HAVING A LAUGH

 

I DO A LOT OF LAUGHING I DO

LIKE PEAS IN A POD

Is it just me or do these three grumpy looking jokers look alike?

"There was a lady walking down the pavement and as we passed 

she stopped and she said: 'I know you, don't I?' ... 

I said: 'My name's Muldoon.'. She said: 'You're not related to that bastard in Parliament, are you?'. 

And on that salutary note Mr Speaker, I say goodbye".

"I came here [Parliament] to help people, not to hurt people,
 and I find that it has not been possible for me this year
to stop very many people from being hurt".

"They won’t put up a statue to me. No, no, no. 

Nobody’s got that sense of humour".

 

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

 

RIGHT WING RELIGIOUS NUTTERY

"JUST ME AND MY UKELELE/BANGO"

 Many years ago (remember that he's very old) Richard of Richard's Bass Bag* got thrown out of the Taumarunui Cosmopolitan Club and his membership cancelled. It's hard to believe isn't it ....... not that he got thrown out but the fact that they ever let him in in the fist place. Go figure.

Richard will be visiting Himatangi again tomorrow and in his (mostly unread) latest post on his blog laments that there is nowhere to go or things to do in Himatangi. I guess that he's unaware that there is a perfectly good Cosmopolitan Club in Himatangi.

HIMATANGI COSI CLUB

Click on the link above and you'll be able to see Don Hewitt playing his ukulele/banjo although they call it his ukelele/bango. Richard will be right at home there but ...... hold on, hold on ...... Richard might not be able to get entrance to the club due to his past history, whether he goes in wearing a dress or not.

There's every chance that the Himatangi Cosi Club still has his wanted poster on the notice board - after all, not much new stuff happens in Himatangi. If that's the case Richard will have to go to Palmerston North and entertain himself playing 'Dutch ovens' under the blankets.

* Never heard of it? Never mind not many people have.

WATCHING THE DETECTIVES

WATCHING THE DETECTIVES - ELVIS COSTELLO

I enjoy watching TV series on the various channels we access - Disney, Neon, Netflix, Prime etc. and particularly like the detective series and crime and thriller ones. Occasionally there's a good war-themed one or even a western series. I particularly like the ones that are based on a book series I've read like Bosch, Reacher, Big Sky, The Lincoln Lawyer etc. These can be variable however and a lot depends on the fidelity of keeping to the characters and story-lines of the originals. Sadly this isn't often the case.

Some time ago I read a biography of John Le Carrė and in this, David Cornwell (Le Carrė) recounted how difficult it is in signing away TV and film rights to books and how, once done it can be frustrating to see your own creation shredded. In Le Carrė's works some were totally ruined, some were changed almost beyond recognition and yet some were adapted into outstanding films and series. The worst was the dire film version of The Little Drummer Girl (thankfully reinstated with an excellent British TV series years later). One that was substantially changed was The Constant Gardener but fortunately it was well directed into a good film. The best were the film version The Spy Who Came in from The Cold and the TV series: Tinker Taylor, Soldier, Spy; Smiley's People; The Night Manager; and A Perfect Spy. In the best the characters were faithfully portrayed, the plot and dialogue left mostly unchanged and the settings reasonably true to the books. In the worst the plot was largely ignored, characters changed totally or selected to bear no resemblance to the originals and  the dialogue rewritten. I wonder why they even bothered.

In some series based on characters and plots created by Lee Child, Michel Connelly, Robert Harris, Charles Dickens and others the characterisation and plots are excellent but, all too often the producers and director, for reasons known only to themselves completely bugger around with everything virtually leaving only the title intact. A good example of this is Big Sky which I've been watching after reading the book series by C J Box that it comes from. There was very little attempt to match the characters descriptions with the actors used and the story lines were totally rehashed with some of the lead characters adopting different roles from the books. I think it must be the case that the film producers decide to make a film or a series to cash in on the popularity of a particular best-selling book or author and buy the rights for just that. When it comes to making the film they just do whatever the hell they want. Disgruntled authors have recounted how producers and directors often don't even bother to read the book that their production is based on.

Anyway (not 'so') I thought that I'd put forward a few tips as a guide to how films and TV series can be made.

Production

Buy the rights to a book and if making a film or series from it, employ a screenwriter - preferably a close friend, lover or family member - to write whatever they and you want regardless of whether it relates to the book or not.  If you can't be arsed to make a film or series, keep the rights close so that no-one else can make a film or series on it.

Screenwriting

Dig out that draft you wrote when at university or at screenwriter school, the one that no-one ever picked up, dust it off and apply it to the book that your uncles's production company is making a film or series on. Don't worry that it involves aliens from outer space being sheriffs in a Western or vampires being nuns in a convent. The book's title will carry the day.

