WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN ... SORRY, ABOUT ROBERT

 

It's been a long time coming - not unlike Robert's pal Jesus's promised return to Earth - but the longer we leave this the worse he's going to get.

When I say 'worse' I might be misleading as it only I guess, seems that he's getting worse. In reality he might have just been bad all the time. By 'bad' I mean nutty, misguided, delusional, 'away with the fairies' and his self admitted 'seeing things in the sky'.

When I say 'he seems to be getting worse' this is because the Catholic Church and Christianity are declining in New Zealand. 

Figures from the last three censuses show the number of people identifying as Christian in New Zealand declined from 64.2 per cent in 1996 to 54.4 per cent in 2006, while those identifying as non-religious increased from 25.4 per cent to 33.9 per cent.

Stuff - June 26, 2024.

 

Robert, assuming that he's as nutty as he ever was with his belief in the Catechism, Catholic dogma, Mariology, the Bible etc is becoming comparatively more nutty on a per capita basis as a significant number of his fellow New Zealanders are giving up on the insanity.

"Jesus and Mary, I'm coming up to join you."

Here's an excerpt from the transcript of the imaginary intervention that we held recently:

Successful intervention begins with identifying users and appropriate interventions based upon the patient's willingness to quit. The five major steps to intervention are the "5 A's": Ask, Advise, Assess, Assist, and Arrange.

To assist in the intervention I asked for a representative from The Curmudgeons Incⓒ and The Religious Curmudgeon volunteered; a representative from The Bass Bag Confederation - and Richard volunteered Angry Jesus; a random stranger from the street - and a guy named Lou Ciphor volunteered; A woman - and I selected Mrs O'Sullivan for obvious reasons and finally a retired (actually defrocked) priest who used to conduct exorcisms Father (ex) Pulsion.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Welcome fellow interventionists and thanks for coming. We have a big job on today - we ned to convince Robert aka Rob to face reality and give up his religion nonsense. That's Rob tied up  ... er, sitting over there in the corner. Some of you know him already.

General hubbub of "thanks TRC", "Hi Rob", "Cool", "Well, I'm not wearing much" and "What's for afternoon tea?"

 

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: OK, let's start. I'll kick off with the first of the five 'A's - ASK. 

Identify and document religion use status for every attendee. I'll start with me. As I say on my blog site I take an honest look at religion based on a lifetime of life experiences.  I ascribe to Sam Harris's statement that "pretending to know things one doesn't know is a betrayal of science – and yet it is the lifeblood of religion."

Angry Jesus how about you?

ANGRY JESUS: I expect all Christians to visit my blog and take bloody note of what I've got to say.

What I say over rides all other instructions they might be getting from weirdo priests or anyone else claiming to be passing on my thoughts.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Ooooo ... Okay, we'll park that for the moment. Lou, what can you tell us about your religion use?

LOU CIPHOR: My religion use? I'll tell you - I have no bloody use for religion. I seek knowledge from both within and without. I'm free to act but accept no consequences. I believe that taboos and social expectations should not hamper anyone from achieving his or her goals. I maintain that wealth is not something to be ashamed of. You should be encouraged to strive for success and enjoy the fruits of your labours. You are allowed and even encouraged to take pride in your accomplishments and to highlight them. You should ...

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: ... Whew! I need to stop you there Lou. Hopefully we'll get back to you later on this over a toasted scone or something eh? Mrs O' Sullivan, what's your connection with religion and do you use it a lot?

MRS O'SULLIVAN: Thanks TRC - you can call me Peggy if you like. As you well know I knew Rob when he was little Robert and he was an annoying little Catholic boy back then. Now he's an annoying big Catholic boy just like that old wowser Mr Linford who I suspect encouraged little Rob to peep in my windows. Well, if you ask me that's not nice and if that's what religion does for you then count me out. Is it cold in here or is it just me?

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Wow! And what you said was striking as well Peggy. Um, Fr Pulsion, what's your take on this?

FATHER (ex) PULSION: Religion hoo! What's it good for? Absolutely nothing. I gave it a go when I was a priest and worked my effing guts out getting the ya yas out of silly nuns and conflicted brothers and what'd they do? They defrocked me. I miss that cassock though. I wonder if ...

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: OK, thanks ex. I think that demonstrates that we're the right crew to get this job done. I've covered the ASK part and have decided to apportion the other 'A's to each of you to cover.

Angry Jesus will take ADVISE. Lou can have ASSESS. Peggy, can you do ASSIST and ex, how about you rounding things off with ARRANGE. OK, let's go. AG?

ANGRY JESUS: Right. I see that the manual say's and I quote: "In a clear, strong, and personalised manner, urge every religious user to quit."

Just fucking well give up this nonsense Rob! This god of yours is my bloody dad and who better than me to know that he's a con artist? You're on a hiding to nothing son.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Thanks AG, clear and to the point as usual. Lou - you're up.

LOU CIPHOR: Right. The book says to assess whether the religion user willing to make a quit attempt at this time? Looking at him sitting over there playing with his rosary beads makes me doubt that he'll (see what I did there?) listen to us. I recommend a round of hot pokers up his bum followed by ...

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Thanks Lou (wondering if he'd picked the right random stranger). Um, Peggy, what can you add?

MRS O'SULLIVAN: Thanks TRC darling. So, ASSIST - If little Robert - sorry, big Rob is willing to make a quit attempt I propose to use counselling and pharmacotherapy to help him quit. I'm a caring person and think that with a few cuddles and some interesting pills Rob and I could ...

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: .... thanks Peggy. I note that Rob is now taking an interest in these proceedings and has stopped playing with his rosary beads he's now pla .... Father ex, can you wrap up for us?

FATHER (ex) PULSION: Yes, OK, ask the old defrocked guy to do all the wrapping up for you ... so, ARRANGE is the last 'A'. I'm supposed to schedule follow-up contact, in person or by telephone, preferably within the first week after Rob's quit date. Good luck with that I say unless he's willing to meet me at that new bar in Jackson Street, the one where anyone can wear a dress. We can ...

ROB: I'm in ... or out or whatever.

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: What? Alleluia! Has the intervention worked so quickly? I'm impressed. How do you feel about that Rob?

ROB: Whatever ... say, Peggy, what you said before, you know, can we ...

THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON: Well folks we'd better wrap this up now. It's Rob's shout so I got him to put $200 on the bar (AG you can make your own) Let's hit it folks.

General high spirits and excitement, "Cheers", hubbub etc.