FOR WORZEL GUMMIDGE FANS

 

"I'll be bum-swizzled"

Aficionados of mangled English language have been disappointed by the infrequency of posting by Richard and Robert recently, but they could indulge their passion by watching the Rugby World Cup where commentators make Worzel sound like a grammarian.

It's here that the worst of phrases and sayings in English can be heard - things like:

• Put the ball to hand.
• Get in the defensive area.
• Channel the ball out wide.
• Explode off the back of the scrum.
• Come forward onto the ball.
• Big boys upfront setting the platform.
• Run behind going forward.
• God backfires. And backfires alarmingly. With a big bang.*

* Sorry - that was one of Robert's in a recent post and I took 'poetic' licence with it as he originally said:

"You see, none of these actually prove the falsehood of God! Their attempt to disprove God backfires. And backfires alarmingly. With a big bang."

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

 

I found some of my old photos in the 'cloud' today and this one, from the Queen Charlotte walk we went on many years ago reminds me of Gandalf the wizard. I'm using it as a screensaver.

WORLD (IN) PEACE(S)

 This 'DEEP DIVE' report is really worth watching if you're interested in American politics and how they spill over into world affairs that can affect all of us.

Jared Kushner, that 'business person' whose main qualification is being Donald Trump's son-in-law hit the stage in 2017 promising to make the world a safer place for us all. If you didn't see his introductory speech in the Mehdi Hasan 'Deep Dive' report above, here's a link to his world peace speech:

WORLD PEACE

Oops, sorry, wrong one, here's Jared's version:

JARED ON WORLD PEACE

These grifters would make me laugh if it wasn't so disgusting that minimally talented, egregious and greedy bastards like Kushner, his wife Ivanka and the rest of the slimy Trump family made billions of dollars while the average Joe citizen faced unemployment, benefit slashing, health insurance cuts and had to look on while the super rich got super richer under the Trump Administration's tax laws.

Unbelievably, if we believe the American political polls, Trump is the clear front-runner for the Republican selection of candidate to run for election next year. Go figure! If the dullard Democrats continue with propping up doddery old Biden to run again then Trump and his cronies might win again and then bring in the family of grifters to 'bring us world peace'.

Robert's god save us all.

WHAT ON EARTH DOES THIS MEAN?

 No, for once I'm not bewildered about some bizarre Catholic claim made by Robert - I'm referring to another sort of nutter, Liz Gunn.

A billboard for her 'political party' has gone up near our place.

 

Which explains the conspiracy oriented flyers we've received in our letterbox over the last couple of years. Some conspiracy theory nutter must live where the sign has gone up. 

"LOYAL TO YOU, NOT TO THEM"?
What does that mean?
When asked Gunn said that the slogan refers to "the globalists" which I admit is a bit like Robert trying to explain transubstantiation.

New Zealand Loyal

In June 2023 Gunn announced a new political party, New Zealand Loyal. In the launch video she discussed conspiracies involving fluoridation, 1080, Bill Gates, "gender programming", the World Economic Forum, media, the  15-minute city urban planning concept, the "brown mafia", and odd weather patterns. She said that it is a compliment to be called a conspiracy theorist and requested donations of up to $1,000,000. Her ambition at the time was to have 500 people (the minimum required to register a party) join within a week.

New Zealand Loyal was registered two months later on 28 August 2023. Its official logo includes the slogan, "Loyal to You, Not to Them". Gunn said that the slogan refers to "the globalists".

Two opinion polls done in September 2023 for 1 News reported support for New Zealand Loyal at 0.4% and 1.2%.

Election candidates

The party intended to run a 15-person list in the election but failed to register most of those individuals in time. Consequently NZ Loyal's official party list contains Gunn, Peter Drew and Phillip George Engel. Engel has since left the party so the list effectively contains only two candidates. Should NZ Loyal pass the 5%  those two would become MPs and the rest of the party's seats would remain vacant.

