A PARALLEL UNIVERSE TALE

On Sunday we were in Whangarei and it was raining heavily. The Old Girl wanted to go to Smith's shoe shop to buy some new running shoes (why she can't just buy them from The Warehouse or from Sketchers is anyone's guess). I drove around trying to find a park as close as possible to Smith's so that she wouldn't get soaked.*

Bingo! I spied a park on the other side of the road that was outside the shop next to Smith's Shoe Shop and did a quick U-turn in front of the other traffic. Some drivers waved to me with a funny sign. They're a friendly lot up here.

As I parked I noticed that the shop I was outside was a Church shop.

I like the name.

The Old Girl went into the shoe shop next door leaving me to sit in the car. After a few minutes I thought "Fuck it" and got out and went into  Manna.

There was an unknown man standing behind the counter. This wasn't surprising as I'd never been into this shop before and, to be honest, only get into town about once a fortnight.

"Good morning, can I help you?" said the stranger.

Actually, that was the gist of what he said. The actual words were "Howdy partner, put it there" as he stretched out a big paw.

He was a tall, handsome man and seemed to have a strong American accent. Before I got a chance to ask hime about this he said "I'm new around these parts. I moved here from Texas to try and avoid getting Covid. The name's Bent Reborn. I'm quite well known for my anti-abortion work back home."

That was a bit more information than I needed but politely said "Hi". I didn't think that telling him that I wasn't exactly smitten by his anti-abortion statement was appropriate and, did I mention that he was tall?

When I entered the shop I noticed a rather scruffy old guy at the back of the shop who was, or had been, filling up an antique condom machine. There were packets of condoms scattered all over the floor and the bench behind the counter. Why I noticed him was because, when I entered he sort of made a rush to get away from what he was doing (hence the condoms scattered all over the floor and the bench) and tried to get to the counter to greet me first before the Texan did. As he moved forward the Texan blocked his path and greeted me.

"I'm Bent Reborn" he said, once again shaking my hand which made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I don't like shaking hands with people as I don't like that form of close contact with strangers. I also don't like getting my hair cut, having a dentist fiddling about in my mouth or having colonoscopies. Is that just me?

Bent, while still holding my hand told me that the old guy at the back was named Bob. "He works here. He's always running a bit late because his dog gets hold of his rosary beads and shakes the shit out of them." Bent rolled his eyes as he said this and then said to Bob "Hey Bob, do we need that damned condom machine in here?"

Bob mumbled a bit before he could answer. "Well, it's always been there, at least as long as I can remember. Of course, being a Catholic shop, we don't sell a lot of condoms." He added defensively, but Bent cut in quickly, "We Catholics are about encouraging life! I think we should get rid of the vending machine."

I had only been a few minutes in this shop and already I was finding Bent a bit pushy and Bob a bit strange. I  decided to change the subject.

"Hey! What about that transubstantiation?" I said. "That's cool, right?"

"We agree there." said Bent. "It's so cool it's literally freezing". I could see that he was warming to me which made me wonder if he thought that I was cool. Bob shuffled around the counter, eager to join in this new conversation. "I think there's different ways of swallowing the Eucharist. It's all about putting your head back and opening your throat wide" Bob told Bent and me. "You're not allowed to chew it." At this point Bob went bright red and stammered "....um..at least that's what Father Iloveu said.

Bent probably already knew that, going by the look of him, but Bob was showing off his knowledge even if it was causing him some embarrassment.

"I'd better top up the vending machine." said Bob, "Father Iloveu always asks if it is full when he walks past."

The uncomfortable tension remained in the shop. It reminded me of visiting married friends for dinner or a drink when obviously they had recently had a row and the cool atmosphere prevailed, made all the more obvious by the false bonhomie between them kind of like trying to hide a big smelly dump with one of those spray cans of 'air freshener'.

I was wondering how I could get away when The Old Girl opened the door and said to me "what the fuck? I leave you alone for a minute (actually it was much longer) and you go all religious on me. Come along Matey."

I bolted out after her and we drove off to home.

It all seemed like a dream.

* A parking procedure totally unknown to Richard who likes to park as far away from the destination regardless of whether it's raining or not.