WATCHING THE DETECTIVES

WATCHING THE DETECTIVES - ELVIS COSTELLO

I enjoy watching TV series on the various channels we access - Disney, Neon, Netflix, Prime etc. and particularly like the detective series and crime and thriller ones. Occasionally there's a good war-themed one or even a western series. I particularly like the ones that are based on a book series I've read like Bosch, Reacher, Big Sky, The Lincoln Lawyer etc. These can be variable however and a lot depends on the fidelity of keeping to the characters and story-lines of the originals. Sadly this isn't often the case.

Some time ago I read a biography of John Le Carrė and in this, David Cornwell (Le Carrė) recounted how difficult it is in signing away TV and film rights to books and how, once done it can be frustrating to see your own creation shredded. In Le Carrė's works some were totally ruined, some were changed almost beyond recognition and yet some were adapted into outstanding films and series. The worst was the dire film version of The Little Drummer Girl (thankfully reinstated with an excellent British TV series years later). One that was substantially changed was The Constant Gardener but fortunately it was well directed into a good film. The best were the film version The Spy Who Came in from The Cold and the TV series: Tinker Taylor, Soldier, Spy; Smiley's People; The Night Manager; and A Perfect Spy. In the best the characters were faithfully portrayed, the plot and dialogue left mostly unchanged and the settings reasonably true to the books. In the worst the plot was largely ignored, characters changed totally or selected to bear no resemblance to the originals and  the dialogue rewritten. I wonder why they even bothered.

In some series based on characters and plots created by Lee Child, Michel Connelly, Robert Harris, Charles Dickens and others the characterisation and plots are excellent but, all too often the producers and director, for reasons known only to themselves completely bugger around with everything virtually leaving only the title intact. A good example of this is Big Sky which I've been watching after reading the book series by C J Box that it comes from. There was very little attempt to match the characters descriptions with the actors used and the story lines were totally rehashed with some of the lead characters adopting different roles from the books. I think it must be the case that the film producers decide to make a film or a series to cash in on the popularity of a particular best-selling book or author and buy the rights for just that. When it comes to making the film they just do whatever the hell they want. Disgruntled authors have recounted how producers and directors often don't even bother to read the book that their production is based on.

Anyway (not 'so') I thought that I'd put forward a few tips as a guide to how films and TV series can be made.

Production

Buy the rights to a book and if making a film or series from it, employ a screenwriter - preferably a close friend, lover or family member - to write whatever they and you want regardless of whether it relates to the book or not.  If you can't be arsed to make a film or series, keep the rights close so that no-one else can make a film or series on it.

Screenwriting

Dig out that draft you wrote when at university or at screenwriter school, the one that no-one ever picked up, dust it off and apply it to the book that your uncles's production company is making a film or series on. Don't worry that it involves aliens from outer space being sheriffs in a Western or vampires being nuns in a convent. The book's title will carry the day.

Direction

First of all make sure to alienate the cast, the crew and all important people in the production. It is, after all, all about you. Get drunk or doped up, throw tantrums and sleep with as many young stars of either sex because they need to gain screen creds and will put up with it. Tear up the script whenever you feel the need and tell everyone that you have a better understanding of the original than the author.

Casting direction

Pay no attention to the character descriptions in the book. Just hire sexy young and attractive people for all of the parts whether it fits the script or not. Hire at least one well-known named actor to play the part, improbably of someone much younger. If it's an American war film then, in the tradition of The Longest Day, have very old actors playing the parts of very young soldiers, sailors and pilots. No one will give a shit. Make sure that the young ones hired have good bodies so that they look good with their kits off regardless of whether it's a Sound of Music-type musical or a film of the Holocaust.

Actors

Have sex with your agent, the producers, the director, the casting director and the other leading actors to ensure that they know who you are and give you the part, some decent lines to say and film you on your good side.

Lighting direction

Ensure in any vital scene involving the lead actors going into buildings, cellars or caves that there is absolutely minimal lighting regardless of the fact that there are obvious light fittings and switches in the rooms. Don't let the actors turn any lights on - they must make do with the low wattage desk lamps or preferably candles. If a torch is to be supplied make sure that the batteries will fail just as the killer approaches.

Dialogue coach

Train the actors to forget all that they learned in elocution lessons and at drama school and instead get them to mumble and grunt a lot. If necessary make them fill their mouths with cotton wool, peanut butter or old socks. For examples see anything that Marlon Brando, Robert Mitchum or Tom Hardy have done.

Music direction

Inappropriateness is the key here. Make sure to show how clever you are by choosing esoteric music that viewers will wonder where it came from. Make sure that the music is loud and intrusive when actors are speaking just in case the actors mumbling becomes comprehensible.

Action direction

Make sure that the slimmest and smallest but good looking female manages somehow to punch or kick the biggest male actors into submission. Get them to say funny lines as the kill or incapacitate him. When the bad guy has been shot, hit or stabbed make sure that the good guy actors immediately turn their back on him so that he can either disappear or come at them again with the gun that they left just beside him.

 .............. Well they are just a few tips but I have a lot more. You can request these as a follow up post in the comment section below.

Yeah, I know that this cartoon isn't exactly 'on point' but it is funny.