INTERVIEW # 34

 Easter is next weekend and Robert's been writing about Palm Sunday which was celebrated yesterday.

Palm Sunday as most Christians know is kind of like a pointer towards the crucifiction and resurrection of Jesus Christ a week later.

Another celebrated earlier event, by about 6 days is the resurrection of Lazarus of Bethany.

Lazarus of Bethany

His 'resurrection' has been a subject of controversy for a couple of millennia with believers saying that Jesus brought him back to life four days after he died and was entombed. Skeptics suggest that he hadn't died and was just locked up in a cave until Jesus called him out. Conspiracy theorists believe that the whole thing was a jack-up organised between Jesus, Lazarus and his sisters as some way of giving Jesus credibility as the Messiah. Who knows - Jesus himself was done away with later and apparently Lazarus didn't go on a speaking tour to tell everyone what really happened.

It's time that we learnt some things from Lazarus himself so we asked him to come in and spill the beans.

THE CURMUDGEON: Hi Laz how are you going?

LAZARUS: Oh mustn't grumble TC although to be honest today always brings back bad memories for me.

THE CURMUDGEON: Really Laz? I thought that being brought back from the dead would have been a memorable day and one that you'd want to celebrate.

LAZARUS: Yeah, well, talking of celebration TC, have you looked closely at that pic of me?

THE CURMUDGEON: Now that you mention it Laz, you're looking a bit green about the gills if you don't mind me saying. Was that because you'd been dead for four days?

LAZARUS: Ha ha - no TC. I had the most powerful hangover like you wouldn't believe. That was on top of having been a bit crook for a week before that. Flu I think.

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, I read somewhere that you'd been sick. In the Gospels I think ...

LAZARUS: Not the Gospels plural TC - it was only John that covered the story and that came later.  Matthew, Mark and Luke, who were around at the time, never made a mention of it. No card. No flowers. Bloody nothing.

THE CURMUDGEON: Jesus wept!

LAZARUS: Yes, so John said and that's one of the few comments he made about it too. I tell you - I'm very disappointed. John 11:35.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK. Why'd you get so pissed then?

LAZARUS: Look, you know that Jesus and I were supposed to be mates right?

THE CURMUDGEON: Were you? I didn't know that.

LAZARUS: Yeah. Jesus was a bit of a pussy hound. You've heard about him and Mags right?

THE CURMUDGEON: Mags?

LAZARUS: Come on TC, don't be coy. I've read your interview with Jesus when he told you about knocking Mags up. Mags. Mary Magdalene. You know - Mags.

THE CURMUDGEON: Ha ha Laz, yeah, just fucking with you there. Yes in Interview #8 with Judas Iscariot and Interview #17 with James The Lesser we did talk about Jesus and The Magdalene ...

LAZARUS: "The Magdalene"? Whoeee! Get you. I just called her Mags.

THE CURMUDGEON: (blushing) Look. Mary (the) Magdalene was nice OK. I sort of you know, liked her when I was reading the bible back when I was a Catholic. I preferred her pictures to those of Jesus's mum who was always a bit stuck up ... look Laz, we're getting off topic here. You were saying that Jesus and you were mates.

LAZARUS: Oh yeah we were but I think that he was just hanging around because he fancied my sisters - you know, Mary and Martha.

THE CURMUDGEON: There were a lot of Marys around then, it must have been confusing Laz.

LAZARUS: And Marthas. You couldn't move for Arthurs and Marthas ha ha ...

THE CURMUDGEON: Arthurs?

LAZARUS: Um, it was a joke TC, an old one.

THE CURMUDGEON: Never mind. It'll soon be taken up by the Wainuiomartians. They like old jokes. Anyway, was Jesus there when you were getting pissed?

LAZARUS: No. He said he was coming but didn't turn up. Martha was livid. She'd sent him a message that I was ill but he delayed coming to my bedside. I think he was hoping that I'd die so that he could pull a stupendous stunt to boost his own reputation and get people to believe! John mentions this in his bloody skinny report in verses 14-15: “Then Jesus told them plainly, ‘Lazarus is dead. For your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.’” WTF?