Gunn initially took responsibility for the administrative debacle, putting it down to "human error" within the party. Some days later she instead claimed that the Electoral Commission was at fault, having given the party "contradictory advice", and said that the party would investigate whether the Commission had deliberately sabotaged NZ Loyal. Chief electoral officer Karl Le Quesne said that the Commission worked closely with all parties before and during the nomination period, that NZ Loyal submitted a list with three candidates within time, and that they had asked to add more people after the September 14 deadline.

This mishap led Gunn to change her campaign strategy, calling a vote for NZ Loyal a "protest vote" that will reduce the number of MPs in parliament.

New Zealand Loyal also has candidates in 33 electorate. Liz Gunn is not one of them. As of September 2023 only 30 candidates are featured on the party's website.

          - Wikipedia 

Now, come to think of it, maybe Liz Gunn is really Robert in drag ....

WHAT WOULD THEY DO WITHOUT ME?

 

I know that it must be a worry to them - if The Curmudgeon's Inc.ⓒ wasn't here to offer pearls of wisdom and point them in the right direction.

What would a couple of old ex St Pat's schoolboys do other than reminisce over their heyday days in Mr Maloney's band or being librarians?

Here's a thought - maybe they could start up their own church. I mean, they have the right mix of qualifications: Robert's crazy religious ideas and belief in mythical beings, arcane practices and historical fabrications; and Richard's cynicism and disbelief of all that Robert believes. Without blatant opportunism and a willingness to exploit the duped masses religions would not survive. You can't leave the organisation up to starry-eyed ingenues.

How hard would it be?

The Church of the Blessed Curmudgeon was a start up religion sponsored by The Curmudgeon's Inc.ⓒ but didn't get much traction, mainly from disinterest from The Curmudgeon and besides, The Curmudgeon's Inc.ⓒ already has The Religious Curmudgeon in its lineup. Some creative ideas might be found from the blog though so here's a link for you: THE CHURCH OF THE BLESSED CURMUDGEON

If you still wish to proceed then John Oliver has some ideas for you:

With some duds from a costume supplier Richard and Robert can get moving pretty quickly.

How to set up a church:

• Gain experience as a preacher.
• Start a nonprofit and structure it accordingly. 
• Give your church a name, a mission statement, and bylaws.
• Hire a lawyer, a finance team, and form a board of directors. The Curmudgeon will volunteer to be treasurer.
• Build your congregation.
• Develop and implement a fundraising strategy.
• Write a 'catechism' - the sillier the better.
• Print up some old books for authenticity.
• Create some gold plates or tablets that have the 'rules' imprinted on them.
• 
  Appoint a music director - crazy is good.
• Appoint a priest, pastor or evangelist.
• Open a church bank account - essential.
• Write out weekly sermons - AI ChatGPT can help here.
• Acquire some statues, icons, holy pictures, reliquary and any other arcane stuff to confuse and enthral the punters.
• Ban all women from being officers of your church but encourage young and attractive ones to join. Note: any woman younger than 70 is 'young and attractive' to you.
• Offer private counselling to the 'young and attractive' women.
• Create a few miracles (drugging the congregation helps here).
• Invent saints, martyrs and prophets. Insane ones work best and stories of bilocation, stigmata, ascension, assumption, virgin birth etc. are popular.
• Come up with some trite blessings and sayings like "He is risen".
• Don't be embarrassed - the money will make it all worthwhile.

Good luck and may God give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

Here's an idea for your church songs.

NEW POST - THE CURMUDGEON'S AGONY AUNT

 

AND ANOTHER STING ...

TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS THE QUESTION ...

 I sometimes enter the NZ Listener competitions.

A recent one is the 'Headlines' competition in Bright Lines where contributors were asked to send in spoof headlines relating to the upcoming elections.

I sent in this:

The Winner was this:

You'd think that those people at The NZ Listener might have at least acknowledged my contribution but ... no.

I feel like Richard at a music gig.

SWINES PORTENT*

Sorry - I was playing around with anagrams - I meant Winston Peters.

