I imagine that it's 'stress city' in Nuova Lazio at present.
Anyway, because the old guy is busy he's asked if The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ could fill in the Saturday morning slot for him.
No problem - that's what The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ are here for - to solve problems and to promulgate useful and entertaining facts.
Today we've assembled The Curmudgeon (TC), The Curmudgeon Express, (TCE) The Food Curmudgeon (TFC), The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt TCAA), The Mundane Curmudgeon TMC), The Curmudgeonly Luddite TCL), The Cultured Curmudgeon (TCC), The Religious Curmudgeon (TRC), The Philosophical Curmudgeon (TPC), The Music Curmudgeon, (TMC2) The Darker Curmudgeon (TDC), The Wine Guy (TWG), Good Kiwi Bloke. (GKB) ,The Wine Guy Express, (TWGE) The New Wine Guy (TNWG), Zweite Geige (ZG), Bass's Bag. (BB) and The New Different Time Zone Bill (TNDTZB). It will be a lively forum but we've decided to stick to drinking coffee and tea with no wine this time as things can get out of hand with this group-
TC: Morning guys, thanks for coming in this morning. There's tea or coffee in the kitchen. Help yourselves.
TFC: Great, thanks. I'll have Irish Breakfast tea with soy milk.
BB: Poofter. Where's the beer then?
TC: No alcohol this morning Bas. It got a bit out of hand the last couple of times.
TC: Hey Zweite, please be polite. Remember that The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt is here.
TCAA: Don't worry about me TC, I can handle little foreign scrotes like him. Why, I've ...
TC: Settle down everyone and get some bloody refreshments so we can start. Sheesh!
ALL: (mumble, mumble, grumpy bastard, couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery etc)
TC: OK. All settled? Now we have the Saturday spot today because Richard can't do it. He's ....
GKB: snigger, snigger.
TC: Good Kiwi Bloke, give him a break. He's old OK?
GKB: Yeah, right mate. Carry on.
TC: Now Richard has some sort of film music to write really quickly for the 48 Hour Film Challenge. He started last night apparently and ...
TMC: Why doesn't he just use Robert's music creating programme? He could just drop in a couple of words relating to the theme,
steal borrow a couple of chords from a Randy Newman song and bingo!
TC: No, Music Curmudgeon, Richard is a purist. He's old and slow and will never make his millions producing pop songs but he's a purist. He wants to write all his own music even if that means staying up all night on Friday and Saturday.
TCL: He's a man after my heart.
TMC: Mine too.
TPC: Well I think.
TPC: I think. That's what I do. Also I think that Richard will take up smoking and drinking again because of the pressure.
TWG: Drinking again! He never stopped. He keeps the chardonnay (albeit cheap and unlabelled chardonnay) market going. I heard that he must have knocked back a few the other night and is feeling guilty about it.
TWGE: No, no he denied that. He said he was just trying to find a song for some woman.
BB: Yeah right.
GKB: Hey, that's what I was going to say you old bastard.
sound of scuffling
TC: Cut it out you two and mind Lynn's carpet. If you get tea and coffee stains on that I'm for it.
TNDTZB: I just had a peek into the future. Richard did well with the music but he's now in a detox clinic for nicotine poisoning.
TC: Thanks Bill.
TDC: Slippery slope guys, slippery slope.
TC: (under his breath) Fuck.
TCE: Hurry up guys. What the hell are we doing here? What's the agenda? what ..
TC: Well that's the longest statement you've made ever Express. We are here to discuss the opportunity. I didn't say that we'd actually achieve anything.
TFC: I'm hungry.
TRC: If Robert was here (and he wouldn't be because we don't talk to him) he'd offer you some food for your soul ...
TPC: .... brought to you on a silver tray by his holy seagull no doubt.
ALL: ha ha, funny Philosophical guy, ha ha ...
much hilarity and unfortunately ... spillage
TC: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I'm for it now. Let's get this cleaned up guys.
sound of running feet, cars starting up and driving away