THE CURMUDGEON: Well, I'm confused. Did you die or didn't you?

LAZARUS: I didn't die TC. It was some sort of scam dreamed up between Jesus and Martha and probably Mary as well. They cooked up an idea that I'd be 'at death's door' and he'd turn up, lay his hands on me - (not like that TC - that's the Marist Brothers you're thinking of, Jesus was straight regardless of those gay images that Robert puts on his blog) - and cure me like he did with those lepers. Somewhere along the way one of them thought that upping the game was in order so decided it'd be better that I 'die' and Jesus could come along later and 'resurrect' me.

THE CURMUDGEON: Ha - the power of marketing eh. It's like a ratchet where ...

LAZARUS: ... rat shit is right TC. I tell you. I felt like I'd been given rat poison when I woke up.

THE CURMUDGEON: Now let me get this right. Bear with me Laz.  You were sick but not dying - a bit of the old 'man flu'. Jesus didn't turn up as you expected for the 'laying on of the hands'?

LAZARUS: That's right and yes, I was involved in that bit. Jesus said that he'd 'see me right' once he was crowned and all that.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK, but, unknown to you Jesus, Martha and maybe Mary - your sisters- had cooked up a plan for you to 'die'. How did they do that?

LAZARUS: The sisters and I were party animals TC. We liked a bevvy or three so, when I was feeling a bit better from my cold ... sorry, my flu, we had a bit of a knees up. A bender really. Those cleanskin amphoras are dangerous TC. You just don't know how strong the wine is. I suspect however that Martha put something else in my drink - you know, a Mickey or something.

THE CURMUDGEON: A micky?

LAZARUS: No, a Mickey - you know a ' Mickey Finn'. Rohypnol. Ketamine, MDA. Date rape drug - something that knocked me out sort of like putting me in a coma.

THE CURMUDGEON: Oooo ... I'm beginning to see Laz.

LAZARUS: Jesus! Sorry, Jeez! Sorry, Sheesh! It took you long enough TC. How were you brought up? Cloistered in Catholic schools ... oh yeah .. carry on.

THE CURMUDGEON: So your sisters, in collusion with Jesus, put you in some sort of comatose state,  declared you to be dead and interred you in a cave with a rock covering the door ..."

LAZARUS: That's right.

THE CURMUDGEON: I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging here ...

LAZARUS: ... Sheesh! That's right. They drugged me, interred me and, when Jesus arrived they told him I was dead and buried giving him the chance to say ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... Not before Martha said to Jesus: " I believe you’re “the Messiah, the Son of God, the one coming into the world” (JOHN:11:20-27).

LAZARUS: That's right and Jesus said ‘Where have ye laid him?’ They said unto him, ‘Lord, come and see.’ Jesus wept” (11:33-35).

THE CURMUDGEON: 'Jesus wept'! is right.

LAZARUS: Yeah and Jesus “cried with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!”. Woken at last and with a pounding headache I came out finding mys hands and feet bound with strips of cloth, and my face wrapped in a cloth. Jesus said to the (carefully staged) crowd, "Unbind him, and let him go.’”  And there you have it.

THE CURMUDGEON: Bloody Hell!

LAZARUS: Yeah. I guess I'll see you there TC when I've finished with my wandering.

THE CURMUDGEON: Will Richard be there?

LAZARUS: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  ....

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  ha 

LAZARUS: And Mr Linford ...

THE CURMUDGEON: ... You're a hoot Laz. Look if you give up wandering and don't fancy going to Hell why don't I join you in Wainuiomata with Richard or, the 'Nui' as he calls it. It couldn't be worse.

LAZARUS: That sounds like a plan. See you there.

That wraps it up folks. I've had my two glasses of wine and now am about to cook my dinner - shrimp stir fry with noodles - Singaporean style. Selamat jalan!