YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT

 Graphs and statistical analysis I mean. It makes a change from all that religious stuff that Robert the cleaner in progress bangs out and that boring double bass stuff that Richard, when he's actually on duty and posting, drones out.

I looked at the blog stats this afternoon - well, it has been raining - and have some exciting news to share.

Below are the total number of blog posts by The Curmudgeon and the readership by country. The first is the last month period. The second is the last 12 months. The third is 'all time' from 2009.

The more mathematicaphile readers will immediately notice the rapid rise of readership from the USA moving to #2 position overall and #1 over the last 12 months and the last month. 

The volume of USA readership has very rapidly increased as well with the 14 year total being 107,000 views but the last 12 months is 38,000 views and the last month 22,000. 

Extrapolating (a mathematical term there) this, then, based on the last 12 months over 14 years the rate of viewing in USA is 532,000.

Using the last month's figures in the same way the rate of viewing is a whopping 3.7 million! I'm expecting a call from Google anytime now.

What does this mean?

I don't know - I was hoping that you might be able to tell me.

Intrigued, I had a look at which countries are following the leading Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ blogs. All figures are for 'all time' but of course these individual blogs have not been running for as long as The Curmudgeon blog. Still, it does show significant comparisons with the USA being the biggest follower.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

I'm surprised that Italy, being home to The Vatican and Il Papa doesn't feature anywhere other than in, well, 'Other'. I would have thought that old Frank and his entourage would be interested in what the Religious Curmudgeon is saying. Sadly no, it's the bible-belt bashers in USA that hang on every word apparently. The Singapore stats are odd and I can only think that this is maybe due to Robert's Church having Singaporean priests. Maybe he could enlighten me.

THE MUSIC CURMUDGEON

Singapore features in The Music Curmudgeon's readership as well.

Ukraine and Sweden also and I put that down to the obvious fact that Ukrainian and Swedish women love The Music Curmudgeon as evidenced by the marriage proposals I receive from them on a regular basis.

THE FOOD CURMUDGEON

Indonesia features quite highly in the following of The Food Curmudgeon which is strange as, while I do like Indonesian dishes like satay and nasi goreng, I very rarely write about them.

THE CURMUDGEON'S AGONY AUNT

Ukraine features highly again with The Curmudgeon's Agony Aunt and I think that this confirms that Ukrainian women think of The Curmudgeon as a babe magnet. Don't take my word for it. Here's what some random guy said:

THE WINE GUY

It's interesting that Russia is #2 in following The Wine Guy. I know that Russia is a massive wine consuming country but I don't think I have ever written of Russian wine. I must have written of the difficulty I experienced in trying to export wine to Russia at some stage but not enough posts to merit 18,000 views. I can only put it down to the 'chick magnet' effect.

Did you find that as interesting as I did?

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

 

EXTRA VIRGIN

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID"

 

Men who live with women know that, from time to time, their partner makes them feel guilty.

Whether from forgetfulness or obtuseness, most men haven't a clue what they should be feeling guilty for and sometimes they are totally innocent.

Do women when they are young, get taught this ability from the matriarch? I can picture several generations of women instructing the young girls about the foibles of the male of the species and how best to exploit them.

The other day The Old Girl berated me for some misdeed that for the life of me I couldn't recall doing.

As it turned out, after a while the thing I was supposed to have done was shown not to have been done by me.

"Are you going to say sorry" I asked.

"No" she replied "that can account for the next time you do something that I don't know about".

Well, how do you deal with that?

NEW POST - THE MUSIC CURMUDGEON

 

SUMMERTIME

SUMMER MEALS

Boxing Day dinner was the same as Christmas Day dinner as we had the second half of the spinach and salmon flan and made a similar salad to go with it.

 Tonight we had lemon meringue pies as dessert - well half of one each.

I love summer for salads. Some of the salad ingredients came from our garden and the lemons came from a neighbour's tree. Tomorrow will be more rocket based salad with sautéed sliced chicken tenderloins (and the remainder of the lemon meringue pies). Yummy.

THE SUNDAY CONUNDRUM (NOT A HARD ONE) RESULTS

Here are the answers to The Sunday Conundrum.

