NOISES OFF

Explosion in Lower Hutt

BREAKING NEWS

A science and research facility in Lower Hutt today was obliterated by an explosion.

Police and fire services joint spokesman Captain Sam Moke said that early investigations indicated that the explosion originated in the men's toilets in the office area of the facility.

"Fortunately the event happened in the early hours so no staff were in occupancy. Oh, there was a commercial cleaner hanging about" he said and showed the press this security photograph:

"We're not sure what he was doing at the time but yesterday other cleaning staff reported strange noises coming from the ablutions area and of a pungent, irritating odour, like the smell of bleach along with a yellow-green gas seeping out from under the door.

"Robert was in there quite a long time " said ISS supervisor Brenda Ossy but as he doesn't have the best diet and had raced off to KFC for some takeaways earlier we thought that nature was just taking its course."

Meanwhile the cleaner is missing and his local priest Father Ambrosio del Rosario was seen 'blessing' the rear of what remains of the building.

"Oh dearie me" he said while buttoning up his cassock "I was, umm, just caught short there. Umm, yes, our faithful servant Robert, he of the rosary habit - a good habit though - could have taken the wings of an angel. We are going to have a prayer meeting and a mass and are hoping to hear from him from above. We are ...." 

"Hey. Father. Can you get me down?" A voice came from above. Father del Rosario was heard to say "Oh dearie me" as he fell away in a dead faint.

Captain Moke organised a ladder to retrieve Robert The Cleaner from the limbs of one of the large trees that overlooked the facility.

"As happens with cleaning companies they never ask if Ammonia Chloride and Hydrogen Peroxide should be combined. One touching the other can act as a catalyst. My cleaning company also provides Hydrogen Peroxide and Sodium Hyper Chloride. Mixing them results in pure oxygen and Chlorine gas. I  just wanted to show these idiots how easy it is for some inexperienced fool to mix these. With ease!  " said Robert before fainting on top of Father del Rosario