THE OLD TEAM

Whangarei airport- Monday afternoon.

The Curmudgeon meets Reacher and Humbert, Gardener, John Gardener's cousins.

CURMUDGEON: Welcome guys, thanks for coming so quickly.

REACHER : No worries.

 HUMBERT: No problem TC. We came as soon as you called. We love our cousin Gardener -- well, when I say 'love' I don't mean any funny stuff we ...

REACHER: He means that we cousins stick together. We're never off duty.

HUMBERT: Never forgive, never forget.

REACHER: Do it once and do it right.

HUMBERT: You reap what you sow

REACHER: Protect and serve

HUMBERT: Plans go to hell as soon as the first shot is fired

REACHER: Never off duty.

CURMUDGEON: Guys, guys, OK I get the picture we've ....

REACHER: I’m a man with a rule. People leave me alone, I leave them alone. If they don’t, I don’t.

CURMUDGEON: Wow, that's a long sentence for you Reacher ...

HUMBERT: I’m not afraid of death. Death’s afraid of me.

CURMUDGEON: Yeah well, let's not get carried away here. We have to go to the hospital to see Gardener. The car's right here.

REACHER: That's a car?

CURMUDGEON: I know you're used to Humvees Reacher but no need to be rude. This an IST. A Toyota IST.

HUMBERT: Pay no attention to him TC. He gets that way sometimes because he's a lousy driver.

REACHER: Hey Humbert fuck you, and fuck that Trixie the waitress friend of yours.

HUMBERT: Well at least I do. She wouldn't go near you. You look like you fell out of the ugly tree and ....

REACHER: ...and hit every branch. Ha ha Yeah I know. I made that line up. We're cool TC let's go.

The Curmudgeon, Reacher and Humbert packed themselves in to the small white hatchback and set off on the 15 minute drive to the hospital.

HUMBERT: So tell us what happened TC.

CURMUDGEON: Well Gardener's been helping me with my weeding since I damaged my knee (shows Humbert and Reacher his knee and ankle by lifting up his leg and waving it about. As he was driving at the time this caused the car to swerve and drive a pregnant barmaid and an old lady off the road and into a ditch)

CURMUDGEON:  Sorreeeeeee... well Gardener said that he'd been getting hassled by some weedy time traveller guy who was in the employ of Richard of Richard's Bass Bag and ....

HUMBERT: Not that old schoolteacher guy?

CURMUDGEON: Yes, that's the guy. He's retired now and seems to have a lot of time on his hands so he's created a confederation of nutty bloggers which ....

REACHER: A confederacy?

CURMUDGEON: Yes, confederation - confederacy - same thing.

REACHER: The confederacy came to a bad end - that's for damn sure.

CURMUDGEON: Yes, well, to get back on point (he glares at Humbert and Reacher) Gardener sorted out the little time-travelling runt in the time-honoured tradition - an elbow to the throat, a roundhouse kick to the knee and a follow up boot in the balls. Classic.

REACHER: Sounds about right.

HUMBERT: Yeah but I'd have followed up with opening and pouring a bottle of cleanskin chardonnay down the fucker's throat. I'd have ...

CURMUDGEON:  (glaring at Humbert) Stay on point Humbert and listen. This little bastard, the time-traveller went squealing to the old ex-schoolteacher guy - the one that you helped out on a couple of occasions Humbert - and this joker got a couple of his cronies to ambush Gardener.

REACHER: Bastard. I don't get how they got the drop on Gardener though. That's unusual. He's normally hoping for the best but planning for the worst ...

CURMUDGEON: (thinking) Fuck me, more bloody cliches.

HUMBERT: So, what happened?

CURMUDGEON: From what I can gather this anachronistic bastard named Baxter came ...

HUMBERT: Baxter?

CURMUDGEON: Yes, Baxter. He.....

HUMBERT: Baxter's some sort of bloody medicine isn't it? 

REACHER: For piles ...(ahem).. so I've heard somewhere.

CURMUDGEON: Look I don't know about that, all I know is that this Baxter bastard sneaked up on Gardiner while he was up a ladder and ..

REACHER: Sneaked?

CURMUDGEON: Yes, he sneaked up ...

HUMBERT: While Gardener was up a ladder?

CURMUDGEON: Yes, while he was up a ladder Baxter sneaked up and tipped the ladder over and Gardener fell down and hit his head.

REACHER and HUMBERT: Bastard!

REACHER: There's three situations you don't attack a guy - when he's in the toilet; when he's shagging; and when he's up a ladder. What a cunt!

HUMBERT: What's this Baxter guy like? Can we find him?

CURMUDGEON: All I know is that he's pretty old. He comes from somewhere where Jesus lived and he rides a horse. He carries a sword and lived back when Christ was a cowboy.

REACHER: So, low-tech eh. Sword. Horse. Should be easy to find.

CURMUDGEON: Yes. He is 'old school' I don't think his horse has horse shoes.

REACHER AND HUMBERT: Ha ha.

REACHER: I haven't heard that saying before TC.

CURMUDGEON: No that's not another cliche or saying. His horse really doesn't have horseshoes.

HUMBERT: (thinking) OK, understood. We should be able to follow his trail easily then. Is he a big guy or a little guy?

REACHER: I don’t care about the little guy. I just hate the big guy. I hate big smug people who think they can get away with things.

CURMUDGEON: (thinking) Bloody hell, here we go again.

HUMBERT: Right TC. We'll sort this biblical throwback. But right now I'm hungry. Is there a place that has a nice Nicoise salad starter, some Dauphinoise potatoes and lightly grilled lamb rack, washed down with a nice Cote D'Or Burgundy?

REACHER: A steak and lots of coffee. Black coffee for me.

CURMUDGEON: Here we are at the hospital. I'm sure that there's a cafe there.

(to be continued)