INTERVIEW #32

 Today we will be looking at wit in our interview since those old guys down in the Hutt Valley have been giving wit a go recently.

To be frank - and they aren't, they are Richard and Robert (that's a joke reference to the film Airplane in case you missed it) - those guys wouldn't know wit if it bit them on the bum so I contacted the greatest wit master of all time, Oscar wilde to tell us about wit and whether the Hutt Valleyites have got any chance of improving.

The Curmudgeon: Welcome Mr Wilde to The Curmudgeon's interview series. It's so nice to have you here. Nice to see you - nice.

Oscar Wilde: Thank you Mr Curmudgeon I ... look, I couldn't help noticing you used a bit of that god awful Bruce Forsyth humour there. That silly old goat wouldn't know humour if it bit him on the backside.

The Curmudgeon: (red faced) er, I was just setting up the scenario for this interview you see, some guys I know who live in the Hutt think that they're funny and use very old jokes in their blo ...

Oscar Wilde: ... they live in a hut?

The Curmudgeon: Ha ha , no, they live in the Hutt Valley. It's a kind of suburb that Wellington keeps at a distance. No-one really goes there and the powers that be in Wellington, the capital city, spent billions on a new motorway system that ensures that the place can be easily bypassed.

Oscar Wilde: Ha ha, I see. I'll make sure that I avoid it. Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

The Curmudgeon: Um, that's a bit rude Mr Wilde, those guys, unfunny as they may be are still friends of mine. Hey! Can I call you Oscar and you can call me TC?

Oscar Wilde: Sure TC, Oscar is fine. I believe it's better to be yourself as everyone else is taken. With regard to those friends of yours do you know that you should always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

The Curmudgeon: Ha ha, I like that. Is it one of your ...

Oscar Wilde: ... A good friend will always stab you in the front.

The Curmudgeon: Ha ha , yes I ...

Oscar Wilde: ... Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.

The Curmudgeon: Yes, well ...

Oscar Wilde: ... A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.

The Curmudgeon: Look Oscar, can we dispense with the 'friends' jokes now I ...

Oscar Wilde: ... Jokes! I must inform you my good man that these are not 'jokes'. They are observations on life - quips or aphorisms if you wish. If you want to tell people the truth, you have to make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

The Curmudgeon: Right, I see, like when Stephen Fry said "An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."

Oscar Wilde: Mmm, I think that Stephen Fry stole that from me.

The Curmudgeon: OK, how about Spike Milligan who said "All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."

Oscar Wilde: Ha ha - I like old Spike. When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

The Curmudgeon: Very clever Oscar.

Oscar Wilde: Now, about those old guys who live in that hut together ... they're not ... you know ...

The Curmudgeon: What, gay you mean?

Oscar Wilde: Mmmm, you should know that in my time we didn't say things like that - you know, the love that must not be mentioned and all that.

The Curmudgeon: Ha ha ... no, those old guys aren't gay although I admit that one of them, Robert, is always telling the other that he loves him. He's a Christian you see - a Catholic actually.

Oscar Wilde: Oh dear. I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The Curmudgeon: Richard's mother used to say something similar. She used to say that she didn't want to go to heaven if Mr Linford (a neighbour) was going to be there.

Oscar Wilde: Nice, although Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

The Curmudgeon: You can say that again Oscar.

Oscar Wilde: I said women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. Are you going deaf TC?

The Curmudgeon: No, it's kind of like a joke Oscar - a bit out of fashion like Richard's 'NOT' jokes.

Oscar Wilde: Richard?

The Curmudgeon: Yes, Richard. He's the other old guy who lives in that hut. He uses 'Not' jokes a lot. They're 'not' very funny ha ha.

Oscar Wilde: Nice try TC.  It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. Which reminds me, you said the other guy was a Catholic. I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The Curmudgeon: That's what Richard and I say to him. He never has a solid argument but then bangs on about sin, faith, god and morality.

Oscar Wilde: Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.

The Curmudgeon: I like that Oscar. Have you any more of those um ... aphorisms?

Oscar Wilde: About 1500 I think here - how about this? Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

The Curmudgeon: Clever, you should write a book.

Oscar Wilde: I have TC, I have. I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying .... er, that's not one of my best

The Curmudgeon: You could do well in that hut Oscar ha ha.

Oscar Wilde: Harrumph!

The Curmudgeon: Sorry Oscar.

Oscar Wilde: OK. Here's one for that Christian guy if you want him to get his pantaloons in a twist: "You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit".

The Curmudgeon: Thanks, I like that. I sort of said something similar to him in a blog comment the other day. He didn't respond of course.

Oscar Wilde: The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.

The Curmudgeon: Great. Look, it's been nice talking to you. I have to go now and make some butter chicken pies for our dinner. They'll go nicely with a glass of pinot noir I think.

Oscar Wilde: Work is the curse of the drinking classes TC, remember that.

The Curmudgeon: Nice Oscar, nice ... oops, sorry about that.