole is OK.

I don't think that this arsehole is OK though.

How the hell can you elect a guy that makes fun of someone with Aarthrogryposis as Trump did when mocking Serge Kovaleski.