Conundrum number 1.

What can't be used until it is broken?

ANSWER: An egg

Conundrum number 2.

What has six faces and twenty one eyes?

ANSWER: A dice

Conundrum number 3.

What's always running but never gets hot?

ANSWER: A refrigerator

Conundrum number 4.

What disappears the moment you say it's name?

ANSWER: Silence

Conundrum number 5.

What's green and white and lies facing North?

ANSWER: The Berocca tube in my study*

* Used as a control question in case of a tie or if contestants cheated.

Contestant  1722 16181523195 was the closest with two out of the five questions answered correctly which means that 'they' are the winner.

Here is the prize contestant  1722 16181523195:

ROBERT SOLVES PHILOSOPHY

Robert, in a recent post said:

It is almost impossible to offer adequate proof to someone who has invested years into a belief. Only a life changing (or threatening) event may work. Even seeing ghosts or the Virgin Mary herself may not change the minds of these die hards. Often the commitment to the natural world is just too great as in the wealthy young man in the Gospel.
Ironically the very reasoning they use, or lack of it, is their undoing.
The Naturalist can not account for reasoning and rational thought. Their world is a result of probabilities and chance events, stimulus and response, survival or extinction. To admit reason, is to admit an outside source and admit supernaturalism!

I recalled what he said when  read the latest Corey Mohler cartoon:

NEW POST - THE CURMUDGEON'S AGONY AUNT

 

"DO WHAT YOU FEEL, FEEL UNTIL THE END"

UNICUM ZWACK

 

Zwack is made from a secret blend of over 40 different herbs and spices. Some of the herbs and spices are distilled, some are macerated, then blended together and aged in oak casks at the factory in Budapest for over 6 months, giving Zwack liqueur a dark, amber color. It is widely known as the National Shot of Hungary , and is produced by Unicum Zwack, plc, in Budapest, Hungary, and now imported into the US by Diageo plc. Zwack is best served ice-cold, straight up, as a shot. It is also great as a cocktail known as the "Mad Hungarian? (an ice-cold Zwack shot dropped into a high-energy drink).

OK?

Maybe you're wondering why I posted that.

Well, it's Christmas morning and as we don't celebrate Christmas much around here anymore, things are a bit slow. There's no bedlam from kids, animals and guests. The house is clean and tidy and completely free of ripped wrapping paper. We didn't bother to prepare a Christmas breakfast as we've done in the past - corn fritters, bacon, toast etc. - and I haven't been playing a medley of Christmas music - Orff, Enigma, Pachelbel, Albinoni and others including my favourite The Little Drummer Boy.

For some reason 'Unicum Zwack' popped into my head. It's always intrigued me as a brand name, being one of those dark 'digestif' liqueurs like Jagermeister and Fernet Branca favoured by Europeans. Disgusting stuff all. It's an example of how popular brand names in one country (Unicum Zwack is Hungarian) don't necessarily cross over to other languages and cultures although Jagermeister is  an inexplicable exception having been popularised by association with Heavy Metal bands - I guess the Germanic and storm trooper - like name appeals to wanna be brown shirts and white supremacists.

I've now been thinking of other examples of branding that is a bit naff when attempts are made to put them across other languages and cultures.

No doubt you've heard of the Mitsubishi cock-up when they introduced Mitsubishi Pajero to Spanish speaking countries (Spain, North America and Latin America). The Pajero - a SUV turned out to be very aptly named as 'pajero' in Spanish means 'wanker'. When they realised their mistake Mitsubishi quickly rebranded it in those countries to Montero. 

Here, from Planet Languages are  a few more examples of other well-known brands getting it wrong:

Mercedes Benz also got off on the wrong foot when entering the Chinese market. Their brand name was translated as “Bensi”, or in Chinese: “Rush to die”. Not an ideal name for a car manufacturer who needs to reassure customers that their safety is paramount!

KFC was yet another victim to the pitfalls of breaking the Chinese market: their famous slogan “Finger-lickin’ good” was somewhat literally translated to “Eat your fingers off”. Luckily, it didn’t hurt them too much as they are the top fast-food chain in China today.

