WHAT WOULD THEY DO WITHOUT ME?

 

I know that it must be a worry to them - if The Curmudgeon's Inc.ⓒ wasn't here to offer pearls of wisdom and point them in the right direction.

What would a couple of old ex St Pat's schoolboys do other than reminisce over their heyday days in Mr Maloney's band or being librarians?

Here's a thought - maybe they could start up their own church. I mean, they have the right mix of qualifications: Robert's crazy religious ideas and belief in mythical beings, arcane practices and historical fabrications; and Richard's cynicism and disbelief of all that Robert believes. Without blatant opportunism and a willingness to exploit the duped masses religions would not survive. You can't leave the organisation up to starry-eyed ingenues.

How hard would it be?

The Church of the Blessed Curmudgeon was a start up religion sponsored by The Curmudgeon's Inc.ⓒ but didn't get much traction, mainly from disinterest from The Curmudgeon and besides, The Curmudgeon's Inc.ⓒ already has The Religious Curmudgeon in its lineup. Some creative ideas might be found from the blog though so here's a link for you: THE CHURCH OF THE BLESSED CURMUDGEON

If you still wish to proceed then John Oliver has some ideas for you:

With some duds from a costume supplier Richard and Robert can get moving pretty quickly.

How to set up a church:

• Gain experience as a preacher.
• Start a nonprofit and structure it accordingly. 
• Give your church a name, a mission statement, and bylaws.
• Hire a lawyer, a finance team, and form a board of directors. The Curmudgeon will volunteer to be treasurer.
• Build your congregation.
• Develop and implement a fundraising strategy.
• Write a 'catechism' - the sillier the better.
• Print up some old books for authenticity.
• Create some gold plates or tablets that have the 'rules' imprinted on them.
• 
  Appoint a music director - crazy is good.
• Appoint a priest, pastor or evangelist.
• Open a church bank account - essential.
• Write out weekly sermons - AI ChatGPT can help here.
• Acquire some statues, icons, holy pictures, reliquary and any other arcane stuff to confuse and enthral the punters.
• Ban all women from being officers of your church but encourage young and attractive ones to join. Note: any woman younger than 70 is 'young and attractive' to you.
• Offer private counselling to the 'young and attractive' women.
• Create a few miracles (drugging the congregation helps here).
• Invent saints, martyrs and prophets. Insane ones work best and stories of bilocation, stigmata, ascension, assumption, virgin birth etc. are popular.
• Come up with some trite blessings and sayings like "He is risen".
• Don't be embarrassed - the money will make it all worthwhile.

Good luck and may God give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.

Here's an idea for your church songs.