INTERVIEW # 8

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It's time to get back to the 'Interview' series. 

Remember that I said I thought that a series of interviews with interviewees who get bad press and who haven't had a chance to put their stories forward might be a good idea?
Well it was and we've had seven great interviews so far.
Today I thought that Judas Iscariot should get a chance to put his views forward as, for the last couple of millennia, he's been painted as the bad guy in the Christian story.

For those of you who've been living under a rock all of your life here's a snapshot of what is reported about Judas:

Simon and Cyborea Iscariot were very upset at the way that the Gospellers slated their son and, if suitable laws had been in place at the time would have sued them and their publisher - The Bible - for libel.

THE CURMUDGEON: Welcome Judas Isacariot to The Curmudgeon's Interview series.

JUDAS ISCARIOT: Thanks The Curmudgeon. You can just call me Judas if you like. There's no need for my surname since those bastards the Gospellers tarnished my name. Since then no-one ever in history has wanted to be named Judas so there's no danger of confusion.

THE CURMUDGEON: OK Judas. I'm sorry to hear that and, by the way, you can call me TC - it's also easier for me to type.

JUDAS: Thanks TC.

TC: Look Judas, I've .....

JUDAS: TC? 

TC: Yes Judas.

JUDAS: I'm not happy with that picture you've used of me. It doesn't show my good side and it looks like bloody Matthew or Luke or someone has scribbled some disparaging comments on it ....

TC: (sotto voce: For God's sake!) 

JUDAS: What's that?

TC: I said it's a mistake. I blame Robert.

JUDAS: Robert? Why blame him?

TC: He's responsible for all of the silly religious stuff that gets said around here. Look, moving on Judas, here's a chance for you to put forward your story about what those Christians said happened back when you were still alive.

JUDAS: Right, gotcha. Have you heard the story then TC?

TC: Well I am an atheist but I was indoctrinated by nuns, brothers and priests who force-fed me a lot of old cobblers via the Catechism and other Catholic 'teachings' and you were mentioned a few times.

JUDAS: In a good light?

TC: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ..... what do you think?

JUDAS: Bugger.

TC: Well, they never mentioned buggery but I guess that was a bit of a sensitive topic for the Catholic Church.

JUDAS: Ha ha - they would have stoned to death any LGBQT people back in my day. I remember Jesus saying "He that's not out but in among you, let him first cast the first stone."

TC: Mmmmm ..... you don't hold Jesus in high regard Judas. Why is that?

JUDAS: Jesus double crossed me.

TC: What! Robert's Jesus who loves everybody and ....

JUDAS: Look TC, you said you know the story that those bas .... Gospellers put out so I won't go over that again but I will let you know some things that .. well, that you don't know.

TC: OK. I like circular logic, let's go.

JUDAS: After that piss-up that Jesus organised - for whatever reason - as I was leaving, Jesus grabbed me and asked me to stay until after Bartholomew, James  (son of Alphaeus), Andrew, Peter, Mags, Thomas, James (the Greater), Philip

Matthew, Jude Thaddeus, and Simon the Zealot had left ...

TC: Mags?

JUDAS: Mary Magdalene - Jesus's mistress.

TC: Oh! But what about John?

JUDAS: Don't be naive TC. John couldn't make it to the party. In that painting 'John' was really Mags in disguise.

TC: Oh!

JUDAS: Yes, well after the other bozos had gone Jesus asked for a favour. He said it was a joke really - kind of a practical joke he was playing. He said that he had a plan cooked up by his dad and him to make fun of the Sanhedrin and the Romans and to cock a snoot at Herod. He said that in the morning a group of his friends would come along and pretend to arrest him. He asked that I would point him out to the 'posse' and that for my troubles he's see me allright.

TC: See you allright?

JUDAS: Yeah. He said that he'd see that his pals would give me 30 bits of silver for my trouble. It was quite generous really but Jesus was never short of the readies.

TC: OK, so, that kind of fits in with the stories I've heard except that you're saying that Jesus arranged it,

JUDAS: That's right. He said that after I pointed him out we'd all have a laugh and enjoy a few bevvies.

TC: Like the wine that Jesus made at that wedding?

JUDAS: Give us a break TC. That was all bullshit dreamed up by Jesus's PR team. He'd smuggled in a few cleanskin amphora and pretended that they were water jars,

TC: Oh!

JUDAS: Yeah so, when morning came and Jesus's 'friends' turned up I pointed out Jesus and he gave me a big kiss. Yuck! He had morning breath made worse by all the plonk he'd drunk. The 'friends' carted Jesus off leaving me behind. I called out to Jesus and reminded him of what he owed me. He went into a huddle with the 'friends' and one of them came back and tossed me a bag of coins. It was done a bit rudely I thought but I was tired so went off home to bed.

TC: Right. So Jesus went off with his pals and everyone was happy?

JUDAS: As far as I know they were. Jesus seemed OK with it as if it was all part of his plan. Later I heard that the Sanhedrin and the Romans had crucified him. "Bloody hell" I thought but then a couple of days later he'd disappeared, apparently taken away by his family and was then seen walking about. I thought "Well done Jesus mate, you really fooled everyone."

TC: Really?

JUDAS: Yes, really. He wasn't dead. He must have had some inside help.

TC: OK then, Why did you get such a bad rap?

JUDAS:  It was because Jesus disappeared and I was blamed for pointing him out to the posse.

TC: But you said that he turned up again and was seen walking about.

JUDAS: That's right but then he disappeared again. I found out later that he'd taken off to Gaul with Mags who was pregnant. They were running away from Mags's parents and brothers who would have, you know, stoned her to death. They established themselves there and it was only discovered much later when their descendants the Carolingians admitted it.

TC: Oh!

JUDAS: Right, But here's the problem. Jesus didn't tell anyone of the arrangement he had made with me so ...

TC: .... so everyone thought you had led him to his death?

JUDAS: Yes but with a lot of help from those damned Gospellers - Matthew, Mark and Luke who made up a hell of a story about Jesus rising from the dead and going up into heaven. Give me a break.

TC: What about John the Gospeller?

JUDAS: John was a druggie. No-one listened to him. Have you read some of that nonsense he wrote? It leaves Aldous Huxley, Hunter S. Thompson, Ken Kesey and William Burroughs for dead.

TC: Oh! So what happened to you?

JUDAS: You really want to know?

TC: Of Course. This is why we're doing this interview.

JUDAS: OK then, hang onto your hat.  Do you remember what happened to Jeffrey Epstein?

TC: That New York millionaire paedophile? No one misses him surely?

JUDAS: It's Judas, not Shirley but yes, Epstein. He was got to in prison. They hanged him.

TC:You mean .....

JUDAS: Yes, those bastards who were creating that fake narrative kidnapped me and hung me from a tree and made it look like suicide. They didn't even give the silver to mum and dad but scattered it around my body to make me look complicit.

TC: Oh!

JUDAS: Oh is right matey. And Jesus didn't bother to set anyone right on the matter - in fact, I think I was just a dupe to cover his tracks for running off with Mags.

TC: You know Judas, that makes more sense than the garbage in the Gospels and the Catechism, why hasn't this come to light before?

JUDAS: Really TC? I'm dead don't you know. What other fantasist publication would print such things?

TC: Anything by Aldous Huxley, Hunter S. Thompson, Ken Kesey and William Burroughs?

JUDAS: Ha ha - good point. Oh well I must be going .....

TC: Yeah, you don't want to be seen hanging around here.

JUDAS: Ha ha, cheers TC.