Direction

First of all make sure to alienate the cast, the crew and all important people in the production. It is, after all, all about you. Get drunk or doped up, throw tantrums and sleep with as many young stars of either sex because they need to gain screen creds and will put up with it. Tear up the script whenever you feel the need and tell everyone that you have a better understanding of the original than the author.

Casting direction

Pay no attention to the character descriptions in the book. Just hire sexy young and attractive people for all of the parts whether it fits the script or not. Hire at least one well-known named actor to play the part, improbably of someone much younger. If it's an American war film then, in the tradition of The Longest Day, have very old actors playing the parts of very young soldiers, sailors and pilots. No one will give a shit. Make sure that the young ones hired have good bodies so that they look good with their kits off regardless of whether it's a Sound of Music-type musical or a film of the Holocaust.

Actors

Have sex with your agent, the producers, the director, the casting director and the other leading actors to ensure that they know who you are and give you the part, some decent lines to say and film you on your good side.

Lighting direction

Ensure in any vital scene involving the lead actors going into buildings, cellars or caves that there is absolutely minimal lighting regardless of the fact that there are obvious light fittings and switches in the rooms. Don't let the actors turn any lights on - they must make do with the low wattage desk lamps or preferably candles. If a torch is to be supplied make sure that the batteries will fail just as the killer approaches.

Dialogue coach

Train the actors to forget all that they learned in elocution lessons and at drama school and instead get them to mumble and grunt a lot. If necessary make them fill their mouths with cotton wool, peanut butter or old socks. For examples see anything that Marlon Brando, Robert Mitchum or Tom Hardy have done.

Music direction

Inappropriateness is the key here. Make sure to show how clever you are by choosing esoteric music that viewers will wonder where it came from. Make sure that the music is loud and intrusive when actors are speaking just in case the actors mumbling becomes comprehensible.

Action direction

Make sure that the slimmest and smallest but good looking female manages somehow to punch or kick the biggest male actors into submission. Get them to say funny lines as the kill or incapacitate him. When the bad guy has been shot, hit or stabbed make sure that the good guy actors immediately turn their back on him so that he can either disappear or come at them again with the gun that they left just beside him.

 .............. Well they are just a few tips but I have a lot more. You can request these as a follow up post in the comment section below.

Yeah, I know that this cartoon isn't exactly 'on point' but it is funny.

BECOMING A TRADIE

 TRADIE

After a few days of wild weather and diluvial rain, today turned out fine like a Summer's day. It was warm and sunny with blue skies. Magic! Which was just as well as my sister and her tribe are up here working on the additional build project for their holiday house.

The tribe consists of my sister, her husband, her three daughters and their husbands and partners and, for good measure two builders. 10 in total plus two dogs and three children.

The additional build is putting up  a separate building to be connected by a covered courtyard to the existing two story house they built back in about 1999. It was through visiting and staying in this when we lived in Christchurch that we discovered Whangarei Heads which later led to us buying and living here in 2009.

Today it was putting on the roof time. The concrete work is all done on this two story long extension and the framework for the walls is all in place. Today we had to build internal framework for walls, windows etc and attach wooden beams to the steel girders that will support the roof and then to lay out the struts to support the roofing material.

The more observant reader will have noticed that I used the word 'we' there. Yes, yours truly turned up for duty before 9AM and donned 'tradie' gear to assist thus making it 11 adults plus two dogs and three children. 

Essential 'tradie' headwear no matter what the weather.

I did my bit for a few hours, forgetting that I'm nearly 70 and clambered up scaffolding, walked across narrow planks, held up beams, screwed in bolts and fired off nail guns. All good but to be honest, after that I was knackered. I called it quits at midday mostly because, with 11 people all on the same site, after the major bits were done it was more a matter of scrabbling around to find things to do. I told my sister that there were too many bodies and I buggered off.

At home, after lunch of bagels, cream cheese and smoked salmon (typical Northland 'tradie' lunch) I had a kip and slept for a couple of hours.

Next week I must check out buying a 'tradie' wagon to go with my hat.

THAT'S A TRADIE

.

....I KINDA LIKE THE MUSIC

 

"Say the ladies are insane there.."

It still seems that things are on the go for The Old Girl to move to London for the next two years starting from the end of August.

While this will be a big change, we are used to it with her having done a two year stint in Toronto, almost a year in York and a year in Wellington. Time passes pretty quickly. With the Toronto trip I went over with her for the first year and then for the second year made some trips there and she made some trips back home. In York I went with her and we both stayed put. In Wellington I spent two weeks of each month there and 2 weeks at home for the year. This time, in London I will travel and spend a month and a half there, two months back home and then back to UK for a month and a half. I plan this to be 3 to 4 trips a year for the two years. Telecommunications are so good nowadays, and free so we talk each day on FaceTime, the audio visual channel.

