INTERVIEW #16

 It's been a while since  Interview #15 which we had to cut short because the ginger royal was such a tosser and we didn't want to inflict him on our readers.

✴✴ The Curmudgeons Inc.ⓒ takes the commitment to reader satisfaction seriously ✴✴

We promise to not bring you any more interviews with royals - although a Meghan Markle one would be fun as she's not really a royal. 

We are spoilt for choice at present with there being so many idiots out there in politics, communication, media, entertainment, religion, sports and lots of other people who are shooting themselves in their feet and generally making asses of themselves - I mean ... have you seen what that old geriatric President Biden's been doing in Ireland, or the orange idiot Trump in New York, or the Auckland council, or the Dali Llama (suck my tongue indeed!)? Sheesh! Anyway I thought we'd go strait to the top ... of the world geographically speaking and see what Vlad The Impaler  ... sorry, Vladimir Putin's been doing.

THE CURMUDGEON: Welcome President ... um Prime Minister  ... um Premier er Vlad ...

VLADIMIR PUTIN: ...  Let me put you in your place ... em ... I mean correct you there Mister The Curmudgeon. I have been serving continuously as president or Prime Minister since 1999: as Prime Minister from 1999 to 2000 and from 2008 to 2012, and as President from 2000 to 2008 and since 2012.

THE CURMUDGEON: "And since 2012" What? Dictator?.

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Em, I'm thinking Mister The Curmudgeon that you are taking liberties which, let me advise you, you should not do.

THE CURMUDGEON: Oh, OK, sorry Prez .... look, can we drop these titles and you can call me T.C. and I could call you Vlad. OK?

VLADIMIR PUTIN: Em ... if you wish to take that risk yes. As the degenerate Americans and Australians say ...em ..."fill your booties".

T.C.: OK 'Vlad' let's  ha ha, fill our booties. Look, as you know I live in New Zealand which is a country that's probably (and hopefully) off your radar screen and one that you haven't thought about invading sine about 1870.

VLAD: Em, yes our are correct there. In the 1870s your little country was definitely on our radar screens ...

T.C.: ... but RADAR hadn't been invented then, surely.

VLAD: No, no T.C. my name is not Shirley, it is Vladimir. We Russians of course had invented RADAR then and you were 'on our screens'  xa xa xa.  We 'put the shits up yours' most satisfactorily back then creating the famous  "Russian-scare" forts of 1885. In the 1870s your New Zealand was a young self-governing colony of Britain. It had developed no coastal defences of any consequence and was becoming increasingly sensitive to how vulnerable its harbours were to attack by a hostile power or opportunistic raider. Xa xa xa. We took advantage of that and forced your government into building forts and shooting at seagulls. This was taking the eye off exporting warm woollen clothing and meat, cheese and milk to Great Britain who had the audacity to challenge us in the Crimea ...

T.C.: .... They still do.

VLAD: Em, yes the silly Britishers think that they have sovereignty over our Motherland's oil and gas reserves in the Black Sea and they ...

T.C.: ... your oil and gas reserves in the Black Sea? Surely they belong to Ukraine ...

VLAD: ... I am telling you Mister T.C. - my name is Vladimir not this Shirley who you seem to be having a fixation on. Anyway, our women are named Svetlana, Mina, Anya, Olga and ....

T.C.: ... Yes, yes, I know - I get requests of marriage from 'your Russian women' weekly on the internet.

VLAD: Em, they are nice no?

T.C.: They are nice yes but The Old Girl say's that I'm not allowed to play with them.

VLAD: This, em, Old Girl - she is KGB no?

T.C.: No, not KGB or anything like that but, believe me Vlad, she's much scarier. Can you put a word in to those Internet scammers that you state sanction to remove me from their target list?

VLAD: Of course T.C. I deny that the Russian state has any involvement in this but I will do as you ask. I cannot guarantee that you will not be receiving marriage requests from Ukrainian women though. Em, we are not controlling that situation. Yet.

T.C.: OK ... let's move on ... this is a type of 'HARD TALK' interview Vlad - I want to put you on the spot. I've got lots of questions about The Crimea, oligarchs, journalists's deaths, disappearances, corruption,  your alleged illegal wealth, Trump, Biden, The Ukraine and ... um ... er, those Russian women are nice no?

VLAD: Our Russian women are nice yes. Let me show you some pictures ... 

Putin shows The Curmudgeon a portfolio of scantily clad, long-legged, blond and brunette Russian women.

T.C.: Christ Almighty!

VLAD: Em, yes, we can be doing some of these Russian women dressed as Jesus - or nuns - whatever is your preference.

T.C.: Jesus!

VLAD: Em, T.C. ... you were wanting to ask questions of me about the Russian state and about ...

T.C.: ... yes, yes, yes .... look Vlad ... um, The Old Girl is off to Christchurch for 3 months and ...

VLAD: .... you are wondering if I can be making introductions for you with these very wholesome and very religious Russian women no?

T.C.: No ... I mean yes ,.. umm , er, Vlad. look . sorry about this but we need to cut this interview short. You understand?

VLAD: I am understanding very well T.C. You and me can have an arrangement no? I have these with only very important people. I have one with President ... em ... temporarily non- president Trump no?

T.C.: Yes, yes, I see but I don't need those golden showers OK?

VLAD: Xa xa xa - okeydokeydokey T.C. At your age you can probably pee on your own sheets huh?

T.C.: Ha , ha, ha ... hey!