New Zealand First is likely to be back in Parliament after the election, and its leader, Winston Peters, will be in a position to decide who gets to form the next Government - almost certainly National.

So this long-past-the-use-by-date politician might be back in the trough playing his annoying stalling and disruption games. Oh joy!

That fool Luxon, although I'm sure he knows better, has said that he will ask Peters to help form a government if National needs it. This is definitely a portent for the future - an indication of what Luxon and his weak-willed cronies have in store for us should they - and it looks increasingly likely - be the next government.

I'm pleased that Hipkins said outright that Labour would not consider Peters as a coalition partner - not that Peters would support Labour anyway (although the guy is an ego-maniac and relishes his 'kingmaker status). That pleases me but it looks like it won't matter other than him being able to say "I told you so".

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMEDGEON

 

BUTLER'S REVENGE

I'M ON THE BUS

 "I'm on the bus"

That's probably the most used text message that millions - maybe hundreds of millions of brain-dead individuals send out daily to friends, family members and probably random strangers.

WHAT A WASTE OF A USEFUL RESOURCE.

In my time, a fixed line telephone was the communication tool through the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s and 1980s with brick-like mobile phones starting to be used in the 1990s. Guess what? These were  used for speaking on - like a telephone.

In the 1980s, apart from international telephone lines (fixed) a way to communicate was by telex until the new-fangled fax machine came in. E-mail began in the 1990s. Texting didn't become available to the average consumer until the late 1990s.

Video messaging began in the 2000s and use of it via Skype, blogging and FaceTime is really only a decade old - for the average Joe anyway.

Here's an average Joe: 

HI!

Fuck!

Decades of creativity, investment, trial, success, promotion and adoption has gone into creating a platform for the most inane messaging to be sent by 'wits'.

Well, I'm at my 'wit's' end. "Bring back Chloe" I say.

"Pronto"

In case you missed it first time around.

NEW POST - THE WINE GUY

 

GODFATHER

SPRING IS IN THE AIR

 We're experiencing lovely Spring weather here and trees are blossoming everywhere.

The neighbour's trees - I don't know what they are.

This relatively early burst of good weather - long may it last is likely an indication of the transition from La Niña to El Niño.

What are El Niño and La Niña?

Let's read what the experts say:

El Niño and La Niña are different phases of a climate pattern that repeatedly occurs in the tropical zone of the Pacific Ocean and is known as ENSO (El Niño-Southern Oscillation). El Niño is a warming phenomenon, while La Niña is a cooling phenomenon. The two factors follow one after the other, although there are often neutral conditions between them.

During El Niño events, the Pacific surface warms, surface winds weaken and rainfall increases in the southern and eastern part of the ocean. All this causes changes in air pressure at sea level, in temperature, in rainfall and in winds, not only in the tropics, but also in many other regions of the world.

La Niña events, however, have the effect of cooling the surface of the Pacific Ocean. The consequences, like those of El Niño, can be felt all over the planet. Since September 2020, the world has been under the effects of La Niña: it has been felt, for example, in the Horn of Africa and some regions of South America in the form of strong droughts, contrasting with heavy rainfall in Southeast Asia and Australasia.

After three consecutive years dominated by La Niña, the El Niño warming phenomenon could begin to gather momentum in the Pacific in the second half of 2023. According to the WMO, there is more than a 50% chance of this happening, although, as is often the case with meteorology, this is still fraught with uncertainty.

- BBVA

Got that?

For the less technically minded of readers here's another explanation:

I hope all readers are experiencing pleasant Spring weather and have the opportunity to get out and smell the roses.

NEW POST - THE MUSIC CURMUDGEON

 

ANGRY'

LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW

It's another cracker of a day up here like yesterday. Blue sky, sunshine, no wind or rain and it's much warmer than its been for a while.

Did I say no wind? Well, it's calm and there's no wind unlike Wellington which apparently is windy today.

Actually, Wellington is windy most days which is why they had a special sign made up.

