ETIQUETTE

Regular readers will know that I've joined a bowling club and today played in a first year singles final which I will report on in a moment.

First, it is important to know that Lawn Bowls is a traditional game played largely by elderly people and which has strict rules of social behavior and etiquette. Bowlers are sticklers for rules and traditions and get a bit niggly when these are not being adhered to.

Here are the etiquette rules that apply to New Zealand bowling clubs:



Etiquette: One of the greatest attributes of lawn bowls is the opportunity it gives to foster sociability and camaraderie among fellow bowlers. And as part of this, it is important that some conventional courtesies and standards are observed on and off the green.

1. On tournament and club days, try to arrive early enough to assist with preparation of play (scrims, scoreboards, mats, jacks, etc)

2. Visiting Players should not be left to their own devices – they are our guests for the day and should be made to feel welcome.

3. Hand the jack to the opposing lead when he/she has placed the mat and have their first bowl ready to hand to them. This friendly gesture sets the tone for the game.

4. All players should have their next bowl in their hand by the time the opposing player has delivered their bowl. Scrambling around searching for your bowl is not acceptable, especially in a time game.

5. All players should stay stationary and quiet behind the player delivering the bowl so as not to affect their concentration.

6. Do not walk up the rink in front of the player who has just delivered the last bowl to be played. Wait until they start moving up the rink.

7. No bowls should be touched or moved until the end is declared and then help return the bowls to behind the mat.

8. Warn players on adjoining rinks if a drive is about to be played and be ready to try and stop any bowls going into other rinks and disturbing their heads.

9. Possession of the rink and mat passes to your opponent once your bowl comes to rest or becomes dead. If you are on the head, you can only make comments and see what position your bowls are in if you are in possession of the rink.

10.It is unlawful as well as discourteous to encroach on adjoining rinks.

11.It is a courtesy for the “Three” or middle player of the team who has won the previous end to place his skip’s bowl on the mat before joining the other players at change over.

12.Niggling or disparaging remarks directed at the opposing team or players is not good sportsmanship.

13.Congratulate an opponent on a well- played bowl and don’t grizzle if they have a lucky shot. You will get your share of rubs and wicks and they generally balance out in a game.

14.Do not forget that Bowls is first and foremost a sport and should be treated as such. Be gracious in defeat.

15.Avoid unseemly language and behaviour at all times and have consideration for your own players and opponents.

16.Disturbing the head before an opponent has a chance to determine the results is illegal and unacceptable. No bowls should be moved until both teams, or opposing players in singles, agree on the number of shots scored.

17. Leads and twos should remain behind the head or mat when not in possession of the rink and should not crowd the head or offer advice when bowls in contention are being measured – this is the job of the Three (or middle person).

18.The skip should set high standards by being scrupulously fair. They should not belittle team members who are performing indifferently, but instead provide encouragement. Rewarding well played shots with a clap or friendly word of praise does wonders for team morale.

19.Keep general chatter to a minimum and and don’t wander from rink to rink.

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As said I played  a best of three games finals tournament match today and unfortunately lost. In keeping with the rules of etiquette here is my short report on this:

"My opponent J. was a rather tall chap. He was very nice and polite with impeccable manners. Dressed in regulation whites he brought credit to the venerable game and elegantly demonstrated his skills.
His playing was consistent and of high quality enabling him to convincingly win the first game. I bowled some good shots but not enough I'm sad to say to pull back from J's impressive score.
After a welcome cup of tea we resumed playing and in the second game we were 'neck and neck' for most of it until, in the last quarter J pulled away. Although the second game was close J, due to his superior skill and discipline was able to win.
The result was J winning best of three and being awarded the First Year singles trophy.
Well done J, the best man won."

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Well, bollocks to that. Now that I'm home here's my alternate report.

"At the bowling club I was met by a tall streak of piss by the name of J. This joker claimed to be a first year player having not played bowls before. He rather suspiciously was decked out in official bowling club gear - white hat, white shirt, white longs and even white shoes - first year? Yeah right!
The bastard was annoying in his mundane and boring playing style, just inching each shot closer and closer to the jack or kitty as the white target ball is called. Every time I placed one of my balls close this long streak of piss would nudge mine out of the way. Bastard! He won the first game and then we had to sit about drinking stewed tea and making polite conversation with some of the oldies who looked like they came out of Robert's mate Noah's Ark.
The next game was much closer and it looked like I might win and J was getting a bit tired. He said that he probably wouldn't be up to playing a third game if he lost the second so I felt sorry for him and slackened off my pace a bit so he could win.
The result - two games to J who was made First Year Champion.
Lawn bowls is a stupid game!"

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A funny thing happened with the shorts I was wearing. As I was adjusting them the top button which held them together came off and the zip kept coming down. As a result the shorts were slipping down regularly. I had to take the shoelace out of one of my shoes and tie up the shorts by looping the lace through the belt loops and tying tightly. I didn't want to be the first person at the club to be playing naked.

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