Coca-Cola also rivalled Pepsi’s mishap with their bizarrely wonderful translated brand name “Bite the wax tadpole” in China. 

 Braniff Airlines are no longer flying, but they will be fondly remembered for their 1987 ad campaign “Fly in leather”, which was translated into Spanish as “Vuela en cuero”. This worked fine in most of Latin America, but in Mexico it caused a bit of a stir as the connotation was “Fly naked”.

Barf – a detergent made in Iran. In its country of origin, it has a lovely clean meaning: “snow”.

 Siri – Apple’s virtual assistant has a fairly innocuous name in most countries, except Georgia where it is a rather rude word for male genitalia.

Fart Bar – a candy bar from Poland, where its name means “lucky bar”. 

Pee Cola – a refreshing soda bottled in Ghana, where it translates as “very good cola”. 

As it is Christmas I thought that I'd look at some of Robert's favourite mythical and idealised beings and people to see how they've fared in the crossover.

God seems OK - not unique given that there are so many of them but the simple name of God hasn't been buggered about with much. There are of course other names that have varied in popularity but Robert never uses these. He just says "God - the one and only etc." This is kind of like saying "Coca Cola original" or "X - formerly known as Twitter" Or "Richard's Bass Bag - the original bass bagging site" You know, all nonsense.

The Virgin Mary is a bit suspect as its an example of idealising a possibly real person and attributing traits and values to them that are patently not true. Sure Mary was at some time a virgin but the idea of 'virgin birth' is just silly unless it was an early form of IVF.

Jesus Christ is the most used name for Jesus and, no surprises here, is incorrect in both names. Jesus was likely named Joshua or similar and didn't have a surname as such. He was historically referred to as Joshua the wanderer, Jeshua the carpenter or Stop thief! or Hey you! depending on the your place in the political spectrum. 'Christ' derives from the Greek 'christos' meaning anointed.

The one of Robert's mythical figures he worships that gives problems is The Holy Spirit or The Holy Ghost. To Western people this ghost thing conjures up images of Caspar or Spooky on the one hand or sinister malevolent spirits on the other. When it was invented at the Nicaea Council in 329 (and subsequently 'entered' into all previous religious literature including the Bible) it was described as 'The Holy Spirit - the Lord, the Giver of Life' which is now contained in the Nicene Creed.

As 'the Giver of Life', and if you, like me believe that Mary was impregnated via an early form of In vitro fertilisation (IVF), then The Holy Spirit is like some sort of sperm bank which explains many of the images of it depicted as some sort of cosmic orgasm or something firing off particles like an onanist in a porno cinema.

I hope that gives you some food for thought and remember: Have a very merry Christmas.

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

 Just in time for Christmas The Religious Curmudgeon has published a new post.

JESUS DELIBERATELY DROWNS FARMERS' LIVESTOCK

NEW POST - THE FOOD CURMUDGEON

 

GNOCCHI

THE SUNDAY CONUNDRUM (NOT A HARD ONE).

 Here's an early peek at tomorrow's conundrum because Robert will be busy attending activities of Mass instruction and Richard will be taking his guest Antonio on his famous Richard's Bass Bag tours. I wonder if Richard told Antonio about The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ Tours?

The inaugural Sunday Conundrum posted last week had a mixed result. One entrant admitted failure and the other, who kind of solved it still hasn't forwarded his GOOGLE search history for the adjudicators to inspect. Well done the blogger who admitted defeat. If there is a Heaven then there will be a place for you reserved. You can quote this reference number for your seat on entry: #117,000,000,0027.

This week, due to the (at best) 50% success rate I've decided to make the conundrum simpler and give you 5 chances. The entrant with the most answers correct will be the winner.

Good luck:

Conundrum number 1.

What can't be used until it is broken?

Conundrum number 2.

What has six faces and twenty one eyes?

Conundrum number 3.

What's always running but never gets hot?

Conundrum number 4.

What disappears the moment you say it's name?

Conundrum number 5.

What's green and white and lies facing North?