Richard won't be going outside today because it's windy. He's afraid of wind.

He's also afraid of cows, heights, flying, cats, Confession, sensible shoes and banjos but those are all other stories on their own.

I must confess that I won't be going outside today either. Even though it's a lovely day, yesterday I mowed the lawn and weeded the front section for a while and managed to hurt my hip all over again. Here's something about tendinosis for you to read since you show no interest in half bottles of wine:

Tendinosis symptoms

Tendinosis refers to hardening, thickening, and scarring of the tendons. This causes pain and a loss of flexibility in the joint.

Common symptoms of tendinosis are:

• localized burning pain and swelling around the tendon
• pain that gets worse during and after activity
• stiffness in the joint
• restricted joint movement
• pain that persists for several months.

The Old Girl, when I showed this to her pointed out to the second symptom and said "I told you so". That's why I'm staying inside today.

Apparently this could last for 6 months but I have to take things easy. This is frustrating because I'd like to go walking, golfing and to play tennis but will have to miss these for a while.

The wrath of The Old Girl is worse though so I will take it easy.

NEW POST - THE WINE GUY

 

DOING THINGS BY HALVES

WILL WE BE BLESSED?

Kim Hill is retiring from Radio New Zealand meaning that it'll be safe to turn on the radio on Saturday mornings again.

Hill's been around (not yet over) for nearly 40 years.

I've had an on-air love hate relationship with her, at one time yelling at the radio and at others thinking that she was a good interviewer and then, again in recent times getting very frustrated with her.

When Hill was an interviewer for Checkpoint her rudeness and invasive questioning style used to make me furious. Mind you, so did that twonk Mike Hosking and the  acerbic Mary Wilson - although I had respect for Wilson.

Kim Hill's hosting of the Nine to Noon programme again annoyed me. Sometimes it was good and I listened to many a good interview with famous people but it was during this period that she developed the drawling, "yah yah" type speech patterns that I found infuriating. This got worse over time with her slowing down her speaking so much that I, and the interviewees thought that she'd gone to sleep or forgotten what she was going to say.

It's not just me who's been frustrated by Hill's style over the years, as friends and associates have said the same thing. 'Notables' (love them or hate them) like John Pilger, Jeffrey Archer and Tony Parsons had bad experiences with her, on both radio and TV ending their interviews acrimoniously.

.

When she got shunted off to the Saturday morning show I was pleased but that meant that Saturday morning radio was out for me. I hope that RNZ come up with a good replacement. I note that they've been wheeling out Jim Mora a lot more, recently so maybe it'll be him. I don't mind him although his overused "bless" comment is annoying.

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER

 

"Nothing really matters, anyone can see
Nothing really matters
Nothing really matters to me"

Well, a lot of things do matter to me but work and career isn't one of them.

While  hanging out the washing this morning I thought about my day today - what I was going to do that was important. Hanging out the washing while the sun is shining is one. Vacuuming the house and cleaning bathrooms and the kitchen is another as The Old Girl returns on Saturday after a fortnight away.

My mind drifted away to the days when I was working in employment that I liked and felt was important. On a Thursday morning I would likely have had meetings, projects to manage, brand strategies to devise, labels to create, domestic and international markets to connect with. You know - stuff. And, at the time, important stuff. Nowadays when I read about the wine market with export successes and failures; vintages that are great or disastrous; consumption figures that go up or down; wines that win awards in competitions; new labels and wine styles etc. I think - "who gives a stuff it doesn't really matter to me."

Richard is all but retired but when he doesn't have any relief classes and is hanging out the washing, does he miss past full-time teaching? Probably not as he probably thinks about his practice schedule:

Robert still works full time at age 68 and hasn't indicated any intention to retire. If he did though, and when hanging out the washing, will he miss cleaning buildings and other people's houses? Probably not while there are things to fix, scrape, paint, remodel and water-blast around his own house. And, someone has to eat all those Scotch eggs.

