WHY RICHARD WOULD NOT BE A CARDINAL - REASON #2

The readership response to the previous post: WHY RICHARD WOULD NOT BE A CARDINAL - REASON #1 was overwhelming so I've decided that there is interest in this becoming a series.

As I mentioned there are many reasons why Richard would not be a cardinal.

Sure, being a priest and typically a bishop first is the usual 'pecking order' but there have been instances where laymen have been cardinals in the past. The selection is entirely up to the pope, and while tradition is his guide, he has the power to make his own decision.

Although a woman has not been appointed a cardinal since the system of electing the pope began around the 12th century, some have suggested it would be possible for the church to name women as cardinals but, let's not drift off into the realms of fantasy here. Richard is not a woman and will never be one. Let's face it, he wouldn't qualify for that position either which could lead to a follow up series - 'Why Richard would not be a woman'. Note: I was given the title of 'honorary woman' by The Old Girl' years ago during our 'honeymoon period' because I was sensitive to her and her friends needs. Later this honorary title was removed because, as she said "you're becoming too blokey matey" but that's another story.

Let's move on to 'Why Richard would not be a cardinal - reason #2

Reason #2: Simony

Vatican vetting uncovered an old post of Richard's on Richard's Bass Bag from a year ago which will work against him. Here is an excerpt from it:

Sunday was always a special day for Richard and he always attended the three Sunday masses at his Wellington church. 7am, 8.30am and 10am. However, today was a special day because he had organised the opening of a church shop.

Richard had always been one of those guys who passed the plate around. He'd suggested to the church committee that, with a small shop, they could make a lot more money.

The conversation went something like this:

Committee member 1: But what would we sell? Altar wine? Things to stop our girls getting pregnant?

Richard: I love you Ted. No, we'd sell things like holy pictures, rosary beads and maybe some plenary indulgences. Flowers could go well too.

Committee member 2: That 'Man' magazine is very popular with the young guys. We'd make quite a few quid if we added some of them.

Richard: I love you Patrick. No. If we promote rosary beads during the sermon, I reckon we'd make a killing. Also, we tell the congregation that wearing a holy picture in your shirt pocket, or inside your blouse, gives you extra protection from Satan.

Committee member 3: I'm with you Richard. Do you love me too?

Richard: Yes Brent, but only if you're not a homosexual.

Committee member 4: I think Father Thomas might be one of those. Have you seen the way he watches the boys when they're changing into their altar boy outfits?

Richard: No Mrs. Walker, Father Thomas is just a paedophile. That's different.

Committee member 5: Do you think your idea of expanding from just selling religious items to  trading in spiritual matters and divine grace is wise Simon ... sorry, Richard?

Richard: Buying or selling spiritual matters, such as church offices, sacred objects, or divine grace, for material gain might be considered a sin Thomas, but Simon Magus, who tried to purchase the power of the Holy Spirit from the Apostle Peter had the right idea. Like Donald Trump in the USA and his move to control the Supreme Court and the Judiciary, Simon's plan to get The Holy Spirit's power was inspired. I think I'll give it a go.

The church shop was quite a success. Richard was a smart guy who just continued to do good things for the church - and of course himself. He was mortgage free and had just purchased a new motor vehicle although he was a bit pissed off that he'd bought it too early. "If I'd known Il Papa was going to pop his clogs I'd have waited" he mused "there'll be a good deal going on that popemobile soon".