These are easy riddles and will pose no problems for readers. They will be easy to solve and of course the answers can be searched on the internet but remember - you are on your honour. See in this Ivor Cutler story:

 The winner may receive further Ivor Cutler stories that will stimulate your memory particularly if you were brought up in a Scottish household.

Enjoy!

DEDICATION

 

No, not those guys. I listened to them at school dances back in the sixth form (6P).

I'm talking about blogging dedication here - or, the lack of it.

Since Robert gave up drinking alcohol two months ago his blog posts have slipped in quality .... fallen off in frequency ... become lacking in wit and humour .... no, that's a poor example. Let's start again. Since Richard has had an overseas visitor who has come, like the Magi, to visit at Christmas his blog posting frequency has tumbled and he hasn't posted in, well, days. 

This isn't good enough.

Isn't he aware that the Blogger 2023 awards will be announced soon? He'd better shape up fast or risk getting shipped out.

It's nearly Christmas and these two bloggers should know that this is the peak time for blogging in this community with a rich selection of post topics particularly those to do with religion, food, mythical beliefs (sorry, that was already covered under religion), family gatherings, annoying driving and shopping experiences - all that a moaning blogger wants really. So, what's wrong? Maybe Robert should take up drinking again and Richard should remind Antonio of the priorities*.

* In the interests of full disclosure it needs to be said that, even though he spent a lifetime in the Hospitality industry, The Curmudgeon is not known for being hospitable.

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, YOU BETTER NOT CRY ...

 My Christmas present arrived by courier post from USA today.

It's a shower curtain with the image of Gustav Klimt's 'The Kiss' on it.

This is to replace the Modigliani nude one that I've had for a number of years:

I bought it on-line from Christchurch City Art Gallery from where I bought the Modigliani one. When I bought it I didn't realise that it was going to be shipped from USA. Also, when I clicked the payment option of $60 I didn't realise that it was 60 US dollars! Still, it's lovely and is my Christmas present this year.

"So what's The Old Girl getting for Christmas?" I hear you asking.

She got a kitchen compost bin, the lucky girl.

Well, it is an Annabel Langbein* one.

* Who coincidentally is the chef whose Pasta Siciliana dish I made last night. This is the kumara and orange penne pasta dish I've mentioned before: HERE

NEW POST - THE MUSIC CURMUDGEON.

 

CHRISTMAS MUSIC

HOW DO CURMUDGEONS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS?

 I was asked recently how curmudgeons celebrate Christmas.

This person asked:

"How do curmudgeons celebrate Christmas?"

It was a really big question but I answered:

" Christmas time is a very busy time for me so I don't have a lot of time for celebration." 

I thought that would be it but this person banged on some more, asking:

"Why is Christmas a very busy time for you?" 

I answered:

"Because there's just so much more joy around for me to kill." 

This worked as it shut them up.

 *********************

FESTOON

A festoon (from French feston, Italian festone, from a Late Latin festo, originally a festal garland, Latin festum, feast) is a wreath or garland hanging from two points, and in architecture typically a carved ornament depicting conventional arrangement of flowers, foliage or fruit bound together and suspended by ribbons. The motif is sometimes known as a swag when depicting fabric or linen.

In modern English the verb forms, especially "festooned with", are often used very loosely or figuratively to mean having any type of fancy decoration or covering.

          - Wikipedia

Thanks Wikipedia. That saved me from having to search my memory for a meaning and, anyway, Robert reckons that all human memory is suspect:

"All human memory is suspect".

          -  Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner, toilet cleaner, threatener of eternal damnation, music snob and recovering Cerevisaphile 

  

Actually, I just made that up. What he really said was:

"Or that's how I remember it. Human recall is notoriously bad."

Which is just as silly. 

I like the word 'festoon'. It's like 'Andromeda', 'ethereal', 'aurora' and 'denouement'. Nice to roll around your tongue like a toffee or caramel.

'Festoon' is a word often associated with Christmas...

... with Christmas lights festooning houses, lounges and shopping malls.

Not a lot of 'festooning' goes on at our house though as we long ago forewent Christmas decorations, Christmas trees and Christmas cards.

This thought was brought on by the fact that we received a Christmas card today - from The Old Girl's cousin in Aberdeen. It brings the total number of Christmas cards this year to - one - and takes pride of place in the lounge which is as festive or 'festooned' as it will get.