The Old Girl's still working and intends to do so for at least another year. I'm not sure what she'd be thinking while hanging out the washing but most likely will miss the high energy and important project work she does. I can't see her thinking "Nothing really matters". She'd also be thinking "I can hang out washing much better than The Curmudgeon." Her retirement actually will be bad news for me. Speaking of which, I'd better get that house tidied up before she calls, pronto.

*

NEW POST - THE RELIGIOUS CURMUDGEON

 

THE WISDOM OF ROBERT - PART ONE

"OTHERWISE FINE, OTHERWISE IT'S DANDY"

"And it'll be the outlook for Thursday

Your guess is good as mine."

We're getting a run of good weather here which is very welcome.

Yesterday morning I visited Ocean Beach before going to tennis.

It's beautiful there but the beauty disguises a 1941 tragedy:

Memorial at Ocean Beach

I played tennis gently for an hour and stopped before aggravating my hip injury. I'm a bit stiff today but, as it is another nice day, will 'gently' remove some weeds from the front garden.

Richard will be washing his house down with a cleaning mixture I told him about - warm water, detergent and white wine vinegar. I wash my hair in it and it hasn't done me any harm 👴.

THE RULES

I bitched about the excessive use of rules in rugby in an earlier post. It was pique yes but some of the penalty rules are silly and are slowing the game down. Soon we'll have four hour bore-fests like the Americans do with their ridiculous football game.

Ignoring too many rules, especially the important ones can lead to chaos though.

Yesterday's philosophy cartoon kind of sums it up:

 

 

PRESCIENCE

 

Richard wrote this in a comment on a recent post of mine:

Then I collected The Listener from the letterbox and saw this:

Did he jinx me?

OUTSTANDING IN MY FIELD

The 2023 Blogging Awards will be coming soon.

Well, they will be held shortly after Christmas but Christmas advertising will be starting up any day now.

There already is excitement up north with early indications that The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ will feature strongly across categories with The 2023 Blogging Awards 'Series' category looking to be in the bag.

 Robert the apathetic sanctimonious sinner, toilet cleaner, threatener of eternal damnation, music snob and sucker is currently frontrunner in the new 'Posting Pictures With No Narrative, Explanation or Context' category. "Well good luck with that" we say.

Apart from that category, which The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ will not contest, we will not contest the 'Readership Numbers' category as current figures are inconclusive and, we suspect, rigged.

Richard (of RBB) is fiercely contesting the 'Anonymous Commenter' category this year in the realisation that then readers and posters might take more notice of his contributions. "Well good luck with that" we also say.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Talking of rugby - well, to be fair, Robert wasn't since it brings up bad memories for him and explains his dislike of apples - not merely because they are the instruments of Satan ...

... Richard and I have mentioned it once or twice recently. I'm sort of enjoying the World Cup Rugby at the moment even though New Zealand lost to the pesky French and a couple of other teams I dislike have easily won their initial pool games.

What I don't like though is how the modern game is so dependent on penalties (England would have still beaten Argentina on penalty kicks alone even if they hadn't scored the phenomenal three drop goals) that it slows down and ruins the game. More than half of the penalties are given for transgressions that I don't understand. I can accept penalties for high tackles, deliberate disruption, off-side, tackling an opponent above the shoulders, tackling an opponent who is not in possession of the ball, tackling a player in midair, late hits, obstructing an opponent from tackling the ball-carrier, deliberately collapsing a scrum or illegally collapsing a maul etc but come on, there are transgressions that must have been dreamed up by those forward guys who are jealous of the backs getting all the limelight.

Who can understand penalties given for failing to release the ball after being tackled, the tackling player failing to release the tackled player, entering a ruck or a maul from the side, not binding properly on an opponent (for prop forwards) or a teammate (for other players), leaving the scrum before the ball has emerged from it, not pushing straight against the opposing pack, or, for Robert's god's sake - leaving one's feet in the ruck?

Maybe the namby-pambies and pedantic administrators (who are probably ex-schoolteachers) should drop all of these penalty rules except the ones for excessively violent or foul play, eye-gouging, and doing anything against the wingers and centres.

