I started these interviews back in April 2022 with the intention that it would be a series of interviews with interviewees that haven't had a chance to put their stories forward before. That worked phenomenally well with, at one point receiving eight comments for one of the interview posts. Success!
Along the way however some interviewees sneaked in who didn't exactly fit the bill and were people who tend to put their stories forward far too much. I'm talking about people like David Seymour, Harry Sussex, God, Chris Bishop, Vladimir Putin and Richard of the blog formerly known as Richard's Bass Bag. Sorry about that. Maybe in the future I could start a series on people who should shut the fuck up.
Anyway, in keeping with the original premise, this week The Curmudgeon's Inc.ⓒ will be interviewing the Emperor Nero.
THE CURMUDGEON: Welcome Imperator, Pontifex Maximus, Princeps of the Republic, Consul and Emperor Nero.
NERO: Thanks The Curmudgeon, you can just call me Nero.
THE CURMUDGEON: OK Nero, you can call me TC.
NERO: Ha ha I like that - it reminds me of that neat 1960s cartoon on TV ...
THE CURMUDGEON: ....Top Cat?
NERO: Yeah, Top Cat. It suits you.
THE CURMUDGEON: Aw shucks Nero. Look I thought I'd ask you along to put forward your side of things as history has given you a bad rap I think.
NERO: It sure has - starting with that picture you used at the top ...THE CURMUDGEON: ... the burning of Rome while you played fiddle?
NERO: Yes that. I didn't start the bloody fire and I certainly didn't sit there watching it FFS! I have a delicate constitution and the smell of smoke and burning bodies is offensive to me. No, I buggered off to my holiday villa on Capri while those silly buggers burned.
THE CURMUDGEON: Oh, I see. Nice.
NERO: No, Capri - just off Naples. Nice is in Gaul. You don't get a reputation for being nice TC when you murder your own mother. Mind you Agrippina deserved it the old witch. she wouldn't let me take my abacus to school ...
THE CURMUDGEON: Lyre!
NERO: What? I'm not lying. What are you suggesting?
THE CURMUDGEON: That picture shows you playing a lyre, not a fiddle. What's that about?
NERO: Well spotted TC although you were beaten to that observation by an old retired schoolteacher who complained that what I was playing wasn't a violin or fiddle. Fiddles weren't invented until the 10th century AD. I played the lyre, and bloody well if you ask me. No-one complained that's for sure.
THE CURMUDGEON: Mmm, I guess they wouldn't dare.
NERO: Ha ha, you're darned tooting there TC. I would have had them put to the sword or, if on holiday in Capri, have them thrown off the cliff like Tiberius did.THE CURMUDGEON: Ha ha - rumbled. You're a sly old dog Nero.
NERO: Well you don't get to be 1,986 years old by being slow.
THE CURMUDGEON: No, and lifestyle probably helped too. Did you drink the blood of young virgins?
NERO: You're thinking of the Catholic Church there with that nonsense. No, I didn't do that but I wouldn't put it past my younger brother Caligula. He had odd tastes.
THE CURMUDGEON: Tell me Nero, ahem, it's said that you married both women and men, at different times, and assumed the role of the bride when you married a former slave known as Pythagoras.
NERO: Mmmm - what goes on in Rome stays in Rome TC. You should know that. You've been on a few conferences.
THE CURMUDGEON: Yeah but that was before I met The Old Girl and anyway, only women were involved. I ....
NERO: ..... just winding you up TC.THE CURMUDGEON: OK. Moving on. I read that you survived several conspiracies against you, though, in the end, a group opposed to your public works and taxes had you tried in absentia as a public enemy and, faced with certain death you committed suicide. Is that right?
NERO: It wasn't right TC but it is correct. Those rich privileged bastards didn't like the fact that I had plans to tax them a fair amount in order to get public works going and decent handouts to the poor so they undermined me.
THE CURMUDGEON: Mmm, sounds familiar. It reminds me of our recent change of government.
NERO: True. I've been watching that TC. I was overwhelmingly popular with the common people during my reign from 54 to 68 CE. At the same time, the upper class in the Roman Empire detested me, largely because I paid for my many public works by increasing taxes. Numerous plots against me developed among the wealthy and powerful, and I used all the legal means available at the time to combat them but they got me in the end.
THE CURMUDGEON: The upper classes and your political enemies condemned you as despotic and insane?
NERO: Yes - that's why they came up with that cock-a-mammy story about me starting the fire and watching it burn while I played. Bastards! It was me who organised relief efforts and provided shelter in my palaces for the homeless. I created an urban redevelopment plan containing some of the earliest building codes in recorded history. To get it done though I had to tax the fat rich bastards and ...
THE CURMUDGEON: ...Yes, and the rest as they say was history.
NERO: Or fabricated history TC. It's true that I taxed them and it's true that they conspired against me leading to my death but the historians and political enemies of the day created the myth of my complicity in the fire. I'm pleased to get a chance to share this with your readers.
THE CURMUDGEON: Thanks Nero although, in the interests of full disclosure you're putting a lot of faith in the reading and comprehension abilities of the readers (two of them now). We've reached the 90th line here and Richard would have dozed off by now. Robert probably lost interest after not seeing his name in the first 20 lines - but, it is appreciated. I just wish that they would also appreciate what I do.
NERO: Yes, I know what you mean. After my death, though my popularity with the common people continued, the upper classes made every attempt to erase my good image from Roman eyes and condemned me in writing and in speeches.THE CURMUDGEON: "Vero Sono qui per te quando conta" as Richard would say.
NERO: Would he? I think that he should stop quoting those insurance companies' mottos and do some proper Italian language studies. Anyway, ciao TC or- as you were in 3P - vale.
THE CURMUDGEON: Vale Nero.
Well that ends that. Nice chap Nero, reminds me of Christopher Hipkins.
10 comments:
I made it to the end. Might go and have a nap now. I don't think Robert will read a post that long.
Robert could do worse than read what Nero had to say. He said things that would be dear to Robert's heart.
Here are some examples:
"The wretches will suffer punishment and will shortly meet the end which they deserve"
"Music made secretly wins no respect"
"She ought to be content with the insignia of wifehood" [about first wife Octavia]
"Hidden talent counts for nothing"
I really don't think you'll get to eight comments.
No, not when I play fair and don't stack them like you do .... oops - 4 comments.
I didn't tell the truth - Mea Culpa- when I said in this post that the most comments I received in the interview series was 8.
I was being modest.
That was the interview with God Interview #14. You'd think that there would have been more comments but .... God was surpassed, comments-wise by:
Interview #5 Judas (9 comments)
Interview #22 The Easter Bunny (9 comments)
Interview #19 Ned Golightly - the lighthouse keeper (9 comments)
and Interview #4 Mrs O'Sullivan - Robert's naked neighbour (9 comments).
Go figure.
I think that religion is declining and think I made the right decision (back in 1966) to become an atheist.
Look - I didn't plan this - I'm not a needy ex-schoolteacher after all but ... 6 comments.
No, 7.
I'm teaching you.
Don't be late!
Oops, eight.
666 comments.
You didn't mention that he had the christians blamed for Rome catching fire.
Yeah well, I’d have blamed them myself - bunch of sanctimonious twits.
Hey! Double figures on the comments. Thanks guys.
Post a Comment