......"TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT"

 JESUS ON THE MAINLINE - RY COODER

****RING RING RING RING****

THE CURMUDGEON: Hello, Peter here.

JESUS: The Curmudgeon?

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, that's right. Who's calling?

JESUS: God.

THE CURMUDGEON: God? Jesus Christ!

JESUS: Yes, that's me. Dad asked me to call you.

THE CURMUDGEON: But you said God.

JESUS: Yeah, well, he's not around at the mo so I borrowed the title.

THE CURMUDGEON: So. What do you want Jesus?

JESUS: Look, I don't want to make a fuss about this but dad's a bit upset at some of the things that you and that other crazy old bastard ..

THE CURMUDGEON: Richard?

JESUS: Yes, Richard. Dad's a bit miffed at all the mocking that you guys have been doing and he's planning to take vengeance. I just thought that I'd better warn you.

THE CURMUDGEON: Ha ha. I've heard about all that smiting and stuff. He threatened John Lennon but then took 14 years to get around to it.

JESUS: You know that we've been busy for the last several millennia? That's why dad invented me and brought me on board to help with the workload.

THE CURMUDGEON: You mean that omnipotent God and that Holy Ghost thingy couldn't handle it?

JESUS: Yeah, well, let's not go there OK? Dad's a bit down about his creation of earth and mankind and stuff so he's gone off to some more of the galaxies he made to see if they're doing any better.

THE CURMUDGEON: What about your feathered friend though?

JESUS: Oh, him/she/it - every-time dad buggers of he/she/it goes AWOL. I don't know what's going on.

THE CURMUDGEON: But dad, I mean God asked you to warn me and Richard....?

JESUS: Yep, although that Richard joker's already done for. He's going to Hell you know.

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, yes ... Robert might have mentioned that a few hundred times. So what about me then?

JESUS: Dad said that if you don't stop that mocking then he'll smite you.

THE CURMUDGEON: Like he did to Lennon?

JESUS: Well, yes, but maybe it will only take about 12 years this time.

THE CURMUDGEON: Well, whoopdy-do. Thanks for the warning. You know that I'm to turn 70 next month don't you?

JESUS: Yeah, dad mentioned that and also that other decrepit old bastard Richard.

THE CURMUDGEON: Well Sparky - do your worst. I've only got those years to go anyway, with luck so I don't care.

JESUS: (Sigh) Yeah, I thought you'd say that but I had to get the message to you. Also, it gives me a chance to meet up with Mags.

THE CURMUDGEON: Mags?

JESUS: Yes Mags - you know, Mary Magdalene - the hot one. Dad wouldn't let me assume her into Heaven. The silly old fool's got some rather old fashioned ideas about that and mum doesn't approve either.

THE CURMUDGEON: So Mags - I mean Mary Magdalene is still around then?

JESUS: Yeah. I granted her perpetual life and have her stashed away in a villa in St Tropez on the off-chance that I could visit if ever dad was away. well, now's the time heh heh....

THE CURMUDGEON: You dirty little devil. Hey! Best take precautions though..

JESUS: Precautions?

THE CURMUDGEON: Yes, you know .... er .. a johnny.

JESUS: A johnny?

THE CURMUDGEON: You know. A condom.

JESUS: Ha ha, yeah. I've got it covered (which is a pun). Better that than the silly withdrawal method that dad got the Catholic Church to promote to the catholics. I think he just wanted to get the numbers up.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK buddy. We don't want any more immaculate conceptions do we. Have fun. 

JESUS: Thanks TC and keep up the good work - but don't tell dad that I said that.

THE CURMUDGEON: No worries mate. Me and your dad aren't on talking terms anyway.

JESUS: See you in about 12 years then.

THE CURMUDGEON: Yeah. Hopefully.