This could create a free-flowing and exciting game unencumbered by too many similar rules. I'm sure that it's been used in the past:

ONOMATOPOEIA

 

'Meow' is a good example of onomatopoeia mastered best so far by cats.

Poets and writers have used it to varying degrees of aptitude and comprehension:

“I WAS SITTING IN MCSORLEY’S” BY E. E. CUMMING

the Bar.tinking luscious jigs dint of ripe silver with warm-lyish wetflat splurging smells waltz the glush of squirting taps plus slush of foam knocked off and a faint piddle-of-drops she says I ploc spittle what the lands thaz me kid in no sir hopping sawdust you kiddo
he’s a palping wreaths of badly Yep cigars who jim him why gluey grins topple together eyes pout gestures stickily point made glints squinting who’s a wink bum-nothing and money fuzzily mouths take big wobbly foot
steps every goggle cent of it get out ears dribbles soft right old feller belch the chap hic summore eh chuckles skulch. . . .

Finnegan’s Wake BY JAMES JOYCE

The fall (bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonner-ronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur-nuk!) of a once wallstrait oldparr is retaled early in bed and later on life down through all christian minstrelsy.

“THE RAVEN” BY EDGAR ALLAN POE

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door—
“‘Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
Only this and nothing more.”

For Whom the Bell Tolls BY ERNEST HEMINGWAY

He saw nothing and heard nothing but he could feel his heart pounding and then he heard the clack on stone and the leaping, dropping clicks of a small rock falling.

I imagine that you can recall many words that are onomatopoeic like achoo, bam, bang, clackety-clack, hiccup, sizzle, clip-clop and ahem. You musicians will be empirically familiar with words like racket, clatter, drone, clang, squeak, screech and boing.

I was thinking of The Old Girl this morning when I got up early to watch the (disappointing) England vs Argentina World Cup Rugby game. I went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea and saw that I'd left the roasting pan in the sink unwashed. The Old Girl's in Auckland for a couple of weeks but I could 'hear' her in my head saying "Grrrrrr."

She's the only person I know who says "Grrrrr". It always makes me laugh which irritates her and makes her say more "grrrrrs"

A friend, now sadly departed used to sneeze with a clearly articulate "Ah-tish-oo".

She was the only person I ever heard sneezing like that.

Do you readers have any further examples?

SECTARE FIDEM - PART THREE

 This 'Sectare Fidem' book is good reading and is going to provide lots of material for future posts.

The best rugby team in the history of the school - **Warning** this is controversial.

I mentioned in the first post that early in the book - page seven in fact, the writer, Michael Fitzsimons deliberately presented misinformation - a lie in fact when he made a statement about the 1967 6A rugby team when he said:

If Mr Fitzsimons had done proper research he would have discovered (and I believe that he knew this as he was at the school at the time and would have a copy of the 1970 'Patrician' school magazine) that the 1970 2B rugby team was the only undefeated team in the school not only that year but for many years.

It could equally claim to be:

 "the finest rugby team to have ever taken the field in the blue and white."

Mention of the team having won all games was on page 47 with the rather minimalist comment "2B coached by Father P. Dooley, won all games."

The team photograph, poorly printed was buried in the second to last page before the school roll - page 93. Shame on you Michael Fitzsimons who I suspect of having been involved in the production of the 'Patrician' at the time and then also made attempts to bury the story which threatened  his own dodgy narrative of a vastly inferior, smaller and younger team coached by the crazy Father Unverricht.

I don't think that I've obsessed over this too much as it is a story that must be told.

Oh, in the interests of full disclosure I must mention that I was a member of the 2B rugby team in 1970, it being my first year of playing rugby after many years of soccer playing. I played as right wing or centre.

Being a magnanimous sort of person I'm prepared to share the 'finest team' accolade with Fitzsimons' team even though we would have kicked their arses if we'd had a chance to play against each other.

GLORY DAYS