Our Christmas card taking pride of place on the mantlepiece.

No longer do we have Venetian blinds dripping with cards which is good as, since we very rarely sent any out, takes away any guilt feelings. The Old Girl's cousin still sends a card each year though and a Scottish calendar knowing that Hell will freeze over before she gets one in return.

Talking of things of Christmas past, this year we haven't seen the traditional Christmas Letter from Richard. Mind you, Aesop's Fables told us to be careful of what we wish for so maybe I shouldn't have woken that beast.

TODAY'S MONDAY ....

I sat on the deck just outside our bedroom and read for a while before going for a swim.

We've had a cracker day today. Hopefully this is an indication that La Nina is here early after a long period of El Nino even though NIWA advises that it still might be a while:

"Of the models monitored by NIWA, there’s around a 100% chance of El Niño continuing through January 2024 and an 80% chance that the event persists through autumn 2024."

- NIWA

I've had enough of El Nino and am hoping that, after years of it, now La Nina will stay.


I went swimming for the first time this season which is late for me. Normally we go for dips from Labour weekend onwards but this year the variable weather with lots of rain prevented it. Before some old Christian or an ex-schoolteacher tells me that rain shouldn't prevent one from swimming as you get wet anyway I'll remind them that we live in a coastal environment with hills surrounding the bay. Rain causes run-off from farms and DOC blocks as well as from the roads and stormwater systems so, after rainfall the water is not clear and, while not hazardous for swimming is below par.


Anyway, I enjoyed my swim and stayed in the water for a long time. Some neighbours joined me and we had a convivial chat while soaking. Lovely.


After this I had to go into town for my second physiotherapy session for my hip tendinopathy. The first one was nearly two weeks ago and while initially feeling good afterwards I had some stiffness and pain last week. When asked by my dynamic therapist how I was feeling I said that I felt good initially after being mauled by her but a few days later had pain. This brought guffaws from the receptionist and another therapist who kept saying 'mauled' to each other. I thought it was the right usage as my therapist is a real tiger - strong as. She 'mauled' me again and, after testing, gave me some tougher exercises to do at home because my muscles are quite strong. When I told The Old girl later at home that the therapist said I was powerful she just looked at me and said "Yeah right." Women huh!


So how was your day?
















Oops! I almost forgot to tell you what I'm cooking for dinner - Tuna pasta bake. Basically a super macaroni cheese dish with tuna baked in the oven and served with fresh vegetable (broccoli and asparagus).

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

The Sunday Quiz, the Sunday Riddle and the Sunday Conundrum have all been discontinued due to cheating, indifference and snide references from readers.

Sorry about that but, you know, declining values.

The Religious Curmudgeon though has stepped up to provide you with a little lower brow entertainment for Sunday mornings.

GLORY

A HARD ONE

 

Look, let's face it, the Sunday quiz and the Sunday riddle didn't go down well with you pack of cheats and ungrateful bastard readers.  That's a shame as I was just trying to introduce a little excitement to your lives.

Before I abandon this project entirely I'll give you one last chance - a conundrum. Let's call it the Sunday Conundrum. Who knows, it might become a regular feature.

For this conundrum a really fabulous prize is up for grabs* so I suggest that you dust off those cobwebs in your heads and get thinking.

Here we go:

Three women go to a restaurant to dine. They receive a bill for $300. They each put $100 on the table, which the waiter collects and takes to the till. The restaurant manager informs the waiter that the bill should only have been for $250 and returns $50 to the waiter in $10 bills. On the way back to the table the waiter realises that he cannot divide the bills equally between the women. As they didn't know the total of the revised bill, he dishonestly decides to put $20 in his own pocket and give each of the women $10. Now that each woman has been given $10 back, each of the women has paid $90. Three times 90 is 270. The waiter has $20 in his pocket. Twenty plus 270 is $290. The women originally handed over $300. Where is the missing ten dollars?

I know that this is the Sunday Conundrum but, as it is difficult I'm allowing you an extra two days to solve this. Robert, if you want I absolve you from attending Mass on the weekend if you need extra time to concentrate. Richard ... well, do your best. 

