A DAY IN THE LIFE

 This post was inspired by a post on Richard's bass Bag which you wouldn't have read:

FROM THE WILDERNESS

etc. (he does go on a bit).

***************************

Geoffrey (not his real name*) was woken by Shelley ** early in the morning.

Shelley **: Geoffrey*, Geoffrey*, wake up. I haven't heard from Albert*** for at least a day and I'm                         worried.

Geoffrey*: Wassssamattaupsh!

Shelley **: Wake up, I'm worried about Albert***.

Geoffrey*: Have you phoned him?

Shelley **: He doesn't have the phone connected.

Geoffrey*: Fuck! Have you tried his cell-phone?

Shelley **: He doesn't have a cellphone.

Geoffrey*: Fuck! Have you texted him?

Shelley **: What part of "he doesn't have a cellphone" don't you understand? Sheesh!

Geoffrey*: Watch the strong language Shelley**. Have you sent him an e-mail?

Shelley**: He doesn't have a computer. You know this.

Geoffrey*: Fuck! So Shelley** what do you want me to do about it?

Shelley**: You have to drive up there to check on him.

Geoffrey*: Fuck! It's a 200km round trip.

Shelley**: I know Geoffrey*, and I know that it'll take you several days but he's my brother and ...

Geoffrey*: ....and blood's thicker than water ...

Shelley**: No, he's a pain in the arse but it'll get you out of the house for a while. That bloody Czardas thing is driving me nuts ...

Geoffrey*: Watch the language Shell. OK, I'll go.

*******************

Geoffrey* set off on his drive up to Horowhenua humming  Czardas  as he went, oblivious to the huge line of frustrated traffic in his wake. "Dum, dum de duddly dum".

3 hours later he pulled in to Foxton where he met an old lady in the men's toilet (best not to ask). She said that she had no money so Geoffrey* took her to the supermarket and bought her a trolley full of groceries. She told him that she hadn't eaten for a while so Geoffrey* drove her home and cooked her a slap-up breakfast from the things that he'd bought for her. Grizelda**** said "What the fuck sonny! Are you trying to poison me? I'm a vegan".

"Fuck" said Geoffrey* and went back to the grocery store and bought a supply of food that had no meat, dairy, fish or flavour and cooked her up something resembling wallpaper paste. You'd think that she'd be pleased but she told him that she couldn't sleep because the bed hadn't been made for 10 years. Geoffrey* made her bed, tidied the house, cleaned the bathroom, mowed the lawn and did a few odd jobs around the place. Three hours later he waved goodbye to Grizelda**** promising to return with some cash.

At the money machine Geoffrey* got into an argument with an old dog. "Fucking old dog" he said and was overheard by it's owner Mr Mean Old Cunt***** who was in some sort of wheelchair.

"Don't talk to my dog like that Sonny-Jim" said Mr Mean Old Cunt*****. "I've had better men than you for breakfast".

Geoffrey* really wasn't listening as he was humming Czardas to himself and was only brought back to reality when Mr Mean Old Cunt***** whacked him on the back of his leg with his walking stick  saying:

"Without my walking stick, I'd go insane
I can't look my best I feel undressed without my cane.
Must have my walking stick 'cause it may rain
When it pours can't be outdoors without my cane.

Be-bop-bop-de-la-dum
Be-bop-a-da-bum
Re-bop-be-a
Rop-a-de-bop
Rump-a-de-dum
Ra-da-da-de."

This got Geoffrey*'s attention and, after pocketing the money from the machine for Grizelda**** he nervously walked off rubbing his leg.

After giving Grizelda**** the money, for which she complained that it was all in $50 notes and asked him why couldn't he get 10s and 20s like a normal person he drove off to Albert***'s house in Tangimoana, muttering to himself (the Czardas was forgotten and now he couldn't get that Leon Redbone song out of his head. "Fucking Leon Redbone" he muttered).

Albert*** was pleased to see Geoffrey* because he needed the roof repaired, a fence painted, the septic tank emptied and help to go to the toilet. "Bloody Shelley" Richard muttered but immediately felt sorry for saying that when Albert*** said even worse things.

Geoffrey* said goodbye to Albert*** and pretended to be deaf when Albert*** asked him to help him wipe his bum, cook him an omelette and dig a swimming pool in the back garden.

When Geoffrey* arrived home two days after he had left he complimented himself on making such good time on a long drive - 200 kms! "Be-bop-bop-de-la-dum, Be-bop-a-da-bum, Re-bop-be-a" he sang to himself. "Bloody Leon Redbone".

As he was about to turn in to Wallace's Grove****** he saw an elderly gent at the corner looking distressed. One wheel of his mobility aid was trapped in the gutter and he was in danger of falling over.

"Fuck him" said Geoffrey* as he drove quickly past, making sure to go through the big puddle and drenching the elderly guy.

* His real name is Richard.

** Shelley is her real name.

*** No one knows what Albert***'s real name is.

**** Grizelda is her real name

***** Not his real name but he was.

******Not its real name.