THE ARCANE RULES OF RUGBY

Rugby Union is a complicated game with more arcane rules than the Catholic Church has and likely fewer people understanding them.

I've followed rugby since I was about 8 years old and played it for two years - in the 7th form at college and in my first year of university. I played Rugby League when I was a real little guy from ages 8 through 10 and then, at Intermediate Standard five switched to soccer. I was pretty good at soccer when at Marist Brothers Newtown when we had good teams. At Secondary school at St Patrick's College Wellington I continued to play soccer but the teams were pretty bad since soccer was frowned upon. See: HERE
I switched to rugby in my last year at college as I was tired of losing every game of soccer we played. I was pretty good at rugby and the team I was in won every game we played that year- the only one in the entire school and the league we played in - to do so.


I was a back when I played rugby. Backs comprise nearly half of the team of fifteen being seven players selected for their daring and dash. Backs are the players* who almost exclusively score the tries, kick the goals and win the game basically. I played as a back in positions of centre, wing and sometimes full-back. The rules were straightforward for backs - get the ball, pass it along the back-line and score the tries without dropping the ball forward (a knock on) or passing the ball forward (forward pass). Simple - and effective.

The people in rugby teams with fat arses are known as forwards. No-one really knows what they do as they generally keep to themselves, usually in some kind of a huddle with the forwards of the opposing team. Backs tend to keep away from them and it's generally easy to run around them and get on with the job of scoring the tries. There are eight forwards in a rugby team.

There is another player, the fifteenth known as the half-back. This person is usually a short-arse and daringly hangs around the forwards to retrieve the ball which they invariable let go loose. The half-back rightfully gives the ball back to the backs.

Over the years the forwards must have got a bit pissed off at not being the glamour of the team and invented all sorts of strange rules and disciplines that they didn't share with anyone else and I suppose it made them feel better. As I said, I've followed rugby for nearly 60 years and I still don't know what these forwards get up to and what all their inventions mean. Some of them are here of which I do know what some, not all, mean:

• Line-outs - where they line up and have a mini-game on their own before the backs get the ball.
• Binding - I think this is all those bandages that they wear on their arms, legs and heads.
• Blindside - I guess this is where they tackle a back who isn't watching.
• Breakaway - not sure.
• Feed - what they do before and after the game (see turnover).
• Flanker - not sure. It could be a misheard term that the backs use about them.
• Foot up - don't know.
• Front five - I think this is self-evident. Where are the other three are skiving off to though?
• Front row - could be the first three or the fact that the first three argue amongst them selves.
• Hooker - don't ask. What goes on on tour stays on tour.
• Jumper - I guess they get cold standing around all the time and need that extra layer.
• Lifting - they pinch the beers back at the clubhouse.
• Lock - what the barman has to do to protect the beers.
• Loose head - don't know.
• Loose forwards - probably a spelling mistake. They often lose the ball forwards (knock on).
• Maul - what they do to any poor back who gets too close.
• Pack - another term that the backs use as in 'what a pack of ...'
• Pushover try - I assume this refers to how easy the backs score tries.
• Ruck - don't understand.
• Scrum - a kind of organised huddle.
• Tight five - the front five who lifted and drank the beers I guess.
• Tight head - don't know.
• Turnover - the kind of meat or fruit pies that they eat at half-time.

Richard (of RBB) was a forward when he played rugby at college and in his first year of university.
He was quite good at it given that he was a forward.

Someone said this about him in a comment on one of my earlier posts:

""What's that? what? Hey did I ever tell you about when I was at college and one year I took the most ti ...."
Just for accuracy, I played hooker - not tight head prop. Big difference. One game I took 16 tightheads. I was lucky to have a strong forward pack and two very good props. "

Actually it was Richard who said that. I'm not entirely sure what he was talking about - taking 'tightheads'-sic. Maybe it was the turnovers he took. Anyway he's proud of the fact so I hope that they gave him a medal or a certificate. No doubt he used the fact as a chat-up line with women in his younger days. I wonder how that went?


*Note that we at The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ use the gender neutral term as there are many girls and women playing rugby nowadays at all levels.