* It's a really fabulous prize so give it your best shot and don't sin.

DOING A ROBERT

 Like Robert in his recent post, in this post I have nothing to gripe about.

I had a pleasant walk this morning - it was overcast and not too warm at 20℃ - along the Reotahi track.

I noticed that the defaced 'No Dogs' sign at the start of the track at our road's end has been replaced ...

... which is good but the sign at the other end of the track hasn't yet been replaced giving vacuous dog owners some sort of dingbat excuse.

Anyway, I met no dog-walkers on the track today.

The track has been nicely refurbished in the parts that were damaged by the cyclones earlier this year.

The materials were dropped in by helicopter:

I spotted a tractor for sale on my walk:

It's a nice one that has been refurbished. I like tractors and would like one but The Old Girl always comes up with practical reasons why we shouldn't have one, like:

• There's no place to park it
• We don't own a boat
• We don't need one and,
• You'll fall off it.

Fair enough.

I also spotted this:

It appears, going by the greeting, that Richard's friend Bin Hire is learning Te Reo but at this stage his spelling is suspect.

The speed limit changes are rolling out today I think which makes me happy. The petrol heads are kidding on that the coalition government has scrapped the plans but our local councillor clarified things on Facebook here:

How's your day going?

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

 

ROBERT, LOOK AWAY NOW

THE MUDDLE OF THE MIDDLE

There's a worrying trend I notice, for people to become inured to the bad actions and decisions of politicians and government and industry leaders, saying "what can you do"? As a result they do nothing and many don't bother using their democratic rights to vote - especially in local elections.

Robert said this in his most recent post:

 

I found this pathetic and told him so in a comment to which he replied:

"The 'news' is what TV1 and Radio New Zealand says it is. You need to think for yourself!"

Apart from the oxymoronic nature of that I find it worrying because it reminds me of what the MAGA red hat wearing Americans say when defending Trump against any comments or criticisms from the authentic news channels - not only American ones. It's silly. You cannot summon up news and information from the ether through antennae in your head.

Then again ... Robert is a Catholic Christian:

We are bombarded with conflicting news channels for sure but it's up to any reasonable person to apply good judgement when selecting what to watch, read or listen to. It's best to seek balance by using both left and right leaning media - to a degree and not to subscribe to the too radical left or right. Sensible and reasoned argument doesn't own a position on either side.
 

I'll respond to Robert's three non-gripes:

1. "North South ferries... don't really care".

The inter Island ferry stock is aging and needs replacement within a few years. In addition to the actual ships, new infrastructure must be built. This service isn't just a luxury for travellers and cannot be dismissed by saying "I don't really care". Freighting between the two islands could be at risk from the new government's decision to abandon ferry replacement (saving 3 billion to help reward the top 2% in tax cuts). This will have a catastrophic effect on the economy and also 'derail' the option of having larger, more efficient lower-carbon emitting ships. It's dumb short-term thinking that will have financial impact and, because the current aging fleet has reliability issues, will put lives at risk.

I care.

2. "Speed limit on new safe roads.... some are doing those now anyway".

That's not the point is it? Did you mother ever say "Just because Johnny down the road wants to jump off a cliff, you don't have to."? In a recent post on defacing the 'No Dogs' signs on our conservation walks I noted how a dingbat commenter suggested that the signs should be higher to prevent them being defaced. This is not a solution but merely endorsement of stupid opinions and bad behaviour. 

Reducing speed limits on sections of roading in the country that are patently not suitable for high speed travel is commonsense and will save lives. Sure there will still be petrol heads across all demographics who will continue to speed but that is not a reason to do nothing.

3. "Smoking law.... need to know what they are REALLY proposing".

The coalition government has stated that, before March 2024 it will repeal laws that restrict the number of retailers allowed to sell cigarettes, ban those born after 2008 from buying them and cut the amount of nicotine allowed in tobacco. These laws were world-leading and brave but now lives will be lost as a result and further generations of Kiwis will become addicted. This because the coalition government is concerned more with revenue gathering than with health.

Sheesh!