In Toronto I wasn't working in the wine industry but did charity work for the Canada Heart Foundation. In York I was working 20 hours a week for a NZ wine company. Working part-time like that is never really part-time as I spent a lot more unpaid hours looking after the business. I won't do that again. It meant that the opportunity to explore the UK and to take other trips was limited. With Wellington my time was my own as I'm retired. This will be the case with London and UK this time.

I was asked the other day if I will contact any wine companies and offer to represent them and their brands while in the UK. I certainly have the contacts, the knowledge and ability but ..... I lack the will.

This time, if the trip goes ahead (depending on Covid, and the Russia/Nato situation at the end of August) I will be travelling as a free agent and, in my 6 week stays will be able to visit and explore many of the places in Uk and further afield that I haven't been to. The Old Girl, when having breaks and holidays, and I will also do some travelling - like to Spain. I've never been to Spain .... see: HERE

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

 

"I REALLY DON'T LIKE GOD"

DEVIL BUS

 

Have a look at the video in this NZ Herald article.

DEVIL'S BUS

A burning, driverless bus turned away from a home minutes before the fire spread, saying the experience was "paranormal". The bus owner was concerned that the gas cylinder aboard the bus would ignite, leading to an explosion that would threaten his neighbour's home and other properties.

"The next minute the lights turned on and just at the moment the hedge was going up, that was when the bus decided to drive off," 

The bus then veered across the road and came to rest against a neighbour's tennis court, one of the few spots on the road where it would not have threatened a house.

Meek said as they watched the fire, the bus's owner was telling him about the great days he had enjoyed with his wife on board the bus and recalled him saying "she would be on the bus".
That's when Meek said he learned that the man's wife had died three years ago, aboard the very same bus.

Perhaps Robert can provide an insight from the Catholic Church.

AM I AN UNCARING BASTARD?

 As you know, I'm a caring person and very rarely let vitriol enter into my behaviour and opinions.  "Chacun à son goût" I say.

Every now and then some things crop up that 'get my goat' and I wake up and have to take umbrage.

Today's this week's this rare rant is to do with drugs. Illegal drugs.

I read this on News Hub:

THERE ISN'T ENOUGH LIFE SAVING ANTI-OVERDOSE MEDICATION

This contained this warning: 

Warning there isn't enough lifesaving anti-overdose medication in New Zealand after another fentanyl hospitalisation.
The Drug Foundation says there still isn't enough lifesaving anti-overdose medication available in New Zealand. Credits: 
Another person has been hospitalised after overdosing on the deadly drug fentanyl.
It comes nearly a week after a dozen people overdosed in the Wairarapa and the Drug Foundation says they're all lucky to be alive.
The foundation claims there still isn't enough lifesaving antidote medication available in New Zealand for a spike in Fentanyl overdoses, but the Ministry of Health says there are no current supply issues.

OK, call me an uncaring bastard but frankly I don't give a shit, if some idiots who buy illegal drugs from very shifty people that are either accidentally contaminated or deliberately spiked with addictive shit like fentanyl, end up sick or dead from it. They choose to buy this crap from illegal sources so what the fuck do they expect?

Why should the health system be expected to divert valuable and necessary resources, in the middle of a pandemic to fools?

The report went on to say"

People are buying white powder for a good time but getting the opposite.
Thirteen people have been hospitalised for overdosing on fentanyl - the latest just on Friday.
Fentanyl is 50 times more lethal than heroin and has killed over 60,000 Americans. But so far - no one here.
"We are very lucky that that person has survived, in fact, all 13 cases have been very lucky to survive the overdose," said Drug Foundation executive director Sarah Helm.
Lucky - because they've been treated with an antidote called 'naloxone'.
"There's almost none of it in the country," Helm said. "Two of the barriers are around Medsafe and Pharmac with the naloxone access."

I'm getting pissed off with these bleeding-heart drug foundation people suggesting that it's the public's responsibility to supply expensive antidotes to idiots who are recreational users.

I do think differently if it is people with medical or psychiatric problems who get hold of opioids and overdose but I have no sympathy for those who overdose after "buying white powder for a good time".

The health system is charged with providing health care and medication to the public in need not to idiots who chose to abuse themselves and the system.

I'm sorry if his is offensive but it's the way I feel. I'm not going to go to a whinging recreational drug user who has got sick and say "That's alright - I love you." I'll leave that to Robert and the Christians.