HUMBERT CALLING

Ring Ring Ring

THE CURMUDGEON:  Hello.

HUMBERT:  Curmudgeon?

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, speaking.

HUMBERT:  Why didn't you return my calls?

THE CURMUDGEON: Hey, who the hell....... is that you Humbert?

HUMBERT:  Yes it's Humbert. Why didn't you return my calls?

THE CURMUDGEON: Well, for one you didn't leave a message and second (not the god-botherer - he's named Geramy now.........

HUMBERT:  Geramy? With an 'A'?

THE CURMUDGEON: Yeah, don't ask and don't interrupt. I was saying that secondly I can't afford to make calls to USA. I'm nearly unemployed and soon to be an OAP.

HUMBERT:  OAP? What the fucks that?

THE CURMUDGEON: Old Age Pensioner.

HUMBERT:  Oh, OK. We're all getting old which leads me to what I wanted to talk to you about ....

THE CURMUDGEON: Uh oh. Not that old schoolteacher again ....

HUMBERT:  Now you're interrupting but yes it's that joker Richard (of RBB)

THE CURMUDGEON: Shit! He hasn't...?

HUMBERT:  Well whatever you're thinking off he's done worse.

THE CURMUDGEON: You mean ....?

HUMBERT:  Yes. I'm afraid that I'll have to come over again for a little visit.

THE CURMUDGEON: And Trixie?

HUMBERT:  Now don't get all prurient and salacious now Curmudgeon and no, you can't come over here to look after Trixie while I'm gone. She can look after herself. Anyway I've got a combination lock on the wine cellar.

THE CURMUDGEON: Bummer.

HUMBERT:  Hey I don't want to know about your sexual proclivities, I've got enough on my plate with Richard.

THE CURMUDGEON: He hasn't?

HUMBERT:  Look, I don't want to speculate here. I'll just have to check things out and let you know.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK. Here's a hint. He only drinks Chardonnay now so if you want to fuck him up bring a red wine.

HUMBERT:  Ha ha. I like it. Hey, I'll put a red wine in a brown paper bag and tell him it's Chardonnay - how about that?

THE CURMUDGEON: But he'll notice the colour when its poured in the glass.

HUMBERT:  Yeah, I suppose. Unless I get him pissed first.

THE CURMUDGEON: I'd pour it into a cup.

HUMBERT:  Bingo. That was worthy of The Wine Guy.

THE CURMUDGEON: Thanks, I'll let him know

HUMBERT:  Right. Got to go. I'll call you when I arrive in Wellington - that's if you'll answer your bloody phone.

THE CURMUDGEON: Now don't be sarcastic. Save your caustic wit for your meeting with the old guy. Bye.